thirteen: how stupid could I be?

song: stupid by sarah mclachlan

Anna's POV

Hugging Julie, I will admit a felt a bit better about what had happened.

Of course, all good things come to an end. This time, I owed it all to Carey Price. I knew he cared about Jules, but what came next I wasn’t expecting.

“ANNA.”

I heard my name as I walked down the hall from her room. I turned around to see Carey standing there, arms crossed. And he was angry.

“Look, I know you’re our friend and all, but I think this incident has proven to be the last,” he said quickly, “I don’t want to say too much about it, but I think it’s time you found a place of your own.”

I frowned, “Carey, you kicking me out?”

“Basically, yeah. You’re a hazard to Julie, to me, and to yourself. I’ve tried to reconcile you and Ryan, and no avail. Take your troubles elsewhere.”

I shook my head, “You’ve got to be kidding me.”

“I’m not kidding. The lease is up.”

I sighed, “Carey, I don’t have anywhere else to go.”

“That’s not my problem anymore.”

“You know,” I said angrily, “It’s not all my fault she miscarried. You weren’t around that much.”

I saw his eyes flare, “I was away for my JOB, Anna. Not that you would know what that is.”

“What’s that supposed to mean, Price?”

“You know what it means. You let Ryan break your heart and you won’t admit you still love him, so you bring all your problems and heap them on us! You could be elsewhere, with a steady career, perhaps with someone new. But no. You had to become a raging alcoholic, and poor Julie, who has to take care of you-”

“No one has to take care of me, I-”

“Oh, just give it up already!” Carey threw his arms in the air, “You came at the worst possible time! I could still be a father right now if you hadn’t showed up with your baggage, causing all the damage you have! I am sick of helping clean up your mess and trying to fix you! If you’re not gone by the time I take Julie home tonight, I swear, I’ll call the fucking police and have you arrested. At least then you’ll have a place to stay.”

I swallowed, “If that’s what you want...so be it, then.”

Tears were flowing down my cheeks as I turned my back on him, walking down the hallway. I officially would be homeless, I thought miserably. I had fucked everything up.

Montreal was the loneliest city in the world. I missed Buffalo like a bad addiction. I wanted Ryan so badly I was willing to do anything to get him back. But I knew long ago that it was over, that he didn’t love me, and that he never would love me again. Especially now, with me being a baby killer and all.

It would be an hour before the bars would open, and I had some cash, so I decided to buy from the green van again. Not that Carey Price gave a damn if I got high. As long as I was away from him and Julia, he was happy as clam. So, with my drugs in hand, I went to a restaurant, smoked up in the bathroom and stumbled out, high as a kite.

Everything was a blur. Vodka, wine, rum, beer, scotch, you name it. I tried and downed everything. I partied with Habs fans, got drunk with some lost Toronto people, even made out with a few foreigners. I could feel myself spinning out of control as the night went on.

My phone rang a few times, and I chucked it into the toilet in the ladies’ room. All I wanted was to save the moment, down everything I could, chug it all down. Make all my problems disappear. The more I drank, the more it left me- Carey and Julie’s baby, Ryan, my love for Ryan, the shame I felt, everything. I watched my phone vibrate and bubble as I took more and more drugs, getting the best high of my life. The world was mine.

I think I was in the middle of doing upside-down tequila shots when I started throwing up.

From there, I don’t remember a thing.

-

Ryan’s POV

I had gotten over playing the Montreal Canadians. I had to convince myself that it was all ancient history, that I had to move on for the sake of my team and career. That night, playing at the Bell Centre, nothing fazed me. It went to a shootout and I saved every shot. We won.

Exiting after Derek Roy, one of the team medics came running over to me, holding out what appeared to be my cell phone, “Ryan, it’s for you. It’s urgent.”

Taking off my mask, I answered, “Hello?”

I heard Julie on the other end, sobbing uncontrollably, “R-Ryan!”

Seeing the press with their cameras, I rushed to the dressing room, “What’s wrong?”

“It’s Anna,” Julie pressed, “She’s...I don’t know...I’m at the hospital on 8th.”

“What? Why?”

“It’s bad, Ryan,” Jules continued, her voice shaky, “Anna has alcohol poisoning, and there’s these....substances, in her bloodstream. They don’t know if she’ll make it....Please, we need you.”

“I’ll be there.” I clicked the my cell phone shut, took the fastest shower of my life, changed and send Lindy a text:

Emergency. Be back at the hotel later.

I could’ve ran all the way to the hospital with the amount of adrenaline in my blood, but the taxi knew the directions better than I did. I practically bounded to the emergency room where I saw Carey and Julia. Carey was sitting, but Julie was pacing. She embraced me, “Oh thank God...thank God...”

“What’s going on? Where’s Anna?” I asked urgently.

Carey stood up, “They’re still pumping her stomach. Hopefully, she’ll regain consciousness soon.”

“I was in there with her, but they made me leave,” Julie sobbed. I kept an arm around her as she kept hugging me.

Carey nodded, “All we can do is wait.”

I sighed, “How in the world did this happen?”

Carey gave me a glare, which I expected, “She’s in love with you, and she just got out of control without you.” I opened my mouth to speak, but he raised his hand. “Don’t argue with me on that one. You kept her sane. Literally.”

Julie continued to cry, and I passed her to Carey, who held her. I hated seeing Julie cry.

“This is such a mess...” I said slowly, “I should’ve listened to you months ago, Price.”

“No shit,” Carey said, “It is kind of my fault, too...I yelled at her before she left the hospital this afternoon...”

“Wait, hospital?” I frowned.

Julie nodded, “I collapsed at home. The doctor says it was stress-related. Carey and I were going to have a baby, but...I miscarried.”

My blood ran cold. I couldn’t imagine how they were feeling, what with losing a child in addition to having to deal with Anna. I felt stupider than ever for not listening to Carey before.

We sat in the waiting room for literally hours. Julie eventually fell asleep on Carey, who refused to let her go. I read every magazine at least three times. Finally, a doctor showed up.

“Miss McNeil,” he began, “Your friend is recovering.”

Julia sighed, “Oh my gosh....thank you.”

She glanced at me before he got the chance to continue, “This is her boyfriend, Ryan. Is there any chance we could go see her?”

The doctor wet his lips, “What I was about to say, was that Miss Evans was put in a coma. It was the only way we could allow her to heal from her internal injuries.”

I felt sick. Julie’s eyes began to water. Only Carey could speak.

“How...how long will she be...you know...”

“Probably a few months, a year at the most,” the doctor explained, “She will be here, of course, continuously receiving treatment.”

The doctor proceeded to tell us all we needed to know to set up a room for Anna. It was out of the question to transfer her to Buffalo, across the border, and we agreed it was best for her to stay at the hospital. It was around 2 am by the time we left.

“Ryan,” Julie said as she hugged me goodbye, “Thanks for coming.”

“I had to,” I told her simply.

For the first time in a long time, she smiled at me.

-

The slowest months of my life went by. We didn’t make the playoffs because I became so distracted. I went to Montreal every chance I got and visited Anna. I brought her cards and flowers. Sometimes I even talked to her, not knowing whether or not she could hear me.

Carey gave me all of Anna’s things, which I took back to Buffalo with me. Things were uncertain. When she woke up (I was positive on that), I didn’t know where things would go with us. I decided to wait on that.

It was the middle of June when I walked into her room with my apology.

The room was filled with fresh flowers that I had delivered each week. The window was wide open, making Anna’s rainbow hair shine. I would not admit that I didn’t like it, but it WAS Anna, so I really had no choice on the matter. Sitting next to her bed, my usual spot, I unfolded the piece of paper I had stuffed in my back pocket.

“Annie,” I said quietly, “I, um, wrote you a letter. I have some things I want to say, and I don’t know if you can hear me, or if you even care, but I’m going to read it to you.”

I took a deep breath.

“Dear Anna, I miss you. I miss you a lot. I know you think I don’t care about you, and the last time we spoke was like a battle. But I care more than you know, and I’m sorry.”

I paused.

“I’m sorry that I couldn’t be there for you all those nights you were afraid. I’m sorry that I couldn’t father a child that would live until birth. I’m sorry for all the things I could have been for you, and I wish I could change for you.”

The smell of the lilies was lingering in the air.

“You were my first real fan and my cheerleader. I took you home to meet my parents and they loved you. Drew already treats you like a sister. Things could not be more perfect in that way.”

I sighed.

“I am still in love with you, Anna Evans. I want to marry you, have babies with you, and win the Stanley Cup so I can lift it above our heads for the whole world to see. I don’t know why it took me so long to say it, and I’m sorry. I love you, Anna. Always have, always will.”

I folded the piece of paper and put it on the table by her bed, closing my eyes.


“You...suck.”

I jumped back to see Anna’s eyes were open, and she was looking at me.

“Took you long enough,” she said, that trademark smirk of hers back in action.

And I had to admit, that it took everything in my power not to kiss her then and there.