fifteen: sometimes, it's hard to believe you remember me

song: high by james blunt

Anna’s POV

I was so happy to be going home from the hospital, and even happier to be going with Ryan. Well, we were just going to the hotel, but don’t rain on my parade, here.

His words played over and over in my head. Most people don’t know this, but I knew that he had visited me over and over. I could hear him, I just couldn’t respond. Being in a coma is by far the weirdest feeling ever. But now, after hearing the letter he wrote, things felt- different. Uncertain, but in a good way.

Ryan came to pick me up just before the sun went down. Sitting next to him in the car, things felt strange. I knew he hadn’t made the playoffs, and I wanted so badly to say something, but I didn’t know what. Instead I just stared at him.

“This is so weird, isn’t it?”

I blinked, “Huh?”

“Being here with you, after so long,” Ryan said as we turned a corner, “I missed you.”

I wanted to avoid this conversation, so the second I found an excuse, I used it, “Hey, can we stop? I wanna get some hair dye.”

Ryan frowned as he pulled into the parking lot, “You want to dye it again?”

I glanced at him, “I want to dye it back to the original colour. Oh, by the way-” I rolled down the window, took out my lip rings and threw them out, “-I’m over these.”

He laughed a bit, “Atta girl.”

“I’ll be right back.”

Being in the drugstore gave me time to think. Ryan seemed like he was back to normal, but how was I supposed to know it wasn’t a complete cover-up? That maybe, if I went back to Buffalo with him, he’d change back into the person he was before. I didn’t know what to think.

We drove back to the hotel in silence. I clutched my drugstore bag tightly, not able to stand the strange atmosphere. But what else did I expect?

Once in the hotel room, I headed to the bathroom, ignoring the fact that Ryan was in a suite. Almost as though he thought this was some kind of special celebration. The hell was thinking?

I opened the box and read the directions, proceeding to take one of the complimentary bathrobes, deciding to take off my clothing because I would probably have to shower afterwards. Like I was going to ruin my clothes fixing my hair. Halfway through, I realized I needed help with it.

“Ryan?”

He was sitting on the bed, almost as though he was waiting for me to call him.

“You need help?”

“Yeah, if you don’t mind?”

“No problem.”

I shivered at his touch as he began to help spread the colour into my hair. Feeling him touch me again was strange, but good. Bittersweet, I guess you could say.

After I waited the right amount of time, I stepped into the shower and washed my hair, using the shampoos the hotel offered. Ryan waited politely in the other room. I stood in the shower for a good ten minutes, letting the cool water run on my face.

I pulled on the complimentary hotel robe again and got ready to sift through my duffel bag for some clothes when Ryan met me at the door.

“Anna...I have to ask you something.”

“Um, ok.”

His eyes had a sort of fear in them, and his mouth quivered. I could see he was nervous. What kind of question was he about to ask me?

I watched as he fumbled in his sweater pocket, taking out a small box. He slowly knelt to one knee and looked up at me, “Anneliese Marie Evans, will you marry me?”

My mouth dropped open and I stared at the ring in his hands as he opened the box. It was the most beautiful ring I had ever seen. Years ago, I would’ve ecstatically said yes and threw my arms around him. Things were different now.

“Ryan....I....”

His brown eyes were killing me. I reached out and touched his face; his eyes closing at the caress. I missed touching him. I missed being with him. Gently, I closed the ring box, pulling him to stand and whispered in his ear, “I will say yes, if you do one thing for me...”

There was only one way to see if this was for real or not.

I slowly undid my robe and let it fall to the floor, standing naked in front of Ryan. He stared at me, almost hungrily. Nonchalantly, he put the ring box on the sink.

Walking until I stood eye to eye from him, I looked at him, “This is me, Ryan. This is all of me. No weird colours, no bad substances...just, me.” I pointed to my arm. “The scars from before we met are here.” I touched my stomach. “The place they took the alcohol from...and saved me...” I pushed back my hair. “If you can take me, with all my imperfections...then I will know that what you are asking me, is true. I love you, Ryan, and I want you to show me that you love me too.”

No sooner had I finished that Ryan was pressing his lips to mine softly, engulfing me into a deep kiss. Being careful not to break it, he took me in his arms and carried me to the bed. Treating me like a china doll, he laid me down on the bed.

“Ryan, my hair’s all wet.”

“Do you think I care?”

I pulled him down to kiss me again. I hadn’t been kissed like this in forever, not by him. Ryan moaned into my mouth as I reached below his belt. Breaking the kiss, I unzipped his sweater and threw it on the floor.

What happened then and there was something I never expected in a million years.

Ryan turned out the light and took things slowly. He made every inch of my body quiver. I took off his shirt and let him kiss me as his hands wandered, teasing me. I arched my back and moaned. Ryan liked that. I loved when he kept doing it.

Moments later he was down to one article of clothing, but he wasn’t going to get to business just yet. No, as far as he was concerned, I was the one who would get all the pleasing tonight- something I hadn’t experienced in forever. He kissed me all over and I felt shivers run through my body.

Ryan started nibbling on my neck and I groaned, “Ryan....If you give me a hickey, I’ll kill you...”

He grinned at me mischievously, “Guess I’ll have to do it somewhere else...where only we can see it...”

Before I could argue, Ryan moved down to my chest and started suckling. I was ready to scream, grasping the back of his head, running my hands through his dark hair. This was almost too much to take. He stopped and hovered above me, licking his lips, knowing I had enjoyed every minute.

I tugged at his boxers yearningly. He let me take them off him and I stared at his erect length. I hadn’t seen Ryan this turned on in ages. Shedding him of those, I let him climb on top of me.

We watched each other as he slipped inside. Gently, he moved himself in and out, making sure he wasn’t hurting me. I gripped the sides of the bed, the sheets in bunches in my clenched fists. No, he most definitely was not hurting me.

Flipping us over, I moved back and forth, letting Ryan enjoy himself beneath me. I could see he desperately wanted to climax, but was waiting for me. I had been afraid to ask him to move faster, because in the times before it had just been painful. Now I knew that I didn’t have to worry about pain.

I started to move a little quicker, the pressure surprising us both. But it wasn’t a bad feeling, it actually started to make things feel better. He followed my lead, and before long, things started to feel even more amazing. For the first time in the years we had tried to have a baby, I could feel pleasure building up.

When we finally reached the peak, I dug my nails into his shoulders, screaming his name. Ryan bit my shoulder, gently of course, but by the noises he was making I could tell he wanted to practically gnaw on me. We relished in the moment, keeping it going for as long as we could.

Lying next to him, both of us completely naked, I waited for our heartbeats to go back to normal before I whispered, “Yes, Ryan, I will marry you.”

He turned his head, “Really?”

“Yes, really,” I replied, kissing him hard, “Let’s do it again.”

Ryan smiled as I rolled on top of him, “You know, we’ll be exhausted by morning.”

“I don’t care,” I replied, moving down to his hips, “Now it’s my turn to please you.”

Perhaps we made love until the wee hours of the morning, to be honest I wasn’t really sure. All I knew was that the time I spent with him that night told me what I needed to know: the Ryan I had fallen in love with was back, and I was ready to become his wife.

I was going to marry Ryan Miller.