seven: it's another side of me.

song: acting out by ashley tisdale

Julie was totally pregnant and I knew it before she came out of the bathroom to hug me and cry. I tried my best to comfort her, but in a way, it kind of felt unfair to me. I was the one who wanted to have a baby, to start a family, and here she was with Carey, both of them not wanting any such thing. It could ruin them.

Then again, not conceiving ruined Ryan and me.

I loved him. Of course I couldn’t stop. He could make me leave and even make me cry, but I still loved him. When I love, I love hard- I don’t give up easy. Even if I want to.

I spoke with Jules for awhile, and she decided to wait to tell Carey until they were alone. I somehow felt she meant until I was gone, but I didn’t say anything. My future was so uncertain. Then again, I sort of hoped they’d keep me- I could be a nanny to the kid. It would give me something to do.

Then maybe in some alternate universe I could learn how to get and stay pregnant and Ryan would love me again.

Thank god the record changed.

Dr. Phil always inspires me, and I am not ashamed to say that. It was the incredible Mr. McGraw himself, that day, that brought me to the conclusion I so desperately needed to hear. I was sitting on the floor with a bowl of ramen when he started yelling at the fat trailer park people who were arguing about who would earn custody of their cat or whatever.

“You can’t just let someone else control your life! What are you thinking? You have to take control of a situation and make it yours.”

Then, it hit me.

I was letting Ryan control my life. I didn’t need him. In fact, I was much better off. Putting down my bowl of cheap noodles, I stood in front of the mirror that Julie had so oddly hung on the wall for decoration.

The hair had to change. Ryan loved my long, messy brown locks. Which meant I had to cut and dye it. That was the first step. I had to become everything Ryan wouldn’t want me to be. I had to change.

Grabbing my purse and pulling on my worn pair of Chucks, I headed out the door.

-

I left the hair salon and felt like a brand-new person, putting on my neon-pink sunglasses and walking outside. My phone vibrated angrily. I saw that I had six or seven missed calls. I answered a very angry Julie.

“WHERE ARE YOU?” she screamed, “Carey and I are worried!”

I shrugged, “I went out for a haircut. So what?”

“You left without a word!”

“Sorry, MOM,” I said, rolling my eyes, “Next time I’ll ask permission.”

Julie sighed, “I’m just happy to know you’re ok. Are you on your way back? I was thinking we could go to the game tonight, you know, see Carey start.”

I was about to reply when I passed a tattoo and piercing shop, “Um, sure. Be home in an hour.” I grinned. I always wanted snakebites, but Ryan said they were tacky.

Newsflash, Ryan: you don’t own me anymore.

Two hours later, with my lower lip aching and my head a little bit dippy, I walked into the Bell Centre, showed my pass and headed to the locker room. I saw Julia talking to Carey, who was on the ice in full gear, and I jumped out to grab her.

“BOO!”

She let out a satisfying scream and I laughed. Both of them looked at me like I was a crazy person. I then remembered my new look was one they hadn’t seen yet.

Carey blinked at me, “Anna...?”

I grinned, “What do you guys think?!”

Julie was speechless. Carey shrugged, “You look like Rainbow Brite if she got into a fight with a lawnmower.”

My hair was completely chopped off in short, razored layers, and each layer was a different colour. I had both sides of my lower lip pierced and they were still a bit swollen. I had to admit, I looked completely different. And I felt really giddy about it.

“Carey,” I slurred, “You have a nice caboose.”

“Oh kay, Annie, let’s go for a walk,” Julie gave Carey a quick kiss, “Come on...”

The Bell Centre looked warped. I shouldn’t have smoked up before coming in. Then again, the game would probably be a lot more fun...especially since we had close seats to the ice.

Have you ever had the urge to sing? I did as soon as the national anthem started playing. Only, it was a different song in my soul.

“I’m a little teapot, short and stout! Here is my handle, here is my spout!”

Jules looked at me, horrified, “Anna!”

I spotted Scott Gomez standing on the ice, “Scott Gomez...YOU SON OF A BITCH. I HATE YOU! DON’T MAKE ME COME DOWN THERE!”

Julie hit me, “Anna, shut up.”

I turned to her, “Do you wanna dance with me?”

“Anna, it’s the national anthem. No, I don’t want to dance with you.”

“Oh, well fine then. I’ll dance with myself. IMA DANCING WITH MYSELF, IMA DANCING WITH MYSELF- hey, there’s gum under my seat...”

“Can you not be quiet for the national anthem?”

I stuck the foreign gum in my mouth, “No, your mom is.”

“What the hell is wrong with you?” Julia hissed.

“Nothings is wrong. Can I have some money to go buy onion rings?”

She sighed, “Fine. But you have to eat them.”

“Wait! I can’t! I’m a vegetarian!”

Julia rolled her eyes and looked forward. I shoved her.

“Hey, hey Julie. Hey.”

“Hi...”

“Maxi’s over there,” I grinned, “I’m gonna flash him. Hey Max!” I lifted my shirt, showing my pink bra to the entire arena. Jules pulled my shirt down, grabbed my arm and pulled me out of the stands and into the hallway.

“You’ve embarrassed me enough,” Julia said quietly, “What is wrong with you?”
I smiled, “Did you watch American Idol last night? You’re my best friend. Can I have onion rings?”

Jules leaned forward and sniffed my jacket. I slapped her like a fly, “Don’t sniff me!”

Julia grabbed my face and turned my head from side to side. She grabbed my hand (hard, might I add) and pulled me outside. I looked around at the crazy-coloured sky. Everything is weird when you’re on pot. Especially if it’s your first time on it.

“Where did you get it?” she demanded.

“Huh?”

“Where did you get the drugs?”

I scoffed, “This...place. That van. The green one with the Jamaica flag. The guys in it were nice.”

“The one outside of the apartment?” Julia’s eyes grew wide, “Oh, my god...” She pulled out her phone, “I’m taking you home to sober up. You’re so lucky you didn’t get us arrested in there. It is a good thing the security guards know me.” She closed her cell. “There. Now Carey will know we’ve left.”

I reached into my pocket, “I’m going to have to get some more...”

Jules slapped me across the face, “No. I can deal with you dying your hair, but I cannot handle you having a drug addiction. I don’t even want to know what else you’re on.”

The party was most certainly over.