fourteen: you make it hard to smile because you make it hard to breathe

Song: Why, Secondhand Serenade

*Carey's POV*

Things have been pretty crazy. Julie has been up and down with the baby, than with Anna, it devastated me. I also knew that she was strong and she would make it through, and I was going to be there to help her along the way.

I was meeting Ryan for coffee, he had called last night, but I was half asleep when he called so we decided to meet this morning after practice.

“Hey, thanks for meeting me. Sorry if I freaked you out, I know I called really late last night” Ryan said as I stood up to greet him.

“Not a problem, what's up?” I replied.

“I, um....I think I'm ready”

“You might have to be a bit more specific bud, ready for what?” I asked raising an eyebrow.

“I think I want to marry Anna”

I was in shock for a moment as I let the words sink in. I opened my mouth, but I hesitated before saying all I could say, “oh....wow”

“It came to me last night”

“You've barely been back together that long, are you sure?”

“I have made too many mistakes in the past few years”

“Well, I’m not one to judge…”
“I ruined everything when I said I wanted a baby, and Anna didn't want kids.
But she wanted to try because she knew it would make me happy. I was stupid and cared about myself. I didn't care that Anna wasn't enjoying every moment, and I knew I hurt her both physically and mentally…”

I couldn’t respond. I have never seen Ryan this honest before. It was new for me. I think I waited to long to let it sink in.

“Carey, please say something. You're looking at me like I'm crazy”

“I personally don't know what went on between you and Anna, and honestly it's really not my business, but right now you seem really sincere and I can see you do love her, if it's what you want to do, than do it, nobody's stopping you”

“You know we didn’t make the playoffs this year right?”

I just nodded.

“It was my fault”

“How so?”

“The trips back and forth from Buffalo to Montreal took a real toll on me. I couldn't concentrate, knowing she was there and I couldn't see her. Knowing that if something happened, I couldn't be there in a split second”

“It’s the job Ryan, she knew that when she fell in love with you, Julie knew that, it’s life”

“I just can’t help but feel I could have done more…” he just put his head in his hands and sighed.

“Ryan, shit happens, you have to roll with it. You know if anything were to happen Julie and I are here, and you get here when you get here, she would understand. She loves you, I can see it everyday, and I see the same thing in you, I see it in Julie, and I wonder every single day how she could ever love me, and I feel like the most honoured guy in the world to even look at her the way I do every day, to think about her the way I do every day, and miss her the way I do when I’m gone. Anna respects you, she sees your future together, she cares enough about you to yell at you, disagree with you, tell you when you’re flat out wrong, even when you know it but won’t admit it. She’s the love of your life, she is the one you should be with right now, not me”

He just smiled stood up proudly, “I’m going to do it. I love her, why shouldn’t I marry her?”

“Go get her”

He left the café and I sat there with my thoughts. Thoughts running through my head about Julie. Why am I not married to her yet? Why have I never even considered it?

She keeps me stabilized. She loves me like nobody else can, she looks at me like there is no one else alive. I love how she says my name. I love the sound of her laugh, and the glow when she smiles. And her eyes, she has the most beautiful eyes that you could get lost in.

I love how one of her cheesy jokes could cheer me up in a second, even when I’m having the worst day of my life. I can tell her anything and she listens, she understands me. She respects me and she trusts me, and it still baffles me, after everything that I have done not to deserve her, she still loves me.

I made a beeline for the door. Right now, I just wanted to see her, I had to see her.

I opened the door and stood there for a minute. She was in a pair of old sweats and a hoodie, her hair pulled up into a ponytail and her ipod stuck in her ears. All I could do was smile. She finally realized I was there and pulled on earphone out.

“Hey baby” she smiled.

All I could do was shake my head and wonder why the hell she was standing in front of me. When she could have absolutely anybody in the world.

“What?” she said.

“Nothing” I said walking towards her and wrapping my arms around her waist, “I just love you, that’s all”