twelve: this could get messy, but you don't seem to mind

Song: Hands Clean, Alanis Morrissette

A couple months had flown by and everything was going a bit smoother. Anna had calmed down and was acting at least civilized. She was drinking a bit though, which wasn’t a good sign.

Carey was leaving for a road trip in the morning. Anna was out, it was late and we were just laying in bed. I had my head on his chest and just listened to his heartbeat. It was like music to my ears.

“Have you thought about names yet?” I asked looking up at him.

He pursed his lips and just looked down at me, “not really”

“Neither have I” I sighed.

“Are you hoping for a boy?” I smirked.

“What father doesn’t want a little boy” he replied.

I just laughed, “well personally, I would love a boy too”

“Really?” he asked.

“Give me a name” I said.

“For a boy?”

I just nodded.

He thought back for a minute then spoke“Ethan”

“Oh, I like that” I smiled.

“What about a girl?” he asked, “you pick one”

I thought for a minute, “Ava Lynn”

“That’s a pretty name” he replied.

“Thanks”

“You’re really excited about this aren’t you?” he asked.

“I am” I nodded, “I’m having a baby, and most of all I’m going to have a family with you”

He just squeezed me tighter and I heard his heart start beating faster. I didn’t say a word, I knew this was nerve wracking for him, it was nerve wracking for me too. But I have him with me, so I know that everything is going to be fine.

--

I said goodbye to Carey that morning and turned to see Anna passed out on the couch. Her drinking was really starting to take a toll, not only on her but even us. I decided to clean up the kitchen a bit when I heard a groan from Anna. I grabbed a glass of water and some aspirin and immediately took it into the living room.

“Thanks” was all she said as she took it from my hands and threw it in her mouth.

“You know, you really need to stop this” I sighed standing up from the couch.

“You’re not my mother”

“We’ve been over this” I replied.

“I can drink if I want to”

“You’re hurting yourself!” I snapped, “and you’re hurting us”

“How?”

“When you come home like that every night, it hurts, listening to you stumble in, you waking up with a hangover, me being the “mother”” I used my finger quotes, “and giving you water and aspirin the moment your feet hit the floor.

She didn’t respond and laid her head back down on the pillow and faced the wall. I just sighed and continued my work in the kitchen. I had had enough, she was on her own with this.

--

A few days flew by and Carey was coming home in the morning. Did I ever need him here, and I’m sure he needed me, let’s just say the road trip wasn’t their best of the season. They lost all three games, 2 of them in OT. I haven’t talked to him much after the last loss, I figured if he wanted to talk, he would call, so I didn’t bother.

Anna hadn’t listened to a word I said, it was getting frustrating, I wasn’t getting sleep at night, which can’t be good for the baby. I need sleep, I can’t lose this baby. I did my morning routine, grabbed a shower just before Anna woke up. It’s sad how this was becoming a routine. I grabbed a glass of water and some aspirin and was by her side as she drank it back.

“You just don’t listen” I mumbled.

“You need to shut up”

“You need to stop drinking before you fucking kill yourself” I snapped.

She was silent.

“Do you know what this could do to you Anna? Do you even understand how much this could hurt you?” I sighed, “I can’t lose you because of something this stupid”

“You won’t lose me”

“You’re a freaking alcoholic, you’re killing yourself with the more drinks you have”

“Can you just let me live my life how I want to?” she replied standing up, “It’s really not that bad, I promise”

“Not how I see it” I snapped.

“You’re so judgemental” she huffed.

“Don’t use that on me” I said pointing a finger at her, “I’m trying to look out for you, since you can’t seem to do it yourself!”

“I can look out for myself”

“Even Ryan would agree that you can’t right now”

“Don’t bring that ass back into this”

“You love him, you know it and I know it, and he fucking knows it because he loves you too whether you want to believe it or not. He kept you sane, he looked out for you constantly, he wanted a family with you, how can you just fall out of love that easily?”

“He doesn’t love me anymore” she said tears brimming in her eyes, “there was someone else there”

“Who wasn’t his girlfriend” I sighed, “Carey talked to him and talked to her, he won’t even look at her like he looks at you, he doesn’t like her in that way at all”

“Are you sure?”

“Carey wouldn’t lie to me”

“What if he was?”

“Don’t even go there Anna, you know as well as I do he’s the most honest person out there, and you know that he wants what’s best for you”

“He wants me out of here” she mumbled.

“You know what!” I exclaimed, “I’m done, you won’t listen to me--I’m done--trying” I clenched my stomach as I felt a sharp pain in my side.

“Julie?”

I couldn’t respond and everything went black.

--

I woke up in an unfamiliar room with someone clenching my hand for dear life. My eyes fluttered open and I saw Price looking down, he was really worried. What did I do?

“Hi” I groaned sitting up in my bed.

“Jules” he said jumping up and wrapping his arms around me.

“What happened?”

“You don’t remember anything?”

“I remember yelling at Anna…”

“You passed out” he said voice breaking, “the baby’s gone”

I put my hand on my stomach and my eyes started to flood with tears. This did not just happen. I didn’t just lose my baby, I couldn’t have, I can’t even carry a baby for two months. This is a punch to the stomach.

“No…”

“I’m sorry sweetie”

“It’s not your fault, do you think I can have some time alone…please?”

“Sure thing” he said standing up and kissing my forehead, “I love you”

“I love you too”

He left the room and I sat there as the thoughts swam through my head. My heart was shattering right now, I still can’t believe this is happening. Stress, no sleep…I knew this couldn’t be good for this baby.

After everything that Price and I talked about, names, that evening, the least stressful evening of my life. We had names. My eyes were starting to well up with tears, and I cried, I cried hard.

I heard a noise outside, some loud voices after about an hour of thinking and getting my head on straight, and finally wiping my eyes. I saw Anna peek her head inside and then she was yanked away.

“Anna!” I yelled. The noise subsided and she peeked her head inside again.

“Hi…”

“Come in” I said quietly.

“Carey doesn’t want me too”

“I said it’s fine, just shut the door”

She shut the door behind her and didn’t move far from it. Her hair was pulled back with and elastic and plenty of bobby pins, the rainbow really stood out. She wasn’t wearing makeup and she was in an old t-shirt and jeans. That was the Anna I knew.

I patted the bed beside me and she walked over and sat on the edge. I just looked up at her and she immediately started bawling. I sat up a bit farther, ignoring the pain in my side and wrapped my arms around her.

“I’m so sorry” she bawled, “I didn’t mean to”

“Sweetie, it happens, it’s not your fault”

“I’m the one who caused you stress, and gave you sleepless nights, it is my fault”

“It wasn’t meant to be Annie ok”

“I know how you feel right now, and you’re being way too nice to me”

“I will choose how nice to be, and I know you know how it feels, but don’t sympathize with me, please, because obviously I wasn’t meant to have a child right now”

“I’m sorry”

“Stop Annie, stop apologizing”

“No, I really am. I’m done going out, and I won’t drink so much and come home hammered every night, I’ll even dye my hair back”

I just laughed, “if you want to. I just want the old Annie back”

“She’s back” she smiled.

“Good, that’s all I want”