Anna’s POV
song: brake by melissa mclelland
Isn’t it funny how life just seems to fall into place at exactly the right time? After all we’ve been through, the four of us, we’re finally back to where we belong. The pieces of the puzzle are right where they need to be.
Guess I should catch up. Shortly after the awards show, Ryan and I eloped- yes, for real- to Las Vegas and got married. Carey and Jules were pretty pissed that they didn’t get to go with us, but it was one of those things that we just had to do alone. It was totally worth it, too.
Naturally, things worked out for them too. Carey proposed to Jules on her birthday, and everything was great between them. Unlike us, they planned a beautiful backyard wedding. He wrote out his own vows and made everyone cry- Ryan included. Of course, he won’t ever admit to that. My only complaint is that it was too bad my bridesmaid’s dress was from a maternity store.
Speaking of that, I am proud to say Ryan was with me every step of the way through the pregnancy, and one day in the middle of December, I gave birth to the twins- a girl and a boy. The 36 hours of labour paid off, as both twins came out perfectly healthy. We named them Hanna Elise Miller and Jack Isaac Miller. Both looked exactly like Ryan. Go figure.
Julie is pregnant now, too. Carey’s heading into his first playoff run, and we’re stoked for him. So far we’ve been to every game, granted that we can tow the kids with us. We almost always make it to the Jumbotron. I’ve been helping Jules with the baby’s nursery. It’s going to be a little girl, called Ava Lynn. I’m excited for them.
As I lie here thinking, I listen to the soft breathing of Ryan next to me. In an hour, Jack will wake up and cry, followed by Hanna. In unison, we’ll get up and take to them, feeding and loving them. Our children. Our lives.
Tomorrow is Julie’s baby shower. We’re having it at our house in Buffalo. She doesn’t know that we got Ava a Buffalo Sabres jersey with the name PRICE on it. Eventually we’ll put the number of her due date on it. Carey is going to kill us.
I chuckled. Gotta love it.
Ryan reaches out and touched my arm. I turn over and look at him. He leans in, kissing me softly and whispering, “Someday, I’ll put our kids in the Cup.”
I laugh, “I’d love to see that.”
He gently kisses my belly, “All three of them.”
the end.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
sixteen: you keep on bringing out the best in me
Song: When You Got a Good Thing, Lady Antebellum
*Julie’s POV*
So it was the end of the season and it was the NHL awards. To be honest, the ceremony was boring, especially since Carey didn’t win anything, but I’m not worried, he will get his time.
The after party was what I was waiting for. I needed a drink. I was happy, no doubt, but I still wasn’t completely over losing the baby, I know there wasn’t much I could do, but it still got to me. Price nudged me from my thoughts as the ceremony finally finished.
“You ok?”
“I’m fine” I gently smiled.
He led me to the after party where I was immediately at the bar with a drink. I needed this desperately. Carey was chatting with a few of his fellow players when I saw Ryan and Anna emerge from the crowd.
“Anna!” I said excitedly setting my drink down to wrap my arms around her.
“Hey!” she replied pulling back, “we haven’t seen you guys in forever!”
Carey joined in and gave Anna a quick hug and nodded in Ryan’s direction.
“Well…” she wouldn’t finish her sentence. She looked over to Ryan with a huge smile on her face.
“We’re engaged” Ryan replied, with an even bigger smile.
I just squealed and gave Anna and Ryan both a hug, “That’s amazing!”
“You think so?” she laughed, “Ryan proposed the day after I got out of the hospital, I just had to say yes”
“Congrats” Carey directed towards both of them.
“Thanks man, I’m really happy” Ryan replied, not able to wipe the smile off of his face.
“Some champagne? To celebrate?” I asked.
“Oh, for sure” Ryan replied as Julie turned towards the bar.
“I’m not drinking tonight” Anna replied. Both Carey and I looked at her, and then at each other.
“Since when?” Carey asked in an almost mysterious tone.
“Well…I have been sober for a bit now…so…yah…” she seemed like she was hiding something.
“Are you hiding something Anna?” I asked raising an eyebrow curiously.
“What?” she replied nervously.
“I know you Anna…you’re hiding something”
She just sighed, “Ok, I was going to wait until after to tell you but--”
“No way, are you…?” Ryan interrupted.
She just smiled, “Yes, I’m pregnant, with twins”
“Anna, that’s amazing!” he replied spinning her in a hug.
“Anna, I’m so happy for you” I replied, giving her a hug. Even though my heart was breaking. I was supposed to have a baby, I know Anna has been wanting this, but I did too when the whole miscarriage happened.
Anna and Ryan were chatting excitedly as I stared in front of me, letting the thoughts run through my head. I finally felt a warm hand on my arm that snapped me back to reality, Carey.
“Hi” I smiled.
“You sure you’re ok?” he asked.
“This whole pregnancy thing just got to me a little”
He set his drink down and immediately wrapped me in a hug, “This will happen for us soon, I promise, ok?” he pulled back and looked down at me, “what happened was unfortunate, but were not done” he smirked.
I just smiled sheepishly and wrapped my arms around his waist. It didn’t take much to make me feel better when it came to him. He always knew what to say.
I loved him with my whole heart. Every part of him. There were days he drove me crazy, he had flaws like any human being. But it’s his smile, his eyes, the way he looks at me when I enter a room, even if I’m a total and complete mess, either physically or emotionally. He’s my shoulder, and even when he’s gone, I can feel him with me, and hearing his voice makes it even more real. I know I will marry this man someday. When that day will be is a mystery to me.
*Julie’s POV*
So it was the end of the season and it was the NHL awards. To be honest, the ceremony was boring, especially since Carey didn’t win anything, but I’m not worried, he will get his time.
The after party was what I was waiting for. I needed a drink. I was happy, no doubt, but I still wasn’t completely over losing the baby, I know there wasn’t much I could do, but it still got to me. Price nudged me from my thoughts as the ceremony finally finished.
“You ok?”
“I’m fine” I gently smiled.
He led me to the after party where I was immediately at the bar with a drink. I needed this desperately. Carey was chatting with a few of his fellow players when I saw Ryan and Anna emerge from the crowd.
“Anna!” I said excitedly setting my drink down to wrap my arms around her.
“Hey!” she replied pulling back, “we haven’t seen you guys in forever!”
Carey joined in and gave Anna a quick hug and nodded in Ryan’s direction.
“Well…” she wouldn’t finish her sentence. She looked over to Ryan with a huge smile on her face.
“We’re engaged” Ryan replied, with an even bigger smile.
I just squealed and gave Anna and Ryan both a hug, “That’s amazing!”
“You think so?” she laughed, “Ryan proposed the day after I got out of the hospital, I just had to say yes”
“Congrats” Carey directed towards both of them.
“Thanks man, I’m really happy” Ryan replied, not able to wipe the smile off of his face.
“Some champagne? To celebrate?” I asked.
“Oh, for sure” Ryan replied as Julie turned towards the bar.
“I’m not drinking tonight” Anna replied. Both Carey and I looked at her, and then at each other.
“Since when?” Carey asked in an almost mysterious tone.
“Well…I have been sober for a bit now…so…yah…” she seemed like she was hiding something.
“Are you hiding something Anna?” I asked raising an eyebrow curiously.
“What?” she replied nervously.
“I know you Anna…you’re hiding something”
She just sighed, “Ok, I was going to wait until after to tell you but--”
“No way, are you…?” Ryan interrupted.
She just smiled, “Yes, I’m pregnant, with twins”
“Anna, that’s amazing!” he replied spinning her in a hug.
“Anna, I’m so happy for you” I replied, giving her a hug. Even though my heart was breaking. I was supposed to have a baby, I know Anna has been wanting this, but I did too when the whole miscarriage happened.
Anna and Ryan were chatting excitedly as I stared in front of me, letting the thoughts run through my head. I finally felt a warm hand on my arm that snapped me back to reality, Carey.
“Hi” I smiled.
“You sure you’re ok?” he asked.
“This whole pregnancy thing just got to me a little”
He set his drink down and immediately wrapped me in a hug, “This will happen for us soon, I promise, ok?” he pulled back and looked down at me, “what happened was unfortunate, but were not done” he smirked.
I just smiled sheepishly and wrapped my arms around his waist. It didn’t take much to make me feel better when it came to him. He always knew what to say.
I loved him with my whole heart. Every part of him. There were days he drove me crazy, he had flaws like any human being. But it’s his smile, his eyes, the way he looks at me when I enter a room, even if I’m a total and complete mess, either physically or emotionally. He’s my shoulder, and even when he’s gone, I can feel him with me, and hearing his voice makes it even more real. I know I will marry this man someday. When that day will be is a mystery to me.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
fifteen: sometimes, it's hard to believe you remember me
song: high by james blunt
Anna’s POV
I was so happy to be going home from the hospital, and even happier to be going with Ryan. Well, we were just going to the hotel, but don’t rain on my parade, here.
His words played over and over in my head. Most people don’t know this, but I knew that he had visited me over and over. I could hear him, I just couldn’t respond. Being in a coma is by far the weirdest feeling ever. But now, after hearing the letter he wrote, things felt- different. Uncertain, but in a good way.
Ryan came to pick me up just before the sun went down. Sitting next to him in the car, things felt strange. I knew he hadn’t made the playoffs, and I wanted so badly to say something, but I didn’t know what. Instead I just stared at him.
“This is so weird, isn’t it?”
I blinked, “Huh?”
“Being here with you, after so long,” Ryan said as we turned a corner, “I missed you.”
I wanted to avoid this conversation, so the second I found an excuse, I used it, “Hey, can we stop? I wanna get some hair dye.”
Ryan frowned as he pulled into the parking lot, “You want to dye it again?”
I glanced at him, “I want to dye it back to the original colour. Oh, by the way-” I rolled down the window, took out my lip rings and threw them out, “-I’m over these.”
He laughed a bit, “Atta girl.”
“I’ll be right back.”
Being in the drugstore gave me time to think. Ryan seemed like he was back to normal, but how was I supposed to know it wasn’t a complete cover-up? That maybe, if I went back to Buffalo with him, he’d change back into the person he was before. I didn’t know what to think.
We drove back to the hotel in silence. I clutched my drugstore bag tightly, not able to stand the strange atmosphere. But what else did I expect?
Once in the hotel room, I headed to the bathroom, ignoring the fact that Ryan was in a suite. Almost as though he thought this was some kind of special celebration. The hell was thinking?
I opened the box and read the directions, proceeding to take one of the complimentary bathrobes, deciding to take off my clothing because I would probably have to shower afterwards. Like I was going to ruin my clothes fixing my hair. Halfway through, I realized I needed help with it.
“Ryan?”
He was sitting on the bed, almost as though he was waiting for me to call him.
“You need help?”
“Yeah, if you don’t mind?”
“No problem.”
I shivered at his touch as he began to help spread the colour into my hair. Feeling him touch me again was strange, but good. Bittersweet, I guess you could say.
After I waited the right amount of time, I stepped into the shower and washed my hair, using the shampoos the hotel offered. Ryan waited politely in the other room. I stood in the shower for a good ten minutes, letting the cool water run on my face.
I pulled on the complimentary hotel robe again and got ready to sift through my duffel bag for some clothes when Ryan met me at the door.
“Anna...I have to ask you something.”
“Um, ok.”
His eyes had a sort of fear in them, and his mouth quivered. I could see he was nervous. What kind of question was he about to ask me?
I watched as he fumbled in his sweater pocket, taking out a small box. He slowly knelt to one knee and looked up at me, “Anneliese Marie Evans, will you marry me?”
My mouth dropped open and I stared at the ring in his hands as he opened the box. It was the most beautiful ring I had ever seen. Years ago, I would’ve ecstatically said yes and threw my arms around him. Things were different now.
“Ryan....I....”
His brown eyes were killing me. I reached out and touched his face; his eyes closing at the caress. I missed touching him. I missed being with him. Gently, I closed the ring box, pulling him to stand and whispered in his ear, “I will say yes, if you do one thing for me...”
There was only one way to see if this was for real or not.
I slowly undid my robe and let it fall to the floor, standing naked in front of Ryan. He stared at me, almost hungrily. Nonchalantly, he put the ring box on the sink.
Walking until I stood eye to eye from him, I looked at him, “This is me, Ryan. This is all of me. No weird colours, no bad substances...just, me.” I pointed to my arm. “The scars from before we met are here.” I touched my stomach. “The place they took the alcohol from...and saved me...” I pushed back my hair. “If you can take me, with all my imperfections...then I will know that what you are asking me, is true. I love you, Ryan, and I want you to show me that you love me too.”
No sooner had I finished that Ryan was pressing his lips to mine softly, engulfing me into a deep kiss. Being careful not to break it, he took me in his arms and carried me to the bed. Treating me like a china doll, he laid me down on the bed.
“Ryan, my hair’s all wet.”
“Do you think I care?”
I pulled him down to kiss me again. I hadn’t been kissed like this in forever, not by him. Ryan moaned into my mouth as I reached below his belt. Breaking the kiss, I unzipped his sweater and threw it on the floor.
What happened then and there was something I never expected in a million years.
Ryan turned out the light and took things slowly. He made every inch of my body quiver. I took off his shirt and let him kiss me as his hands wandered, teasing me. I arched my back and moaned. Ryan liked that. I loved when he kept doing it.
Moments later he was down to one article of clothing, but he wasn’t going to get to business just yet. No, as far as he was concerned, I was the one who would get all the pleasing tonight- something I hadn’t experienced in forever. He kissed me all over and I felt shivers run through my body.
Ryan started nibbling on my neck and I groaned, “Ryan....If you give me a hickey, I’ll kill you...”
He grinned at me mischievously, “Guess I’ll have to do it somewhere else...where only we can see it...”
Before I could argue, Ryan moved down to my chest and started suckling. I was ready to scream, grasping the back of his head, running my hands through his dark hair. This was almost too much to take. He stopped and hovered above me, licking his lips, knowing I had enjoyed every minute.
I tugged at his boxers yearningly. He let me take them off him and I stared at his erect length. I hadn’t seen Ryan this turned on in ages. Shedding him of those, I let him climb on top of me.
We watched each other as he slipped inside. Gently, he moved himself in and out, making sure he wasn’t hurting me. I gripped the sides of the bed, the sheets in bunches in my clenched fists. No, he most definitely was not hurting me.
Flipping us over, I moved back and forth, letting Ryan enjoy himself beneath me. I could see he desperately wanted to climax, but was waiting for me. I had been afraid to ask him to move faster, because in the times before it had just been painful. Now I knew that I didn’t have to worry about pain.
I started to move a little quicker, the pressure surprising us both. But it wasn’t a bad feeling, it actually started to make things feel better. He followed my lead, and before long, things started to feel even more amazing. For the first time in the years we had tried to have a baby, I could feel pleasure building up.
When we finally reached the peak, I dug my nails into his shoulders, screaming his name. Ryan bit my shoulder, gently of course, but by the noises he was making I could tell he wanted to practically gnaw on me. We relished in the moment, keeping it going for as long as we could.
Lying next to him, both of us completely naked, I waited for our heartbeats to go back to normal before I whispered, “Yes, Ryan, I will marry you.”
He turned his head, “Really?”
“Yes, really,” I replied, kissing him hard, “Let’s do it again.”
Ryan smiled as I rolled on top of him, “You know, we’ll be exhausted by morning.”
“I don’t care,” I replied, moving down to his hips, “Now it’s my turn to please you.”
Perhaps we made love until the wee hours of the morning, to be honest I wasn’t really sure. All I knew was that the time I spent with him that night told me what I needed to know: the Ryan I had fallen in love with was back, and I was ready to become his wife.
I was going to marry Ryan Miller.
Anna’s POV
I was so happy to be going home from the hospital, and even happier to be going with Ryan. Well, we were just going to the hotel, but don’t rain on my parade, here.
His words played over and over in my head. Most people don’t know this, but I knew that he had visited me over and over. I could hear him, I just couldn’t respond. Being in a coma is by far the weirdest feeling ever. But now, after hearing the letter he wrote, things felt- different. Uncertain, but in a good way.
Ryan came to pick me up just before the sun went down. Sitting next to him in the car, things felt strange. I knew he hadn’t made the playoffs, and I wanted so badly to say something, but I didn’t know what. Instead I just stared at him.
“This is so weird, isn’t it?”
I blinked, “Huh?”
“Being here with you, after so long,” Ryan said as we turned a corner, “I missed you.”
I wanted to avoid this conversation, so the second I found an excuse, I used it, “Hey, can we stop? I wanna get some hair dye.”
Ryan frowned as he pulled into the parking lot, “You want to dye it again?”
I glanced at him, “I want to dye it back to the original colour. Oh, by the way-” I rolled down the window, took out my lip rings and threw them out, “-I’m over these.”
He laughed a bit, “Atta girl.”
“I’ll be right back.”
Being in the drugstore gave me time to think. Ryan seemed like he was back to normal, but how was I supposed to know it wasn’t a complete cover-up? That maybe, if I went back to Buffalo with him, he’d change back into the person he was before. I didn’t know what to think.
We drove back to the hotel in silence. I clutched my drugstore bag tightly, not able to stand the strange atmosphere. But what else did I expect?
Once in the hotel room, I headed to the bathroom, ignoring the fact that Ryan was in a suite. Almost as though he thought this was some kind of special celebration. The hell was thinking?
I opened the box and read the directions, proceeding to take one of the complimentary bathrobes, deciding to take off my clothing because I would probably have to shower afterwards. Like I was going to ruin my clothes fixing my hair. Halfway through, I realized I needed help with it.
“Ryan?”
He was sitting on the bed, almost as though he was waiting for me to call him.
“You need help?”
“Yeah, if you don’t mind?”
“No problem.”
I shivered at his touch as he began to help spread the colour into my hair. Feeling him touch me again was strange, but good. Bittersweet, I guess you could say.
After I waited the right amount of time, I stepped into the shower and washed my hair, using the shampoos the hotel offered. Ryan waited politely in the other room. I stood in the shower for a good ten minutes, letting the cool water run on my face.
I pulled on the complimentary hotel robe again and got ready to sift through my duffel bag for some clothes when Ryan met me at the door.
“Anna...I have to ask you something.”
“Um, ok.”
His eyes had a sort of fear in them, and his mouth quivered. I could see he was nervous. What kind of question was he about to ask me?
I watched as he fumbled in his sweater pocket, taking out a small box. He slowly knelt to one knee and looked up at me, “Anneliese Marie Evans, will you marry me?”
My mouth dropped open and I stared at the ring in his hands as he opened the box. It was the most beautiful ring I had ever seen. Years ago, I would’ve ecstatically said yes and threw my arms around him. Things were different now.
“Ryan....I....”
His brown eyes were killing me. I reached out and touched his face; his eyes closing at the caress. I missed touching him. I missed being with him. Gently, I closed the ring box, pulling him to stand and whispered in his ear, “I will say yes, if you do one thing for me...”
There was only one way to see if this was for real or not.
I slowly undid my robe and let it fall to the floor, standing naked in front of Ryan. He stared at me, almost hungrily. Nonchalantly, he put the ring box on the sink.
Walking until I stood eye to eye from him, I looked at him, “This is me, Ryan. This is all of me. No weird colours, no bad substances...just, me.” I pointed to my arm. “The scars from before we met are here.” I touched my stomach. “The place they took the alcohol from...and saved me...” I pushed back my hair. “If you can take me, with all my imperfections...then I will know that what you are asking me, is true. I love you, Ryan, and I want you to show me that you love me too.”
No sooner had I finished that Ryan was pressing his lips to mine softly, engulfing me into a deep kiss. Being careful not to break it, he took me in his arms and carried me to the bed. Treating me like a china doll, he laid me down on the bed.
“Ryan, my hair’s all wet.”
“Do you think I care?”
I pulled him down to kiss me again. I hadn’t been kissed like this in forever, not by him. Ryan moaned into my mouth as I reached below his belt. Breaking the kiss, I unzipped his sweater and threw it on the floor.
What happened then and there was something I never expected in a million years.
Ryan turned out the light and took things slowly. He made every inch of my body quiver. I took off his shirt and let him kiss me as his hands wandered, teasing me. I arched my back and moaned. Ryan liked that. I loved when he kept doing it.
Moments later he was down to one article of clothing, but he wasn’t going to get to business just yet. No, as far as he was concerned, I was the one who would get all the pleasing tonight- something I hadn’t experienced in forever. He kissed me all over and I felt shivers run through my body.
Ryan started nibbling on my neck and I groaned, “Ryan....If you give me a hickey, I’ll kill you...”
He grinned at me mischievously, “Guess I’ll have to do it somewhere else...where only we can see it...”
Before I could argue, Ryan moved down to my chest and started suckling. I was ready to scream, grasping the back of his head, running my hands through his dark hair. This was almost too much to take. He stopped and hovered above me, licking his lips, knowing I had enjoyed every minute.
I tugged at his boxers yearningly. He let me take them off him and I stared at his erect length. I hadn’t seen Ryan this turned on in ages. Shedding him of those, I let him climb on top of me.
We watched each other as he slipped inside. Gently, he moved himself in and out, making sure he wasn’t hurting me. I gripped the sides of the bed, the sheets in bunches in my clenched fists. No, he most definitely was not hurting me.
Flipping us over, I moved back and forth, letting Ryan enjoy himself beneath me. I could see he desperately wanted to climax, but was waiting for me. I had been afraid to ask him to move faster, because in the times before it had just been painful. Now I knew that I didn’t have to worry about pain.
I started to move a little quicker, the pressure surprising us both. But it wasn’t a bad feeling, it actually started to make things feel better. He followed my lead, and before long, things started to feel even more amazing. For the first time in the years we had tried to have a baby, I could feel pleasure building up.
When we finally reached the peak, I dug my nails into his shoulders, screaming his name. Ryan bit my shoulder, gently of course, but by the noises he was making I could tell he wanted to practically gnaw on me. We relished in the moment, keeping it going for as long as we could.
Lying next to him, both of us completely naked, I waited for our heartbeats to go back to normal before I whispered, “Yes, Ryan, I will marry you.”
He turned his head, “Really?”
“Yes, really,” I replied, kissing him hard, “Let’s do it again.”
Ryan smiled as I rolled on top of him, “You know, we’ll be exhausted by morning.”
“I don’t care,” I replied, moving down to his hips, “Now it’s my turn to please you.”
Perhaps we made love until the wee hours of the morning, to be honest I wasn’t really sure. All I knew was that the time I spent with him that night told me what I needed to know: the Ryan I had fallen in love with was back, and I was ready to become his wife.
I was going to marry Ryan Miller.
Saturday, February 27, 2010
fourteen: you make it hard to smile because you make it hard to breathe
Song: Why, Secondhand Serenade
*Carey's POV*
Things have been pretty crazy. Julie has been up and down with the baby, than with Anna, it devastated me. I also knew that she was strong and she would make it through, and I was going to be there to help her along the way.
I was meeting Ryan for coffee, he had called last night, but I was half asleep when he called so we decided to meet this morning after practice.
“Hey, thanks for meeting me. Sorry if I freaked you out, I know I called really late last night” Ryan said as I stood up to greet him.
“Not a problem, what's up?” I replied.
“I, um....I think I'm ready”
“You might have to be a bit more specific bud, ready for what?” I asked raising an eyebrow.
“I think I want to marry Anna”
I was in shock for a moment as I let the words sink in. I opened my mouth, but I hesitated before saying all I could say, “oh....wow”
“It came to me last night”
“You've barely been back together that long, are you sure?”
“I have made too many mistakes in the past few years”
“Well, I’m not one to judge…”
“I ruined everything when I said I wanted a baby, and Anna didn't want kids.
But she wanted to try because she knew it would make me happy. I was stupid and cared about myself. I didn't care that Anna wasn't enjoying every moment, and I knew I hurt her both physically and mentally…”
I couldn’t respond. I have never seen Ryan this honest before. It was new for me. I think I waited to long to let it sink in.
“Carey, please say something. You're looking at me like I'm crazy”
“I personally don't know what went on between you and Anna, and honestly it's really not my business, but right now you seem really sincere and I can see you do love her, if it's what you want to do, than do it, nobody's stopping you”
“You know we didn’t make the playoffs this year right?”
I just nodded.
“It was my fault”
“How so?”
“The trips back and forth from Buffalo to Montreal took a real toll on me. I couldn't concentrate, knowing she was there and I couldn't see her. Knowing that if something happened, I couldn't be there in a split second”
“It’s the job Ryan, she knew that when she fell in love with you, Julie knew that, it’s life”
“I just can’t help but feel I could have done more…” he just put his head in his hands and sighed.
“Ryan, shit happens, you have to roll with it. You know if anything were to happen Julie and I are here, and you get here when you get here, she would understand. She loves you, I can see it everyday, and I see the same thing in you, I see it in Julie, and I wonder every single day how she could ever love me, and I feel like the most honoured guy in the world to even look at her the way I do every day, to think about her the way I do every day, and miss her the way I do when I’m gone. Anna respects you, she sees your future together, she cares enough about you to yell at you, disagree with you, tell you when you’re flat out wrong, even when you know it but won’t admit it. She’s the love of your life, she is the one you should be with right now, not me”
He just smiled stood up proudly, “I’m going to do it. I love her, why shouldn’t I marry her?”
“Go get her”
He left the café and I sat there with my thoughts. Thoughts running through my head about Julie. Why am I not married to her yet? Why have I never even considered it?
She keeps me stabilized. She loves me like nobody else can, she looks at me like there is no one else alive. I love how she says my name. I love the sound of her laugh, and the glow when she smiles. And her eyes, she has the most beautiful eyes that you could get lost in.
I love how one of her cheesy jokes could cheer me up in a second, even when I’m having the worst day of my life. I can tell her anything and she listens, she understands me. She respects me and she trusts me, and it still baffles me, after everything that I have done not to deserve her, she still loves me.
I made a beeline for the door. Right now, I just wanted to see her, I had to see her.
I opened the door and stood there for a minute. She was in a pair of old sweats and a hoodie, her hair pulled up into a ponytail and her ipod stuck in her ears. All I could do was smile. She finally realized I was there and pulled on earphone out.
“Hey baby” she smiled.
All I could do was shake my head and wonder why the hell she was standing in front of me. When she could have absolutely anybody in the world.
“What?” she said.
“Nothing” I said walking towards her and wrapping my arms around her waist, “I just love you, that’s all”
*Carey's POV*
Things have been pretty crazy. Julie has been up and down with the baby, than with Anna, it devastated me. I also knew that she was strong and she would make it through, and I was going to be there to help her along the way.
I was meeting Ryan for coffee, he had called last night, but I was half asleep when he called so we decided to meet this morning after practice.
“Hey, thanks for meeting me. Sorry if I freaked you out, I know I called really late last night” Ryan said as I stood up to greet him.
“Not a problem, what's up?” I replied.
“I, um....I think I'm ready”
“You might have to be a bit more specific bud, ready for what?” I asked raising an eyebrow.
“I think I want to marry Anna”
I was in shock for a moment as I let the words sink in. I opened my mouth, but I hesitated before saying all I could say, “oh....wow”
“It came to me last night”
“You've barely been back together that long, are you sure?”
“I have made too many mistakes in the past few years”
“Well, I’m not one to judge…”
“I ruined everything when I said I wanted a baby, and Anna didn't want kids.
But she wanted to try because she knew it would make me happy. I was stupid and cared about myself. I didn't care that Anna wasn't enjoying every moment, and I knew I hurt her both physically and mentally…”
I couldn’t respond. I have never seen Ryan this honest before. It was new for me. I think I waited to long to let it sink in.
“Carey, please say something. You're looking at me like I'm crazy”
“I personally don't know what went on between you and Anna, and honestly it's really not my business, but right now you seem really sincere and I can see you do love her, if it's what you want to do, than do it, nobody's stopping you”
“You know we didn’t make the playoffs this year right?”
I just nodded.
“It was my fault”
“How so?”
“The trips back and forth from Buffalo to Montreal took a real toll on me. I couldn't concentrate, knowing she was there and I couldn't see her. Knowing that if something happened, I couldn't be there in a split second”
“It’s the job Ryan, she knew that when she fell in love with you, Julie knew that, it’s life”
“I just can’t help but feel I could have done more…” he just put his head in his hands and sighed.
“Ryan, shit happens, you have to roll with it. You know if anything were to happen Julie and I are here, and you get here when you get here, she would understand. She loves you, I can see it everyday, and I see the same thing in you, I see it in Julie, and I wonder every single day how she could ever love me, and I feel like the most honoured guy in the world to even look at her the way I do every day, to think about her the way I do every day, and miss her the way I do when I’m gone. Anna respects you, she sees your future together, she cares enough about you to yell at you, disagree with you, tell you when you’re flat out wrong, even when you know it but won’t admit it. She’s the love of your life, she is the one you should be with right now, not me”
He just smiled stood up proudly, “I’m going to do it. I love her, why shouldn’t I marry her?”
“Go get her”
He left the café and I sat there with my thoughts. Thoughts running through my head about Julie. Why am I not married to her yet? Why have I never even considered it?
She keeps me stabilized. She loves me like nobody else can, she looks at me like there is no one else alive. I love how she says my name. I love the sound of her laugh, and the glow when she smiles. And her eyes, she has the most beautiful eyes that you could get lost in.
I love how one of her cheesy jokes could cheer me up in a second, even when I’m having the worst day of my life. I can tell her anything and she listens, she understands me. She respects me and she trusts me, and it still baffles me, after everything that I have done not to deserve her, she still loves me.
I made a beeline for the door. Right now, I just wanted to see her, I had to see her.
I opened the door and stood there for a minute. She was in a pair of old sweats and a hoodie, her hair pulled up into a ponytail and her ipod stuck in her ears. All I could do was smile. She finally realized I was there and pulled on earphone out.
“Hey baby” she smiled.
All I could do was shake my head and wonder why the hell she was standing in front of me. When she could have absolutely anybody in the world.
“What?” she said.
“Nothing” I said walking towards her and wrapping my arms around her waist, “I just love you, that’s all”
Thursday, February 25, 2010
thirteen: how stupid could I be?
song: stupid by sarah mclachlan
Anna's POV
Hugging Julie, I will admit a felt a bit better about what had happened.
Of course, all good things come to an end. This time, I owed it all to Carey Price. I knew he cared about Jules, but what came next I wasn’t expecting.
“ANNA.”
I heard my name as I walked down the hall from her room. I turned around to see Carey standing there, arms crossed. And he was angry.
“Look, I know you’re our friend and all, but I think this incident has proven to be the last,” he said quickly, “I don’t want to say too much about it, but I think it’s time you found a place of your own.”
I frowned, “Carey, you kicking me out?”
“Basically, yeah. You’re a hazard to Julie, to me, and to yourself. I’ve tried to reconcile you and Ryan, and no avail. Take your troubles elsewhere.”
I shook my head, “You’ve got to be kidding me.”
“I’m not kidding. The lease is up.”
I sighed, “Carey, I don’t have anywhere else to go.”
“That’s not my problem anymore.”
“You know,” I said angrily, “It’s not all my fault she miscarried. You weren’t around that much.”
I saw his eyes flare, “I was away for my JOB, Anna. Not that you would know what that is.”
“What’s that supposed to mean, Price?”
“You know what it means. You let Ryan break your heart and you won’t admit you still love him, so you bring all your problems and heap them on us! You could be elsewhere, with a steady career, perhaps with someone new. But no. You had to become a raging alcoholic, and poor Julie, who has to take care of you-”
“No one has to take care of me, I-”
“Oh, just give it up already!” Carey threw his arms in the air, “You came at the worst possible time! I could still be a father right now if you hadn’t showed up with your baggage, causing all the damage you have! I am sick of helping clean up your mess and trying to fix you! If you’re not gone by the time I take Julie home tonight, I swear, I’ll call the fucking police and have you arrested. At least then you’ll have a place to stay.”
I swallowed, “If that’s what you want...so be it, then.”
Tears were flowing down my cheeks as I turned my back on him, walking down the hallway. I officially would be homeless, I thought miserably. I had fucked everything up.
Montreal was the loneliest city in the world. I missed Buffalo like a bad addiction. I wanted Ryan so badly I was willing to do anything to get him back. But I knew long ago that it was over, that he didn’t love me, and that he never would love me again. Especially now, with me being a baby killer and all.
It would be an hour before the bars would open, and I had some cash, so I decided to buy from the green van again. Not that Carey Price gave a damn if I got high. As long as I was away from him and Julia, he was happy as clam. So, with my drugs in hand, I went to a restaurant, smoked up in the bathroom and stumbled out, high as a kite.
Everything was a blur. Vodka, wine, rum, beer, scotch, you name it. I tried and downed everything. I partied with Habs fans, got drunk with some lost Toronto people, even made out with a few foreigners. I could feel myself spinning out of control as the night went on.
My phone rang a few times, and I chucked it into the toilet in the ladies’ room. All I wanted was to save the moment, down everything I could, chug it all down. Make all my problems disappear. The more I drank, the more it left me- Carey and Julie’s baby, Ryan, my love for Ryan, the shame I felt, everything. I watched my phone vibrate and bubble as I took more and more drugs, getting the best high of my life. The world was mine.
I think I was in the middle of doing upside-down tequila shots when I started throwing up.
From there, I don’t remember a thing.
-
Ryan’s POV
I had gotten over playing the Montreal Canadians. I had to convince myself that it was all ancient history, that I had to move on for the sake of my team and career. That night, playing at the Bell Centre, nothing fazed me. It went to a shootout and I saved every shot. We won.
Exiting after Derek Roy, one of the team medics came running over to me, holding out what appeared to be my cell phone, “Ryan, it’s for you. It’s urgent.”
Taking off my mask, I answered, “Hello?”
I heard Julie on the other end, sobbing uncontrollably, “R-Ryan!”
Seeing the press with their cameras, I rushed to the dressing room, “What’s wrong?”
“It’s Anna,” Julie pressed, “She’s...I don’t know...I’m at the hospital on 8th.”
“What? Why?”
“It’s bad, Ryan,” Jules continued, her voice shaky, “Anna has alcohol poisoning, and there’s these....substances, in her bloodstream. They don’t know if she’ll make it....Please, we need you.”
“I’ll be there.” I clicked the my cell phone shut, took the fastest shower of my life, changed and send Lindy a text:
Emergency. Be back at the hotel later.
I could’ve ran all the way to the hospital with the amount of adrenaline in my blood, but the taxi knew the directions better than I did. I practically bounded to the emergency room where I saw Carey and Julia. Carey was sitting, but Julie was pacing. She embraced me, “Oh thank God...thank God...”
“What’s going on? Where’s Anna?” I asked urgently.
Carey stood up, “They’re still pumping her stomach. Hopefully, she’ll regain consciousness soon.”
“I was in there with her, but they made me leave,” Julie sobbed. I kept an arm around her as she kept hugging me.
Carey nodded, “All we can do is wait.”
I sighed, “How in the world did this happen?”
Carey gave me a glare, which I expected, “She’s in love with you, and she just got out of control without you.” I opened my mouth to speak, but he raised his hand. “Don’t argue with me on that one. You kept her sane. Literally.”
Julie continued to cry, and I passed her to Carey, who held her. I hated seeing Julie cry.
“This is such a mess...” I said slowly, “I should’ve listened to you months ago, Price.”
“No shit,” Carey said, “It is kind of my fault, too...I yelled at her before she left the hospital this afternoon...”
“Wait, hospital?” I frowned.
Julie nodded, “I collapsed at home. The doctor says it was stress-related. Carey and I were going to have a baby, but...I miscarried.”
My blood ran cold. I couldn’t imagine how they were feeling, what with losing a child in addition to having to deal with Anna. I felt stupider than ever for not listening to Carey before.
We sat in the waiting room for literally hours. Julie eventually fell asleep on Carey, who refused to let her go. I read every magazine at least three times. Finally, a doctor showed up.
“Miss McNeil,” he began, “Your friend is recovering.”
Julia sighed, “Oh my gosh....thank you.”
She glanced at me before he got the chance to continue, “This is her boyfriend, Ryan. Is there any chance we could go see her?”
The doctor wet his lips, “What I was about to say, was that Miss Evans was put in a coma. It was the only way we could allow her to heal from her internal injuries.”
I felt sick. Julie’s eyes began to water. Only Carey could speak.
“How...how long will she be...you know...”
“Probably a few months, a year at the most,” the doctor explained, “She will be here, of course, continuously receiving treatment.”
The doctor proceeded to tell us all we needed to know to set up a room for Anna. It was out of the question to transfer her to Buffalo, across the border, and we agreed it was best for her to stay at the hospital. It was around 2 am by the time we left.
“Ryan,” Julie said as she hugged me goodbye, “Thanks for coming.”
“I had to,” I told her simply.
For the first time in a long time, she smiled at me.
-
The slowest months of my life went by. We didn’t make the playoffs because I became so distracted. I went to Montreal every chance I got and visited Anna. I brought her cards and flowers. Sometimes I even talked to her, not knowing whether or not she could hear me.
Carey gave me all of Anna’s things, which I took back to Buffalo with me. Things were uncertain. When she woke up (I was positive on that), I didn’t know where things would go with us. I decided to wait on that.
It was the middle of June when I walked into her room with my apology.
The room was filled with fresh flowers that I had delivered each week. The window was wide open, making Anna’s rainbow hair shine. I would not admit that I didn’t like it, but it WAS Anna, so I really had no choice on the matter. Sitting next to her bed, my usual spot, I unfolded the piece of paper I had stuffed in my back pocket.
“Annie,” I said quietly, “I, um, wrote you a letter. I have some things I want to say, and I don’t know if you can hear me, or if you even care, but I’m going to read it to you.”
I took a deep breath.
“Dear Anna, I miss you. I miss you a lot. I know you think I don’t care about you, and the last time we spoke was like a battle. But I care more than you know, and I’m sorry.”
I paused.
“I’m sorry that I couldn’t be there for you all those nights you were afraid. I’m sorry that I couldn’t father a child that would live until birth. I’m sorry for all the things I could have been for you, and I wish I could change for you.”
The smell of the lilies was lingering in the air.
“You were my first real fan and my cheerleader. I took you home to meet my parents and they loved you. Drew already treats you like a sister. Things could not be more perfect in that way.”
I sighed.
“I am still in love with you, Anna Evans. I want to marry you, have babies with you, and win the Stanley Cup so I can lift it above our heads for the whole world to see. I don’t know why it took me so long to say it, and I’m sorry. I love you, Anna. Always have, always will.”
I folded the piece of paper and put it on the table by her bed, closing my eyes.
“You...suck.”
I jumped back to see Anna’s eyes were open, and she was looking at me.
“Took you long enough,” she said, that trademark smirk of hers back in action.
And I had to admit, that it took everything in my power not to kiss her then and there.
Anna's POV
Hugging Julie, I will admit a felt a bit better about what had happened.
Of course, all good things come to an end. This time, I owed it all to Carey Price. I knew he cared about Jules, but what came next I wasn’t expecting.
“ANNA.”
I heard my name as I walked down the hall from her room. I turned around to see Carey standing there, arms crossed. And he was angry.
“Look, I know you’re our friend and all, but I think this incident has proven to be the last,” he said quickly, “I don’t want to say too much about it, but I think it’s time you found a place of your own.”
I frowned, “Carey, you kicking me out?”
“Basically, yeah. You’re a hazard to Julie, to me, and to yourself. I’ve tried to reconcile you and Ryan, and no avail. Take your troubles elsewhere.”
I shook my head, “You’ve got to be kidding me.”
“I’m not kidding. The lease is up.”
I sighed, “Carey, I don’t have anywhere else to go.”
“That’s not my problem anymore.”
“You know,” I said angrily, “It’s not all my fault she miscarried. You weren’t around that much.”
I saw his eyes flare, “I was away for my JOB, Anna. Not that you would know what that is.”
“What’s that supposed to mean, Price?”
“You know what it means. You let Ryan break your heart and you won’t admit you still love him, so you bring all your problems and heap them on us! You could be elsewhere, with a steady career, perhaps with someone new. But no. You had to become a raging alcoholic, and poor Julie, who has to take care of you-”
“No one has to take care of me, I-”
“Oh, just give it up already!” Carey threw his arms in the air, “You came at the worst possible time! I could still be a father right now if you hadn’t showed up with your baggage, causing all the damage you have! I am sick of helping clean up your mess and trying to fix you! If you’re not gone by the time I take Julie home tonight, I swear, I’ll call the fucking police and have you arrested. At least then you’ll have a place to stay.”
I swallowed, “If that’s what you want...so be it, then.”
Tears were flowing down my cheeks as I turned my back on him, walking down the hallway. I officially would be homeless, I thought miserably. I had fucked everything up.
Montreal was the loneliest city in the world. I missed Buffalo like a bad addiction. I wanted Ryan so badly I was willing to do anything to get him back. But I knew long ago that it was over, that he didn’t love me, and that he never would love me again. Especially now, with me being a baby killer and all.
It would be an hour before the bars would open, and I had some cash, so I decided to buy from the green van again. Not that Carey Price gave a damn if I got high. As long as I was away from him and Julia, he was happy as clam. So, with my drugs in hand, I went to a restaurant, smoked up in the bathroom and stumbled out, high as a kite.
Everything was a blur. Vodka, wine, rum, beer, scotch, you name it. I tried and downed everything. I partied with Habs fans, got drunk with some lost Toronto people, even made out with a few foreigners. I could feel myself spinning out of control as the night went on.
My phone rang a few times, and I chucked it into the toilet in the ladies’ room. All I wanted was to save the moment, down everything I could, chug it all down. Make all my problems disappear. The more I drank, the more it left me- Carey and Julie’s baby, Ryan, my love for Ryan, the shame I felt, everything. I watched my phone vibrate and bubble as I took more and more drugs, getting the best high of my life. The world was mine.
I think I was in the middle of doing upside-down tequila shots when I started throwing up.
From there, I don’t remember a thing.
-
Ryan’s POV
I had gotten over playing the Montreal Canadians. I had to convince myself that it was all ancient history, that I had to move on for the sake of my team and career. That night, playing at the Bell Centre, nothing fazed me. It went to a shootout and I saved every shot. We won.
Exiting after Derek Roy, one of the team medics came running over to me, holding out what appeared to be my cell phone, “Ryan, it’s for you. It’s urgent.”
Taking off my mask, I answered, “Hello?”
I heard Julie on the other end, sobbing uncontrollably, “R-Ryan!”
Seeing the press with their cameras, I rushed to the dressing room, “What’s wrong?”
“It’s Anna,” Julie pressed, “She’s...I don’t know...I’m at the hospital on 8th.”
“What? Why?”
“It’s bad, Ryan,” Jules continued, her voice shaky, “Anna has alcohol poisoning, and there’s these....substances, in her bloodstream. They don’t know if she’ll make it....Please, we need you.”
“I’ll be there.” I clicked the my cell phone shut, took the fastest shower of my life, changed and send Lindy a text:
Emergency. Be back at the hotel later.
I could’ve ran all the way to the hospital with the amount of adrenaline in my blood, but the taxi knew the directions better than I did. I practically bounded to the emergency room where I saw Carey and Julia. Carey was sitting, but Julie was pacing. She embraced me, “Oh thank God...thank God...”
“What’s going on? Where’s Anna?” I asked urgently.
Carey stood up, “They’re still pumping her stomach. Hopefully, she’ll regain consciousness soon.”
“I was in there with her, but they made me leave,” Julie sobbed. I kept an arm around her as she kept hugging me.
Carey nodded, “All we can do is wait.”
I sighed, “How in the world did this happen?”
Carey gave me a glare, which I expected, “She’s in love with you, and she just got out of control without you.” I opened my mouth to speak, but he raised his hand. “Don’t argue with me on that one. You kept her sane. Literally.”
Julie continued to cry, and I passed her to Carey, who held her. I hated seeing Julie cry.
“This is such a mess...” I said slowly, “I should’ve listened to you months ago, Price.”
“No shit,” Carey said, “It is kind of my fault, too...I yelled at her before she left the hospital this afternoon...”
“Wait, hospital?” I frowned.
Julie nodded, “I collapsed at home. The doctor says it was stress-related. Carey and I were going to have a baby, but...I miscarried.”
My blood ran cold. I couldn’t imagine how they were feeling, what with losing a child in addition to having to deal with Anna. I felt stupider than ever for not listening to Carey before.
We sat in the waiting room for literally hours. Julie eventually fell asleep on Carey, who refused to let her go. I read every magazine at least three times. Finally, a doctor showed up.
“Miss McNeil,” he began, “Your friend is recovering.”
Julia sighed, “Oh my gosh....thank you.”
She glanced at me before he got the chance to continue, “This is her boyfriend, Ryan. Is there any chance we could go see her?”
The doctor wet his lips, “What I was about to say, was that Miss Evans was put in a coma. It was the only way we could allow her to heal from her internal injuries.”
I felt sick. Julie’s eyes began to water. Only Carey could speak.
“How...how long will she be...you know...”
“Probably a few months, a year at the most,” the doctor explained, “She will be here, of course, continuously receiving treatment.”
The doctor proceeded to tell us all we needed to know to set up a room for Anna. It was out of the question to transfer her to Buffalo, across the border, and we agreed it was best for her to stay at the hospital. It was around 2 am by the time we left.
“Ryan,” Julie said as she hugged me goodbye, “Thanks for coming.”
“I had to,” I told her simply.
For the first time in a long time, she smiled at me.
-
The slowest months of my life went by. We didn’t make the playoffs because I became so distracted. I went to Montreal every chance I got and visited Anna. I brought her cards and flowers. Sometimes I even talked to her, not knowing whether or not she could hear me.
Carey gave me all of Anna’s things, which I took back to Buffalo with me. Things were uncertain. When she woke up (I was positive on that), I didn’t know where things would go with us. I decided to wait on that.
It was the middle of June when I walked into her room with my apology.
The room was filled with fresh flowers that I had delivered each week. The window was wide open, making Anna’s rainbow hair shine. I would not admit that I didn’t like it, but it WAS Anna, so I really had no choice on the matter. Sitting next to her bed, my usual spot, I unfolded the piece of paper I had stuffed in my back pocket.
“Annie,” I said quietly, “I, um, wrote you a letter. I have some things I want to say, and I don’t know if you can hear me, or if you even care, but I’m going to read it to you.”
I took a deep breath.
“Dear Anna, I miss you. I miss you a lot. I know you think I don’t care about you, and the last time we spoke was like a battle. But I care more than you know, and I’m sorry.”
I paused.
“I’m sorry that I couldn’t be there for you all those nights you were afraid. I’m sorry that I couldn’t father a child that would live until birth. I’m sorry for all the things I could have been for you, and I wish I could change for you.”
The smell of the lilies was lingering in the air.
“You were my first real fan and my cheerleader. I took you home to meet my parents and they loved you. Drew already treats you like a sister. Things could not be more perfect in that way.”
I sighed.
“I am still in love with you, Anna Evans. I want to marry you, have babies with you, and win the Stanley Cup so I can lift it above our heads for the whole world to see. I don’t know why it took me so long to say it, and I’m sorry. I love you, Anna. Always have, always will.”
I folded the piece of paper and put it on the table by her bed, closing my eyes.
“You...suck.”
I jumped back to see Anna’s eyes were open, and she was looking at me.
“Took you long enough,” she said, that trademark smirk of hers back in action.
And I had to admit, that it took everything in my power not to kiss her then and there.
twelve: this could get messy, but you don't seem to mind
Song: Hands Clean, Alanis Morrissette
A couple months had flown by and everything was going a bit smoother. Anna had calmed down and was acting at least civilized. She was drinking a bit though, which wasn’t a good sign.
Carey was leaving for a road trip in the morning. Anna was out, it was late and we were just laying in bed. I had my head on his chest and just listened to his heartbeat. It was like music to my ears.
“Have you thought about names yet?” I asked looking up at him.
He pursed his lips and just looked down at me, “not really”
“Neither have I” I sighed.
“Are you hoping for a boy?” I smirked.
“What father doesn’t want a little boy” he replied.
I just laughed, “well personally, I would love a boy too”
“Really?” he asked.
“Give me a name” I said.
“For a boy?”
I just nodded.
He thought back for a minute then spoke“Ethan”
“Oh, I like that” I smiled.
“What about a girl?” he asked, “you pick one”
I thought for a minute, “Ava Lynn”
“That’s a pretty name” he replied.
“Thanks”
“You’re really excited about this aren’t you?” he asked.
“I am” I nodded, “I’m having a baby, and most of all I’m going to have a family with you”
He just squeezed me tighter and I heard his heart start beating faster. I didn’t say a word, I knew this was nerve wracking for him, it was nerve wracking for me too. But I have him with me, so I know that everything is going to be fine.
--
I said goodbye to Carey that morning and turned to see Anna passed out on the couch. Her drinking was really starting to take a toll, not only on her but even us. I decided to clean up the kitchen a bit when I heard a groan from Anna. I grabbed a glass of water and some aspirin and immediately took it into the living room.
“Thanks” was all she said as she took it from my hands and threw it in her mouth.
“You know, you really need to stop this” I sighed standing up from the couch.
“You’re not my mother”
“We’ve been over this” I replied.
“I can drink if I want to”
“You’re hurting yourself!” I snapped, “and you’re hurting us”
“How?”
“When you come home like that every night, it hurts, listening to you stumble in, you waking up with a hangover, me being the “mother”” I used my finger quotes, “and giving you water and aspirin the moment your feet hit the floor.
She didn’t respond and laid her head back down on the pillow and faced the wall. I just sighed and continued my work in the kitchen. I had had enough, she was on her own with this.
--
A few days flew by and Carey was coming home in the morning. Did I ever need him here, and I’m sure he needed me, let’s just say the road trip wasn’t their best of the season. They lost all three games, 2 of them in OT. I haven’t talked to him much after the last loss, I figured if he wanted to talk, he would call, so I didn’t bother.
Anna hadn’t listened to a word I said, it was getting frustrating, I wasn’t getting sleep at night, which can’t be good for the baby. I need sleep, I can’t lose this baby. I did my morning routine, grabbed a shower just before Anna woke up. It’s sad how this was becoming a routine. I grabbed a glass of water and some aspirin and was by her side as she drank it back.
“You just don’t listen” I mumbled.
“You need to shut up”
“You need to stop drinking before you fucking kill yourself” I snapped.
She was silent.
“Do you know what this could do to you Anna? Do you even understand how much this could hurt you?” I sighed, “I can’t lose you because of something this stupid”
“You won’t lose me”
“You’re a freaking alcoholic, you’re killing yourself with the more drinks you have”
“Can you just let me live my life how I want to?” she replied standing up, “It’s really not that bad, I promise”
“Not how I see it” I snapped.
“You’re so judgemental” she huffed.
“Don’t use that on me” I said pointing a finger at her, “I’m trying to look out for you, since you can’t seem to do it yourself!”
“I can look out for myself”
“Even Ryan would agree that you can’t right now”
“Don’t bring that ass back into this”
“You love him, you know it and I know it, and he fucking knows it because he loves you too whether you want to believe it or not. He kept you sane, he looked out for you constantly, he wanted a family with you, how can you just fall out of love that easily?”
“He doesn’t love me anymore” she said tears brimming in her eyes, “there was someone else there”
“Who wasn’t his girlfriend” I sighed, “Carey talked to him and talked to her, he won’t even look at her like he looks at you, he doesn’t like her in that way at all”
“Are you sure?”
“Carey wouldn’t lie to me”
“What if he was?”
“Don’t even go there Anna, you know as well as I do he’s the most honest person out there, and you know that he wants what’s best for you”
“He wants me out of here” she mumbled.
“You know what!” I exclaimed, “I’m done, you won’t listen to me--I’m done--trying” I clenched my stomach as I felt a sharp pain in my side.
“Julie?”
I couldn’t respond and everything went black.
--
I woke up in an unfamiliar room with someone clenching my hand for dear life. My eyes fluttered open and I saw Price looking down, he was really worried. What did I do?
“Hi” I groaned sitting up in my bed.
“Jules” he said jumping up and wrapping his arms around me.
“What happened?”
“You don’t remember anything?”
“I remember yelling at Anna…”
“You passed out” he said voice breaking, “the baby’s gone”
I put my hand on my stomach and my eyes started to flood with tears. This did not just happen. I didn’t just lose my baby, I couldn’t have, I can’t even carry a baby for two months. This is a punch to the stomach.
“No…”
“I’m sorry sweetie”
“It’s not your fault, do you think I can have some time alone…please?”
“Sure thing” he said standing up and kissing my forehead, “I love you”
“I love you too”
He left the room and I sat there as the thoughts swam through my head. My heart was shattering right now, I still can’t believe this is happening. Stress, no sleep…I knew this couldn’t be good for this baby.
After everything that Price and I talked about, names, that evening, the least stressful evening of my life. We had names. My eyes were starting to well up with tears, and I cried, I cried hard.
I heard a noise outside, some loud voices after about an hour of thinking and getting my head on straight, and finally wiping my eyes. I saw Anna peek her head inside and then she was yanked away.
“Anna!” I yelled. The noise subsided and she peeked her head inside again.
“Hi…”
“Come in” I said quietly.
“Carey doesn’t want me too”
“I said it’s fine, just shut the door”
She shut the door behind her and didn’t move far from it. Her hair was pulled back with and elastic and plenty of bobby pins, the rainbow really stood out. She wasn’t wearing makeup and she was in an old t-shirt and jeans. That was the Anna I knew.
I patted the bed beside me and she walked over and sat on the edge. I just looked up at her and she immediately started bawling. I sat up a bit farther, ignoring the pain in my side and wrapped my arms around her.
“I’m so sorry” she bawled, “I didn’t mean to”
“Sweetie, it happens, it’s not your fault”
“I’m the one who caused you stress, and gave you sleepless nights, it is my fault”
“It wasn’t meant to be Annie ok”
“I know how you feel right now, and you’re being way too nice to me”
“I will choose how nice to be, and I know you know how it feels, but don’t sympathize with me, please, because obviously I wasn’t meant to have a child right now”
“I’m sorry”
“Stop Annie, stop apologizing”
“No, I really am. I’m done going out, and I won’t drink so much and come home hammered every night, I’ll even dye my hair back”
I just laughed, “if you want to. I just want the old Annie back”
“She’s back” she smiled.
“Good, that’s all I want”
A couple months had flown by and everything was going a bit smoother. Anna had calmed down and was acting at least civilized. She was drinking a bit though, which wasn’t a good sign.
Carey was leaving for a road trip in the morning. Anna was out, it was late and we were just laying in bed. I had my head on his chest and just listened to his heartbeat. It was like music to my ears.
“Have you thought about names yet?” I asked looking up at him.
He pursed his lips and just looked down at me, “not really”
“Neither have I” I sighed.
“Are you hoping for a boy?” I smirked.
“What father doesn’t want a little boy” he replied.
I just laughed, “well personally, I would love a boy too”
“Really?” he asked.
“Give me a name” I said.
“For a boy?”
I just nodded.
He thought back for a minute then spoke“Ethan”
“Oh, I like that” I smiled.
“What about a girl?” he asked, “you pick one”
I thought for a minute, “Ava Lynn”
“That’s a pretty name” he replied.
“Thanks”
“You’re really excited about this aren’t you?” he asked.
“I am” I nodded, “I’m having a baby, and most of all I’m going to have a family with you”
He just squeezed me tighter and I heard his heart start beating faster. I didn’t say a word, I knew this was nerve wracking for him, it was nerve wracking for me too. But I have him with me, so I know that everything is going to be fine.
--
I said goodbye to Carey that morning and turned to see Anna passed out on the couch. Her drinking was really starting to take a toll, not only on her but even us. I decided to clean up the kitchen a bit when I heard a groan from Anna. I grabbed a glass of water and some aspirin and immediately took it into the living room.
“Thanks” was all she said as she took it from my hands and threw it in her mouth.
“You know, you really need to stop this” I sighed standing up from the couch.
“You’re not my mother”
“We’ve been over this” I replied.
“I can drink if I want to”
“You’re hurting yourself!” I snapped, “and you’re hurting us”
“How?”
“When you come home like that every night, it hurts, listening to you stumble in, you waking up with a hangover, me being the “mother”” I used my finger quotes, “and giving you water and aspirin the moment your feet hit the floor.
She didn’t respond and laid her head back down on the pillow and faced the wall. I just sighed and continued my work in the kitchen. I had had enough, she was on her own with this.
--
A few days flew by and Carey was coming home in the morning. Did I ever need him here, and I’m sure he needed me, let’s just say the road trip wasn’t their best of the season. They lost all three games, 2 of them in OT. I haven’t talked to him much after the last loss, I figured if he wanted to talk, he would call, so I didn’t bother.
Anna hadn’t listened to a word I said, it was getting frustrating, I wasn’t getting sleep at night, which can’t be good for the baby. I need sleep, I can’t lose this baby. I did my morning routine, grabbed a shower just before Anna woke up. It’s sad how this was becoming a routine. I grabbed a glass of water and some aspirin and was by her side as she drank it back.
“You just don’t listen” I mumbled.
“You need to shut up”
“You need to stop drinking before you fucking kill yourself” I snapped.
She was silent.
“Do you know what this could do to you Anna? Do you even understand how much this could hurt you?” I sighed, “I can’t lose you because of something this stupid”
“You won’t lose me”
“You’re a freaking alcoholic, you’re killing yourself with the more drinks you have”
“Can you just let me live my life how I want to?” she replied standing up, “It’s really not that bad, I promise”
“Not how I see it” I snapped.
“You’re so judgemental” she huffed.
“Don’t use that on me” I said pointing a finger at her, “I’m trying to look out for you, since you can’t seem to do it yourself!”
“I can look out for myself”
“Even Ryan would agree that you can’t right now”
“Don’t bring that ass back into this”
“You love him, you know it and I know it, and he fucking knows it because he loves you too whether you want to believe it or not. He kept you sane, he looked out for you constantly, he wanted a family with you, how can you just fall out of love that easily?”
“He doesn’t love me anymore” she said tears brimming in her eyes, “there was someone else there”
“Who wasn’t his girlfriend” I sighed, “Carey talked to him and talked to her, he won’t even look at her like he looks at you, he doesn’t like her in that way at all”
“Are you sure?”
“Carey wouldn’t lie to me”
“What if he was?”
“Don’t even go there Anna, you know as well as I do he’s the most honest person out there, and you know that he wants what’s best for you”
“He wants me out of here” she mumbled.
“You know what!” I exclaimed, “I’m done, you won’t listen to me--I’m done--trying” I clenched my stomach as I felt a sharp pain in my side.
“Julie?”
I couldn’t respond and everything went black.
--
I woke up in an unfamiliar room with someone clenching my hand for dear life. My eyes fluttered open and I saw Price looking down, he was really worried. What did I do?
“Hi” I groaned sitting up in my bed.
“Jules” he said jumping up and wrapping his arms around me.
“What happened?”
“You don’t remember anything?”
“I remember yelling at Anna…”
“You passed out” he said voice breaking, “the baby’s gone”
I put my hand on my stomach and my eyes started to flood with tears. This did not just happen. I didn’t just lose my baby, I couldn’t have, I can’t even carry a baby for two months. This is a punch to the stomach.
“No…”
“I’m sorry sweetie”
“It’s not your fault, do you think I can have some time alone…please?”
“Sure thing” he said standing up and kissing my forehead, “I love you”
“I love you too”
He left the room and I sat there as the thoughts swam through my head. My heart was shattering right now, I still can’t believe this is happening. Stress, no sleep…I knew this couldn’t be good for this baby.
After everything that Price and I talked about, names, that evening, the least stressful evening of my life. We had names. My eyes were starting to well up with tears, and I cried, I cried hard.
I heard a noise outside, some loud voices after about an hour of thinking and getting my head on straight, and finally wiping my eyes. I saw Anna peek her head inside and then she was yanked away.
“Anna!” I yelled. The noise subsided and she peeked her head inside again.
“Hi…”
“Come in” I said quietly.
“Carey doesn’t want me too”
“I said it’s fine, just shut the door”
She shut the door behind her and didn’t move far from it. Her hair was pulled back with and elastic and plenty of bobby pins, the rainbow really stood out. She wasn’t wearing makeup and she was in an old t-shirt and jeans. That was the Anna I knew.
I patted the bed beside me and she walked over and sat on the edge. I just looked up at her and she immediately started bawling. I sat up a bit farther, ignoring the pain in my side and wrapped my arms around her.
“I’m so sorry” she bawled, “I didn’t mean to”
“Sweetie, it happens, it’s not your fault”
“I’m the one who caused you stress, and gave you sleepless nights, it is my fault”
“It wasn’t meant to be Annie ok”
“I know how you feel right now, and you’re being way too nice to me”
“I will choose how nice to be, and I know you know how it feels, but don’t sympathize with me, please, because obviously I wasn’t meant to have a child right now”
“I’m sorry”
“Stop Annie, stop apologizing”
“No, I really am. I’m done going out, and I won’t drink so much and come home hammered every night, I’ll even dye my hair back”
I just laughed, “if you want to. I just want the old Annie back”
“She’s back” she smiled.
“Good, that’s all I want”
RE READ chapter 11
you should re read chapter 11, if you haven't read it yet. the lovely autumn added another element to it that is important to the story. so yes, go read.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
eleven: we've got a big big mess, a big big mess
song: we've got a big mess on our hands, the academy is...
Anna's POV
He was hot. Screw that, he was smoking hot. With every drink I downed, he looked even better. Those eyes, that hair, that body- I wanted every inch of it, and I wanted it right then and there.
Jacob Markstrom was his name. He was Swedish- at least, I thought he was at the time. It’s hard to remember things when you’re so drunk. I knew he was property of the Ottawa Senators- the team that Carey and Julie hated. But do you think I cared?
I could feel Ryan in the back of my mind as I stayed at the bar with Jacob, but somehow I felt that with the more I drank, the more likely he was to disappear. And with time, he did. Jacob and I danced closer, drank more and touched more. It soon became apparent that I could not stay at the bar with him.
“You wanna go back to my place?” I slurred.
His blue eyes widened, “Really?”
I let my hand wander, “Yes, really. Let’s go.”
Somehow I was able to tell a taxi the directions to the apartment. Jacob and I stumbled out, giggling like schoolchildren as we made our way up the stairs. We made out on the wall before I stuck my spare key in the door. From there we tumbled into the living room area and onto the couch.
I pulled Jacob’s pants off, followed by his shoes. He busied himself with removing my top and bra. We fell down on the couch, drunk as hell, still making out like teenagers. God it felt good to kiss someone again- it didn’t matter that his kisses were nothing like Ryan’s.
How they used to be, at least.
Jacob took off his shirt and I pulled my tights to my ankles, lifting up my skirt. It was somewhere along this time that I heard some footsteps, followed by a gasp. Then the yelling. Oh, the yelling...
“What the hell is going on here? Who are you?”
Jacob’s face turned bright red and he scrambled off the couch to grab his clothes, “Err, um, I’m...I, uh...” Carey pointed to the door. Jacob made a beeline for it and disappeared.
I groaned, “Come on. We were just having fun.”
“I cannot believe you would bring a strange guy into my apartment,” Carey said angrily, a harsh whisper, “Anna, what is wrong with you?”
I leaned back, “So many things.”
“Put your clothes on,” Carey snapped, “Now. And go to sleep. We’ll talk about this in the morning.”
-
I woke up on the couch the next morning to the sound of Carey and Julia in the kitchen. They were whispering to each other, and every now and then I heard my name. I decided to pretend I was asleep so I could hear them. But it wasn’t easy. My head felt like it had been run over by a truck fifty times or more, so moaning in pain was out of the question.
“...and she has a nipple piercing. A nipple piercing!”
“You know this HOW?”
“I told you. All they had on was underwear. If I’d have ignored the noise and blown it off as something in the plumbing system, we’d have an even bigger mess on our hands.”
Jules sighed, “Oh Carey...I don’t know what to do anymore.”
“There’s only one thing we can do,” Carey told her, “Baby, I’ve had enough of this. I’m not going to call him or anything. I’m just dropping in.”
“Wait, what?”
“The road trip starts tomorrow and I am sure as hell paying Ryan Miller a visit once we get to Buffalo. I don’t care what he thinks. I am dragging his ass down here to rid us of this....this big mess.”
“Carey, I don’t know-”
“Julie, we have a baby to prepare for. This is no environment to raise a child in. Anna has to go. I don’t care if Ryan wants her back or not, I’m making sure she’ll be out of here.”
So that was what they wanted, then. For me to leave. I was just this mess, this infection. I knew that something was not right with me, but I never thought my friends would be the ones to tell me that. I decided, as I pretended to sleep through a pounding headache, that as soon as Carey had gone to Buffalo and Jules was at work, I was going to leave. No note, no breadcrumbs. I was good as gone.
-
Carey's POV
Saying goodbye to Julie was harder than usual. I felt like I was sick the entire plane ride to Buffalo. The last thing I wanted to do was leave her behind with the monster Anna had become- and pregnant, no less. Protecting my girlfriend, and now my baby was something I had to do.
We went to the hotel shortly after landing. Luckily, airplanes rarely make me feel ill, so as soon as I tossed my bag into the room I shared with Mike and told him I'd meet him and the guys for practice in an hour. I didn't care if I wound up messing Ryan's game that night- I had to talk to him and now.
I took a taxi to Ryan's house and was there in no time. I swallowed any fear I had and remembered I was about to become a father, and that I had the right to protect my child.
That was when she answered the door.
Her hair was long and dark brown, and she had wide eyes that sparked curiousity. She was wearing an old Buffalo Sabres shirt, definitely Ryan's, with old faded jeans. I blinked at her and instantly knew she was a replacement- an Anna doppelganger.
"Can I help you?"
"Yeah, I'm looking for Ryan..."
"Oh, he's just having his pre-game nap upstairs. Perhaps if you-"
"I'm sorry, but I need to talk to him now."
She shrugged, "If you leave your name and number, I could-"
I paused, "What's your name, miss?"
She was taken aback by my question, "Noureen. Noureen DeWulf."
"Miss Dewulf, please forgive me for being so forward, but you seem like a very nice girl," I said slowly, "In fact, you're quite pretty as well. But the truth is, Ryan's not in a good state for a relationship right now."
Noureen frowned, "Excuse me?"
"My name is Carey Price, and I've just found out my girlfriend is pregnant," I explained, "I know this sounds weird and crazy, but...Ryan's girlfriend, Anna, is staying with us in Montreal, and she's not doing very well."
"...but he doesn't have a girlfriend. He said they broke up."
"I'm sorry you have to hear this," I continued, "But I have a bad feeling that things could escalade to a dangerous level. I'm not saying that I'm here to make Ryan get back with Anna, but I'm here for his help. No one can get through to her." I sighed. "I'm just so worried for my Julie..."
Noureen opened the door further, "Come in. Tell me the whole story."
So I did. Sitting in Ryan's living room, with Anna's replacement, I told the entire story. The pregnancy attempts. The miscarriages. The fights, the break up, and now, the bringing strangers home to sleep with in the apartment. Noureen listened intently, and I felt sorry for her in a way. She was a very nice girl and didn't deserve to be brought into all of this.
"Mr. Price," she said when I finished, "I feel awful about Anna...and your poor Julie."
I rested my chin in my hands, "I'm at the end of my rope, here, Noureen."
To my surprise, she reached out and touched my shoulder, "Might I tell you something? Something, private?"
I nodded solemnly.
"I am not sleeping with Ryan. In fact, it is just the opposite. I stayed here last night because my home is currently under renovation. I stayed in the guest room, and in the middle of the night, I got up to use the bathroom." She smiled a bit. "I saw Ryan was awake in his room, and was looking at something. After peaking through the doorway I realized they were ultrasound pictures. He seemed distant, a bit sad, really..." She sighed gently. "And now you, having shown up like this, have helped me make sense of it. I was very curious as to why Ryan never tried to initiate sex with me, but now it makes sense. There is someone else he will share that with, and she needs him now more than I ever will."
I was in complete shock. Here I was expecting a cat fight, if anything. This girl was calm and understanding.
Then I understood why. Noureen rose from the couch and took off the t-shirt, pulled on her jacket and headed for the door. She glanced at me and nodded, "I have somewhere I need to be. Someone I need to call. Ryan is upstairs. Do what you need to do, Mr. Price." Those words said, she left.
Now came the hard part.
"Noureen?"
Lucky for me, I didn't have to wake him up.
"She's gone, Ryan," I said, standing at the bottom of the stairs, "I told her everything."
Ryan glared at me as we came face-to-face, "What the hell are you doing in my house?"
"I'm here because I need you," I explained, "We need you. Anna needs you."
Ryan scoffed, "No she doesn't. She made that very clear awhile ago."
"Julie's pregnant, Ry," I stated, watching his eyes go wide, "And I am going to take care of her. We can't have a safe environment for the baby if Anna's around any longer."
"So kick her out then. She'll find some other guy to live off of. I don't see how this involves me."
"You're the only one who can help Anna with her self-control," I said, "And believe me, she needs it."
"She needs help, period."
"Will you stop it already? This is all such bullshit! I know you still have feelings for her."
Ryan said nothing.
"And she feels for you, too."
"She told me to go fuck myself. She obviously doesn't have feelings for anyone but herself."
"That's just it. Her self-respect is gone. The other night, she dyed her hair rainbow. RAINBOW."
"Pfft."
"And she got lip piercings," I continued, "Did I mention she does drugs now? She smoked weed before coming to my game the other night and Julie had to escort her out."
Ryan shook his head, "Do you realize how crazy you're sounding?"
"I'm telling the damn truth, Ryan," I seethed, "Maybe this will make you listen. Last night she disappeared and came back drunk with some guy. I found them half-naked on the couch."
Ryan's eyes flashed, "What?!"
I smirked, "Now you're listening."
Ryan shrugged his shoulders, "That doesn't sound like Anna."
"You and I both know she never cheated on you with Drew Stafford."
He avoided my gaze.
"And we both know that she's lost without you."
"She seems to be leading an exciting life."
"A dangerous life," I told him, "Please, you've got to help me out, here. Call her. Text her. Something. I don't care what you do, but please try to talk some sense into that girl. Anna won't listen to Julia or me, and things are getting out of my control."
"She won't listen. She hates me."
"I know she doesn't hate you. The other day at the market she yelled at Scott Gomez." I smiled a bit. "She said she hated him for what he did to you. I'm sure you remember well how things were when that happened."
"I...I do remember. She stayed in bed with me all day because I was upset."
"Case in point. So, call her up."
Ryan shook his head, "I can't."
"Why?"
"Because."
"That's not a reason."
"I don't love her anymore, Carey."
"You're lying to my face. That's a new one."
Ryan shot me a nasty look, "I want you out of my house, now."
"Your house and Anna's house," I shot back, "You still love her. Just admit it."
"I don't!"
"Fine then," I said angrily, heading for the door, "Be a coward. Let your ego get the best of you. Just because your girlfriend miscarries doesn't mean you give up on them."
"I didn't give up!" Ryan screamed, "She did."
"You both did! And I'm getting bored of this, Ryan! I have a baby on the way and I am determined to protect it. I'm not giving up just because things get hard."
"You don't understand what you're talking about."
"Oh, and you do? Letting her turn into a crazy person and pretending you don't give a shit?"
"You don't know what it was like!"
"Then tell me. I'd love to know what's driving Anna to do drugs."
That was when Ryan forced it all out.
"The disappointment of not conceiving a baby drove us crazy. We tried non-stop. We tried so often that sex wasn't like lovemaking, or exciting, or even pleasurable anymore. It was robotic. It drove a stake between us. I became obsessed with the game because I was so angry at myself for not being able to father a child; at least one that would live until birth. Doctors told us it would never happen, but we ignored them. We kept trying. And eventually, it was just too painful and we started to fight about it. The last time we kissed must've been ages ago. The passion died. We slept in our bed like strangers. It was...it was the worst time in either of our lives."
I gave him time to catch his breath before I spoke again.
"You still love her, though."
Ryan let out an exasperated sigh, "Of course I do. But I can't have this right now. I can't deal with it."
"Why? Because of your career?" I chuckled, "Get your priorities straight."
"Like you'd understand."
I shook off the insult and opened the front door, "You've got two options. Either you call Anna or we'll bring her back here. Unlike you, I'm choosing the love of my life over the love for my career. Take care of yourself, Ryan. God knows Anna has no idea how."
Those words being said, I left Ryan's house and started to walk back to the hotel. I wasn't interested in a taxi this time. Something told me I needed a nice long walk to clear my head.
Anna's POV
He was hot. Screw that, he was smoking hot. With every drink I downed, he looked even better. Those eyes, that hair, that body- I wanted every inch of it, and I wanted it right then and there.
Jacob Markstrom was his name. He was Swedish- at least, I thought he was at the time. It’s hard to remember things when you’re so drunk. I knew he was property of the Ottawa Senators- the team that Carey and Julie hated. But do you think I cared?
I could feel Ryan in the back of my mind as I stayed at the bar with Jacob, but somehow I felt that with the more I drank, the more likely he was to disappear. And with time, he did. Jacob and I danced closer, drank more and touched more. It soon became apparent that I could not stay at the bar with him.
“You wanna go back to my place?” I slurred.
His blue eyes widened, “Really?”
I let my hand wander, “Yes, really. Let’s go.”
Somehow I was able to tell a taxi the directions to the apartment. Jacob and I stumbled out, giggling like schoolchildren as we made our way up the stairs. We made out on the wall before I stuck my spare key in the door. From there we tumbled into the living room area and onto the couch.
I pulled Jacob’s pants off, followed by his shoes. He busied himself with removing my top and bra. We fell down on the couch, drunk as hell, still making out like teenagers. God it felt good to kiss someone again- it didn’t matter that his kisses were nothing like Ryan’s.
How they used to be, at least.
Jacob took off his shirt and I pulled my tights to my ankles, lifting up my skirt. It was somewhere along this time that I heard some footsteps, followed by a gasp. Then the yelling. Oh, the yelling...
“What the hell is going on here? Who are you?”
Jacob’s face turned bright red and he scrambled off the couch to grab his clothes, “Err, um, I’m...I, uh...” Carey pointed to the door. Jacob made a beeline for it and disappeared.
I groaned, “Come on. We were just having fun.”
“I cannot believe you would bring a strange guy into my apartment,” Carey said angrily, a harsh whisper, “Anna, what is wrong with you?”
I leaned back, “So many things.”
“Put your clothes on,” Carey snapped, “Now. And go to sleep. We’ll talk about this in the morning.”
-
I woke up on the couch the next morning to the sound of Carey and Julia in the kitchen. They were whispering to each other, and every now and then I heard my name. I decided to pretend I was asleep so I could hear them. But it wasn’t easy. My head felt like it had been run over by a truck fifty times or more, so moaning in pain was out of the question.
“...and she has a nipple piercing. A nipple piercing!”
“You know this HOW?”
“I told you. All they had on was underwear. If I’d have ignored the noise and blown it off as something in the plumbing system, we’d have an even bigger mess on our hands.”
Jules sighed, “Oh Carey...I don’t know what to do anymore.”
“There’s only one thing we can do,” Carey told her, “Baby, I’ve had enough of this. I’m not going to call him or anything. I’m just dropping in.”
“Wait, what?”
“The road trip starts tomorrow and I am sure as hell paying Ryan Miller a visit once we get to Buffalo. I don’t care what he thinks. I am dragging his ass down here to rid us of this....this big mess.”
“Carey, I don’t know-”
“Julie, we have a baby to prepare for. This is no environment to raise a child in. Anna has to go. I don’t care if Ryan wants her back or not, I’m making sure she’ll be out of here.”
So that was what they wanted, then. For me to leave. I was just this mess, this infection. I knew that something was not right with me, but I never thought my friends would be the ones to tell me that. I decided, as I pretended to sleep through a pounding headache, that as soon as Carey had gone to Buffalo and Jules was at work, I was going to leave. No note, no breadcrumbs. I was good as gone.
-
Carey's POV
Saying goodbye to Julie was harder than usual. I felt like I was sick the entire plane ride to Buffalo. The last thing I wanted to do was leave her behind with the monster Anna had become- and pregnant, no less. Protecting my girlfriend, and now my baby was something I had to do.
We went to the hotel shortly after landing. Luckily, airplanes rarely make me feel ill, so as soon as I tossed my bag into the room I shared with Mike and told him I'd meet him and the guys for practice in an hour. I didn't care if I wound up messing Ryan's game that night- I had to talk to him and now.
I took a taxi to Ryan's house and was there in no time. I swallowed any fear I had and remembered I was about to become a father, and that I had the right to protect my child.
That was when she answered the door.
Her hair was long and dark brown, and she had wide eyes that sparked curiousity. She was wearing an old Buffalo Sabres shirt, definitely Ryan's, with old faded jeans. I blinked at her and instantly knew she was a replacement- an Anna doppelganger.
"Can I help you?"
"Yeah, I'm looking for Ryan..."
"Oh, he's just having his pre-game nap upstairs. Perhaps if you-"
"I'm sorry, but I need to talk to him now."
She shrugged, "If you leave your name and number, I could-"
I paused, "What's your name, miss?"
She was taken aback by my question, "Noureen. Noureen DeWulf."
"Miss Dewulf, please forgive me for being so forward, but you seem like a very nice girl," I said slowly, "In fact, you're quite pretty as well. But the truth is, Ryan's not in a good state for a relationship right now."
Noureen frowned, "Excuse me?"
"My name is Carey Price, and I've just found out my girlfriend is pregnant," I explained, "I know this sounds weird and crazy, but...Ryan's girlfriend, Anna, is staying with us in Montreal, and she's not doing very well."
"...but he doesn't have a girlfriend. He said they broke up."
"I'm sorry you have to hear this," I continued, "But I have a bad feeling that things could escalade to a dangerous level. I'm not saying that I'm here to make Ryan get back with Anna, but I'm here for his help. No one can get through to her." I sighed. "I'm just so worried for my Julie..."
Noureen opened the door further, "Come in. Tell me the whole story."
So I did. Sitting in Ryan's living room, with Anna's replacement, I told the entire story. The pregnancy attempts. The miscarriages. The fights, the break up, and now, the bringing strangers home to sleep with in the apartment. Noureen listened intently, and I felt sorry for her in a way. She was a very nice girl and didn't deserve to be brought into all of this.
"Mr. Price," she said when I finished, "I feel awful about Anna...and your poor Julie."
I rested my chin in my hands, "I'm at the end of my rope, here, Noureen."
To my surprise, she reached out and touched my shoulder, "Might I tell you something? Something, private?"
I nodded solemnly.
"I am not sleeping with Ryan. In fact, it is just the opposite. I stayed here last night because my home is currently under renovation. I stayed in the guest room, and in the middle of the night, I got up to use the bathroom." She smiled a bit. "I saw Ryan was awake in his room, and was looking at something. After peaking through the doorway I realized they were ultrasound pictures. He seemed distant, a bit sad, really..." She sighed gently. "And now you, having shown up like this, have helped me make sense of it. I was very curious as to why Ryan never tried to initiate sex with me, but now it makes sense. There is someone else he will share that with, and she needs him now more than I ever will."
I was in complete shock. Here I was expecting a cat fight, if anything. This girl was calm and understanding.
Then I understood why. Noureen rose from the couch and took off the t-shirt, pulled on her jacket and headed for the door. She glanced at me and nodded, "I have somewhere I need to be. Someone I need to call. Ryan is upstairs. Do what you need to do, Mr. Price." Those words said, she left.
Now came the hard part.
"Noureen?"
Lucky for me, I didn't have to wake him up.
"She's gone, Ryan," I said, standing at the bottom of the stairs, "I told her everything."
Ryan glared at me as we came face-to-face, "What the hell are you doing in my house?"
"I'm here because I need you," I explained, "We need you. Anna needs you."
Ryan scoffed, "No she doesn't. She made that very clear awhile ago."
"Julie's pregnant, Ry," I stated, watching his eyes go wide, "And I am going to take care of her. We can't have a safe environment for the baby if Anna's around any longer."
"So kick her out then. She'll find some other guy to live off of. I don't see how this involves me."
"You're the only one who can help Anna with her self-control," I said, "And believe me, she needs it."
"She needs help, period."
"Will you stop it already? This is all such bullshit! I know you still have feelings for her."
Ryan said nothing.
"And she feels for you, too."
"She told me to go fuck myself. She obviously doesn't have feelings for anyone but herself."
"That's just it. Her self-respect is gone. The other night, she dyed her hair rainbow. RAINBOW."
"Pfft."
"And she got lip piercings," I continued, "Did I mention she does drugs now? She smoked weed before coming to my game the other night and Julie had to escort her out."
Ryan shook his head, "Do you realize how crazy you're sounding?"
"I'm telling the damn truth, Ryan," I seethed, "Maybe this will make you listen. Last night she disappeared and came back drunk with some guy. I found them half-naked on the couch."
Ryan's eyes flashed, "What?!"
I smirked, "Now you're listening."
Ryan shrugged his shoulders, "That doesn't sound like Anna."
"You and I both know she never cheated on you with Drew Stafford."
He avoided my gaze.
"And we both know that she's lost without you."
"She seems to be leading an exciting life."
"A dangerous life," I told him, "Please, you've got to help me out, here. Call her. Text her. Something. I don't care what you do, but please try to talk some sense into that girl. Anna won't listen to Julia or me, and things are getting out of my control."
"She won't listen. She hates me."
"I know she doesn't hate you. The other day at the market she yelled at Scott Gomez." I smiled a bit. "She said she hated him for what he did to you. I'm sure you remember well how things were when that happened."
"I...I do remember. She stayed in bed with me all day because I was upset."
"Case in point. So, call her up."
Ryan shook his head, "I can't."
"Why?"
"Because."
"That's not a reason."
"I don't love her anymore, Carey."
"You're lying to my face. That's a new one."
Ryan shot me a nasty look, "I want you out of my house, now."
"Your house and Anna's house," I shot back, "You still love her. Just admit it."
"I don't!"
"Fine then," I said angrily, heading for the door, "Be a coward. Let your ego get the best of you. Just because your girlfriend miscarries doesn't mean you give up on them."
"I didn't give up!" Ryan screamed, "She did."
"You both did! And I'm getting bored of this, Ryan! I have a baby on the way and I am determined to protect it. I'm not giving up just because things get hard."
"You don't understand what you're talking about."
"Oh, and you do? Letting her turn into a crazy person and pretending you don't give a shit?"
"You don't know what it was like!"
"Then tell me. I'd love to know what's driving Anna to do drugs."
That was when Ryan forced it all out.
"The disappointment of not conceiving a baby drove us crazy. We tried non-stop. We tried so often that sex wasn't like lovemaking, or exciting, or even pleasurable anymore. It was robotic. It drove a stake between us. I became obsessed with the game because I was so angry at myself for not being able to father a child; at least one that would live until birth. Doctors told us it would never happen, but we ignored them. We kept trying. And eventually, it was just too painful and we started to fight about it. The last time we kissed must've been ages ago. The passion died. We slept in our bed like strangers. It was...it was the worst time in either of our lives."
I gave him time to catch his breath before I spoke again.
"You still love her, though."
Ryan let out an exasperated sigh, "Of course I do. But I can't have this right now. I can't deal with it."
"Why? Because of your career?" I chuckled, "Get your priorities straight."
"Like you'd understand."
I shook off the insult and opened the front door, "You've got two options. Either you call Anna or we'll bring her back here. Unlike you, I'm choosing the love of my life over the love for my career. Take care of yourself, Ryan. God knows Anna has no idea how."
Those words being said, I left Ryan's house and started to walk back to the hotel. I wasn't interested in a taxi this time. Something told me I needed a nice long walk to clear my head.
ten : we used to stick together;
Song: Ignorance, Paramore
We got to the restaurant and I was absolutely shaking. I really didn’t want to tell him, but he was going to figure it out sooner or later. I think he could see how nervous I was, because he asked me.
“You alright?”
I looked across the table at him, he meant well, I could tell he was worried about me. Why is this so hard to do? He loves me, he would take this as is. I shouldn’t be so scared. I set my menu down and took his hand across the table, I took in a deep breath and thought of the words to say.
“I’m pregnant”
His face was hard to read. I think he was in shock because his eyes were wide open but he wasn’t saying anything. I didn’t know if I should say anything else or give him a chance to speak.
“Did you just say what I think you said?” he asked.
“I’m pregnant? Yes…”
A smile spread across his face, he jumped up and picked me up in a hug. He caught me off guard but I tightened my grip around him. People stared but I didn’t care.
“This is amazing!”
“It is?” I asked pulling back.
“Did you think I was going to be mad?”
I just nodded, “because of hockey…”
“You always come before hockey. As much as it means to me, you will always be number one in my life, and so will this baby”
I was excited beyond words. I did all I could do, I just kissed him. I heard some random claps and cheers around me and I just laughed and wrapped my arms around him.
He sat back down across from me and you couldn’t wipe that smile off of his face. You couldn’t wipe the smile off of my face. I was so excited right now, I was going to have a family with this guy, the guy, the one and only guy.
We finished dinner and decided to just go back home. The entire way back he was practically bouncing while he was driving. I couldn’t stop smiling at him and the future I was going to have with him. We had so much time in front of us, and I couldn’t wait to spend it with him.
He unlocked the door, hoping to see a dark apartment and Anna sitting on the floor with her Thai food, in front of the tv, but that was not the case. The apartment was dark, yes, but there was no Anna, and no Paranormal State marathon on tv.
“Shit, where is she?”
“Great, she’s gone again” he sighed.
“Give me your phone please”
“Anna broke it, remember?”
“Fuck” I huffed.
I went to my bedroom where I had left my cell phone, by accident. I scrolled through my contacts to Anna’s number and impatiently waited for the answer.
“Julie!” I heard her exclaim, she wasn’t sober.
“Damn it Anna, where are you!?”
“I’m out” she said subtly.
“I’m aware of that. Where?”
“You’re not my mother” she huffed.
“Than stop acting like a fucking five year old that we feel we have to watch every five minutes. We try and go out for once, you lie to us again, this is getting frustrating”
“Fine. I’ll come back”
“I’ll come looking for you if you’re not back in ten minutes, and don‘t drive!”
“I’ll be there! And I‘m not stupid” she snapped.
I shut my phone and threw it onto my bed in frustration. I was getting tired of this and I didn’t know how much more I could take of her. I needed Ryan more than she did right now, I just want to live my life in peace. He can straighten her out, she will listen to him.
I can’t even work without her calling me every hour. I just want my life back, and I want her to have her life back. This was not my best friend. I miss the old Anna. I need her back, I need the old Anna back.
We got to the restaurant and I was absolutely shaking. I really didn’t want to tell him, but he was going to figure it out sooner or later. I think he could see how nervous I was, because he asked me.
“You alright?”
I looked across the table at him, he meant well, I could tell he was worried about me. Why is this so hard to do? He loves me, he would take this as is. I shouldn’t be so scared. I set my menu down and took his hand across the table, I took in a deep breath and thought of the words to say.
“I’m pregnant”
His face was hard to read. I think he was in shock because his eyes were wide open but he wasn’t saying anything. I didn’t know if I should say anything else or give him a chance to speak.
“Did you just say what I think you said?” he asked.
“I’m pregnant? Yes…”
A smile spread across his face, he jumped up and picked me up in a hug. He caught me off guard but I tightened my grip around him. People stared but I didn’t care.
“This is amazing!”
“It is?” I asked pulling back.
“Did you think I was going to be mad?”
I just nodded, “because of hockey…”
“You always come before hockey. As much as it means to me, you will always be number one in my life, and so will this baby”
I was excited beyond words. I did all I could do, I just kissed him. I heard some random claps and cheers around me and I just laughed and wrapped my arms around him.
He sat back down across from me and you couldn’t wipe that smile off of his face. You couldn’t wipe the smile off of my face. I was so excited right now, I was going to have a family with this guy, the guy, the one and only guy.
We finished dinner and decided to just go back home. The entire way back he was practically bouncing while he was driving. I couldn’t stop smiling at him and the future I was going to have with him. We had so much time in front of us, and I couldn’t wait to spend it with him.
He unlocked the door, hoping to see a dark apartment and Anna sitting on the floor with her Thai food, in front of the tv, but that was not the case. The apartment was dark, yes, but there was no Anna, and no Paranormal State marathon on tv.
“Shit, where is she?”
“Great, she’s gone again” he sighed.
“Give me your phone please”
“Anna broke it, remember?”
“Fuck” I huffed.
I went to my bedroom where I had left my cell phone, by accident. I scrolled through my contacts to Anna’s number and impatiently waited for the answer.
“Julie!” I heard her exclaim, she wasn’t sober.
“Damn it Anna, where are you!?”
“I’m out” she said subtly.
“I’m aware of that. Where?”
“You’re not my mother” she huffed.
“Than stop acting like a fucking five year old that we feel we have to watch every five minutes. We try and go out for once, you lie to us again, this is getting frustrating”
“Fine. I’ll come back”
“I’ll come looking for you if you’re not back in ten minutes, and don‘t drive!”
“I’ll be there! And I‘m not stupid” she snapped.
I shut my phone and threw it onto my bed in frustration. I was getting tired of this and I didn’t know how much more I could take of her. I needed Ryan more than she did right now, I just want to live my life in peace. He can straighten her out, she will listen to him.
I can’t even work without her calling me every hour. I just want my life back, and I want her to have her life back. This was not my best friend. I miss the old Anna. I need her back, I need the old Anna back.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
nine: lost your way.
song: aftermath by adam lambert
Anna's POV
I needed to get away and forget about the way I acted that night at the game. I was feeling pretty damn embarrassed to say the least. That was my first and last encounter with drugs.
Julie wasn’t speaking to me. She was angry. I didn’t blame her. Carey scared me, so I steered clear of him as well. Eventually, at midday, I managed to catch Jules alone.
“So...have you told him yet?”
She shrugged, “No. I don’t know how.”
I think she expected me to say something half-baked, but I didn’t, “You both need to be alone to talk about it. I understand.”
“What are you saying?”
“There’s a Paranormal State marathon on tonight,” I said slowly, “You know it’s my favourite show. If you’d both like to go out for dinner someplace, I could order in some Thai food and watch it all night.”
Julia surprised me by giving me a hug, “That’s the perfect idea, Annie. Thank you.”
I smiled, “No problem.”
She let go, “You sure you’d be ok here alone?”
I chuckled, “I love scary stuff, especially when I’m alone. It’s fun.”
Jules looked relieved, “Ok, I’ll call Carey at the gym.”
He said it was a go, and by 8:00pm that evening, the two were dressed up and ready to go out. I sat on the floor, wearing one of Ryan’s old t-shirts (secretly I hoped they wouldn’t notice), sitting back to watch my show. Carey whispered something to Julie, who nodded and smiled at me.
“Alright, we’ll be back around 11,” Julia said as Carey opened the door for her, “Call me if you get scared.”
I smirked, “Have a nice dinner, you guys.”
The door closed behind them and I yawned. I hated lying to my best friend and her boyfriend, but it had to be done if I wanted to enjoy a bottle of Jack tonight. It wasn’t like I was going to experiment with pot again- I was done with that. A drink or two at the bar would help me loosen up. Plus, I’d be home before them and asleep. They’d never know.
That was the plan, but of course, things rarely go my way.
Anna's POV
I needed to get away and forget about the way I acted that night at the game. I was feeling pretty damn embarrassed to say the least. That was my first and last encounter with drugs.
Julie wasn’t speaking to me. She was angry. I didn’t blame her. Carey scared me, so I steered clear of him as well. Eventually, at midday, I managed to catch Jules alone.
“So...have you told him yet?”
She shrugged, “No. I don’t know how.”
I think she expected me to say something half-baked, but I didn’t, “You both need to be alone to talk about it. I understand.”
“What are you saying?”
“There’s a Paranormal State marathon on tonight,” I said slowly, “You know it’s my favourite show. If you’d both like to go out for dinner someplace, I could order in some Thai food and watch it all night.”
Julia surprised me by giving me a hug, “That’s the perfect idea, Annie. Thank you.”
I smiled, “No problem.”
She let go, “You sure you’d be ok here alone?”
I chuckled, “I love scary stuff, especially when I’m alone. It’s fun.”
Jules looked relieved, “Ok, I’ll call Carey at the gym.”
He said it was a go, and by 8:00pm that evening, the two were dressed up and ready to go out. I sat on the floor, wearing one of Ryan’s old t-shirts (secretly I hoped they wouldn’t notice), sitting back to watch my show. Carey whispered something to Julie, who nodded and smiled at me.
“Alright, we’ll be back around 11,” Julia said as Carey opened the door for her, “Call me if you get scared.”
I smirked, “Have a nice dinner, you guys.”
The door closed behind them and I yawned. I hated lying to my best friend and her boyfriend, but it had to be done if I wanted to enjoy a bottle of Jack tonight. It wasn’t like I was going to experiment with pot again- I was done with that. A drink or two at the bar would help me loosen up. Plus, I’d be home before them and asleep. They’d never know.
That was the plan, but of course, things rarely go my way.
eight: you're too in love to let it go;
song: Fix You, Coldplay
We got back to my apartment and I was fuming. I can’t believe what she’s done. Dying her hair and piercing her face is one thing, but smoking pot, you had to draw the line somewhere.
I paced the apartment, as she sat on the couch watching me move back and forth. Damn that hair was bright.
“I just can’t believe you!”
“What!?”
“You know what!”
She didn’t reply and I felt like I was going to burst. It’s been less than a week and my life has become chaotic. I’m pregnant, Anna has been harder to handle than a five year old, and work, well, I won’t even go there. I didn’t know what to say to her anymore. She wasn’t listening to us clearly. Ryan was the only one she listened to, but now it doesn’t look like anyone can tell her anything.
She was bouncy while I sat and watched her every move. I was waiting for her to sober up. She eventually started to slow down and ended up on the couch beside me, mumbling something I really wasn’t paying attention to. I heard the door open, hoping it wasn’t her trying to escape. It was actually Carey coming in.
“Thank God” I sighed standing up.
“What happened?”
I grabbed his arm and pulled him towards the kitchen, out of Anna’s earshot, “other than the fucking hair, she was high at the game”
“What!?”
“Carey, I really am getting tired of this. I love her, but I don’t know what to do anymore” I felt my eyes brimming with tears and he just wrapped his arms around me, “I’m tired…”
“This will get sorted out, I promise” he said soothingly and kissing the top of my head.
“We need to try talking to her, one more time” I sighed.
“We can give it a shot, but anymore of this and I will go and bring Ryan back here myself”
I just chuckled, “let’s just hope that doesn’t happen”
We went back into the living room and Anna looked a bit better than before. A bit calmer. We both just stood in front of her, and she looked up at us.
“I know you’re mad at me”
“I don’t think you understand how this affects us as much as you” Carey said.
“You’re not the one who got kicked out”
“But it doesn’t mean you can throw your life away like that Anna!” I exclaimed, “You’re drinking, smoking pot, cutting your hair! We gave you a place to stay, we are not your babysitters, you have to have some self - control”
“Wow” was all Carey said.
Anna just looked at me, disappointed, upset, hurt. I didn’t know how else to get through to her. If she doesn’t see the light, I can’t help her anymore.
“If you can’t see the light Anna…I’m done with this, you’re on your own”
I left the room, with Carey not too far behind me. I sat on the edge of the bed and he just sat beside me. He just intertwined his fingers with mine and didn’t say a word.
“Damn, I forgot to ask how your game went” I said.
“We won” he simply said, “3-1”
“That’s amazing” I smiled squeezing his hand, “why aren’t you out with the guys?”
“Because I knew something was up here when I checked my phone”
“Oh…”
“Are you ok? Something else is going on. I know you”
I contemplated telling him, but seeing that he won, I just didn’t know if I could. What if he was unhappy about it. I mean, even I wasn’t thrilled. I knew someday that I would have a family with Carey, but I just didn’t think this was the time. I thought we’d be married before this even happened. I just can’t tell him right now…I can’t.
“I’m just over tired, this whole thing is really getting to me”
He looked at me for a long moment before leaning in to kiss the top of my head, “if you’re sure”
“Thanks for your concern, but I promise I’m fine”
He just kissed my cheek before standing up, “you going to bed?”
I just nodded, “alright, night. I love you”
“I love you too”
We got back to my apartment and I was fuming. I can’t believe what she’s done. Dying her hair and piercing her face is one thing, but smoking pot, you had to draw the line somewhere.
I paced the apartment, as she sat on the couch watching me move back and forth. Damn that hair was bright.
“I just can’t believe you!”
“What!?”
“You know what!”
She didn’t reply and I felt like I was going to burst. It’s been less than a week and my life has become chaotic. I’m pregnant, Anna has been harder to handle than a five year old, and work, well, I won’t even go there. I didn’t know what to say to her anymore. She wasn’t listening to us clearly. Ryan was the only one she listened to, but now it doesn’t look like anyone can tell her anything.
She was bouncy while I sat and watched her every move. I was waiting for her to sober up. She eventually started to slow down and ended up on the couch beside me, mumbling something I really wasn’t paying attention to. I heard the door open, hoping it wasn’t her trying to escape. It was actually Carey coming in.
“Thank God” I sighed standing up.
“What happened?”
I grabbed his arm and pulled him towards the kitchen, out of Anna’s earshot, “other than the fucking hair, she was high at the game”
“What!?”
“Carey, I really am getting tired of this. I love her, but I don’t know what to do anymore” I felt my eyes brimming with tears and he just wrapped his arms around me, “I’m tired…”
“This will get sorted out, I promise” he said soothingly and kissing the top of my head.
“We need to try talking to her, one more time” I sighed.
“We can give it a shot, but anymore of this and I will go and bring Ryan back here myself”
I just chuckled, “let’s just hope that doesn’t happen”
We went back into the living room and Anna looked a bit better than before. A bit calmer. We both just stood in front of her, and she looked up at us.
“I know you’re mad at me”
“I don’t think you understand how this affects us as much as you” Carey said.
“You’re not the one who got kicked out”
“But it doesn’t mean you can throw your life away like that Anna!” I exclaimed, “You’re drinking, smoking pot, cutting your hair! We gave you a place to stay, we are not your babysitters, you have to have some self - control”
“Wow” was all Carey said.
Anna just looked at me, disappointed, upset, hurt. I didn’t know how else to get through to her. If she doesn’t see the light, I can’t help her anymore.
“If you can’t see the light Anna…I’m done with this, you’re on your own”
I left the room, with Carey not too far behind me. I sat on the edge of the bed and he just sat beside me. He just intertwined his fingers with mine and didn’t say a word.
“Damn, I forgot to ask how your game went” I said.
“We won” he simply said, “3-1”
“That’s amazing” I smiled squeezing his hand, “why aren’t you out with the guys?”
“Because I knew something was up here when I checked my phone”
“Oh…”
“Are you ok? Something else is going on. I know you”
I contemplated telling him, but seeing that he won, I just didn’t know if I could. What if he was unhappy about it. I mean, even I wasn’t thrilled. I knew someday that I would have a family with Carey, but I just didn’t think this was the time. I thought we’d be married before this even happened. I just can’t tell him right now…I can’t.
“I’m just over tired, this whole thing is really getting to me”
He looked at me for a long moment before leaning in to kiss the top of my head, “if you’re sure”
“Thanks for your concern, but I promise I’m fine”
He just kissed my cheek before standing up, “you going to bed?”
I just nodded, “alright, night. I love you”
“I love you too”
seven: it's another side of me.
song: acting out by ashley tisdale
Julie was totally pregnant and I knew it before she came out of the bathroom to hug me and cry. I tried my best to comfort her, but in a way, it kind of felt unfair to me. I was the one who wanted to have a baby, to start a family, and here she was with Carey, both of them not wanting any such thing. It could ruin them.
Then again, not conceiving ruined Ryan and me.
I loved him. Of course I couldn’t stop. He could make me leave and even make me cry, but I still loved him. When I love, I love hard- I don’t give up easy. Even if I want to.
I spoke with Jules for awhile, and she decided to wait to tell Carey until they were alone. I somehow felt she meant until I was gone, but I didn’t say anything. My future was so uncertain. Then again, I sort of hoped they’d keep me- I could be a nanny to the kid. It would give me something to do.
Then maybe in some alternate universe I could learn how to get and stay pregnant and Ryan would love me again.
Thank god the record changed.
Dr. Phil always inspires me, and I am not ashamed to say that. It was the incredible Mr. McGraw himself, that day, that brought me to the conclusion I so desperately needed to hear. I was sitting on the floor with a bowl of ramen when he started yelling at the fat trailer park people who were arguing about who would earn custody of their cat or whatever.
“You can’t just let someone else control your life! What are you thinking? You have to take control of a situation and make it yours.”
Then, it hit me.
I was letting Ryan control my life. I didn’t need him. In fact, I was much better off. Putting down my bowl of cheap noodles, I stood in front of the mirror that Julie had so oddly hung on the wall for decoration.
The hair had to change. Ryan loved my long, messy brown locks. Which meant I had to cut and dye it. That was the first step. I had to become everything Ryan wouldn’t want me to be. I had to change.
Grabbing my purse and pulling on my worn pair of Chucks, I headed out the door.
-
I left the hair salon and felt like a brand-new person, putting on my neon-pink sunglasses and walking outside. My phone vibrated angrily. I saw that I had six or seven missed calls. I answered a very angry Julie.
“WHERE ARE YOU?” she screamed, “Carey and I are worried!”
I shrugged, “I went out for a haircut. So what?”
“You left without a word!”
“Sorry, MOM,” I said, rolling my eyes, “Next time I’ll ask permission.”
Julie sighed, “I’m just happy to know you’re ok. Are you on your way back? I was thinking we could go to the game tonight, you know, see Carey start.”
I was about to reply when I passed a tattoo and piercing shop, “Um, sure. Be home in an hour.” I grinned. I always wanted snakebites, but Ryan said they were tacky.
Newsflash, Ryan: you don’t own me anymore.
Two hours later, with my lower lip aching and my head a little bit dippy, I walked into the Bell Centre, showed my pass and headed to the locker room. I saw Julia talking to Carey, who was on the ice in full gear, and I jumped out to grab her.
“BOO!”
She let out a satisfying scream and I laughed. Both of them looked at me like I was a crazy person. I then remembered my new look was one they hadn’t seen yet.
Carey blinked at me, “Anna...?”
I grinned, “What do you guys think?!”
Julie was speechless. Carey shrugged, “You look like Rainbow Brite if she got into a fight with a lawnmower.”
My hair was completely chopped off in short, razored layers, and each layer was a different colour. I had both sides of my lower lip pierced and they were still a bit swollen. I had to admit, I looked completely different. And I felt really giddy about it.
“Carey,” I slurred, “You have a nice caboose.”
“Oh kay, Annie, let’s go for a walk,” Julie gave Carey a quick kiss, “Come on...”
The Bell Centre looked warped. I shouldn’t have smoked up before coming in. Then again, the game would probably be a lot more fun...especially since we had close seats to the ice.
Have you ever had the urge to sing? I did as soon as the national anthem started playing. Only, it was a different song in my soul.
“I’m a little teapot, short and stout! Here is my handle, here is my spout!”
Jules looked at me, horrified, “Anna!”
I spotted Scott Gomez standing on the ice, “Scott Gomez...YOU SON OF A BITCH. I HATE YOU! DON’T MAKE ME COME DOWN THERE!”
Julie hit me, “Anna, shut up.”
I turned to her, “Do you wanna dance with me?”
“Anna, it’s the national anthem. No, I don’t want to dance with you.”
“Oh, well fine then. I’ll dance with myself. IMA DANCING WITH MYSELF, IMA DANCING WITH MYSELF- hey, there’s gum under my seat...”
“Can you not be quiet for the national anthem?”
I stuck the foreign gum in my mouth, “No, your mom is.”
“What the hell is wrong with you?” Julia hissed.
“Nothings is wrong. Can I have some money to go buy onion rings?”
She sighed, “Fine. But you have to eat them.”
“Wait! I can’t! I’m a vegetarian!”
Julia rolled her eyes and looked forward. I shoved her.
“Hey, hey Julie. Hey.”
“Hi...”
“Maxi’s over there,” I grinned, “I’m gonna flash him. Hey Max!” I lifted my shirt, showing my pink bra to the entire arena. Jules pulled my shirt down, grabbed my arm and pulled me out of the stands and into the hallway.
“You’ve embarrassed me enough,” Julia said quietly, “What is wrong with you?”
I smiled, “Did you watch American Idol last night? You’re my best friend. Can I have onion rings?”
Jules leaned forward and sniffed my jacket. I slapped her like a fly, “Don’t sniff me!”
Julia grabbed my face and turned my head from side to side. She grabbed my hand (hard, might I add) and pulled me outside. I looked around at the crazy-coloured sky. Everything is weird when you’re on pot. Especially if it’s your first time on it.
“Where did you get it?” she demanded.
“Huh?”
“Where did you get the drugs?”
I scoffed, “This...place. That van. The green one with the Jamaica flag. The guys in it were nice.”
“The one outside of the apartment?” Julia’s eyes grew wide, “Oh, my god...” She pulled out her phone, “I’m taking you home to sober up. You’re so lucky you didn’t get us arrested in there. It is a good thing the security guards know me.” She closed her cell. “There. Now Carey will know we’ve left.”
I reached into my pocket, “I’m going to have to get some more...”
Jules slapped me across the face, “No. I can deal with you dying your hair, but I cannot handle you having a drug addiction. I don’t even want to know what else you’re on.”
The party was most certainly over.
Julie was totally pregnant and I knew it before she came out of the bathroom to hug me and cry. I tried my best to comfort her, but in a way, it kind of felt unfair to me. I was the one who wanted to have a baby, to start a family, and here she was with Carey, both of them not wanting any such thing. It could ruin them.
Then again, not conceiving ruined Ryan and me.
I loved him. Of course I couldn’t stop. He could make me leave and even make me cry, but I still loved him. When I love, I love hard- I don’t give up easy. Even if I want to.
I spoke with Jules for awhile, and she decided to wait to tell Carey until they were alone. I somehow felt she meant until I was gone, but I didn’t say anything. My future was so uncertain. Then again, I sort of hoped they’d keep me- I could be a nanny to the kid. It would give me something to do.
Then maybe in some alternate universe I could learn how to get and stay pregnant and Ryan would love me again.
Thank god the record changed.
Dr. Phil always inspires me, and I am not ashamed to say that. It was the incredible Mr. McGraw himself, that day, that brought me to the conclusion I so desperately needed to hear. I was sitting on the floor with a bowl of ramen when he started yelling at the fat trailer park people who were arguing about who would earn custody of their cat or whatever.
“You can’t just let someone else control your life! What are you thinking? You have to take control of a situation and make it yours.”
Then, it hit me.
I was letting Ryan control my life. I didn’t need him. In fact, I was much better off. Putting down my bowl of cheap noodles, I stood in front of the mirror that Julie had so oddly hung on the wall for decoration.
The hair had to change. Ryan loved my long, messy brown locks. Which meant I had to cut and dye it. That was the first step. I had to become everything Ryan wouldn’t want me to be. I had to change.
Grabbing my purse and pulling on my worn pair of Chucks, I headed out the door.
-
I left the hair salon and felt like a brand-new person, putting on my neon-pink sunglasses and walking outside. My phone vibrated angrily. I saw that I had six or seven missed calls. I answered a very angry Julie.
“WHERE ARE YOU?” she screamed, “Carey and I are worried!”
I shrugged, “I went out for a haircut. So what?”
“You left without a word!”
“Sorry, MOM,” I said, rolling my eyes, “Next time I’ll ask permission.”
Julie sighed, “I’m just happy to know you’re ok. Are you on your way back? I was thinking we could go to the game tonight, you know, see Carey start.”
I was about to reply when I passed a tattoo and piercing shop, “Um, sure. Be home in an hour.” I grinned. I always wanted snakebites, but Ryan said they were tacky.
Newsflash, Ryan: you don’t own me anymore.
Two hours later, with my lower lip aching and my head a little bit dippy, I walked into the Bell Centre, showed my pass and headed to the locker room. I saw Julia talking to Carey, who was on the ice in full gear, and I jumped out to grab her.
“BOO!”
She let out a satisfying scream and I laughed. Both of them looked at me like I was a crazy person. I then remembered my new look was one they hadn’t seen yet.
Carey blinked at me, “Anna...?”
I grinned, “What do you guys think?!”
Julie was speechless. Carey shrugged, “You look like Rainbow Brite if she got into a fight with a lawnmower.”
My hair was completely chopped off in short, razored layers, and each layer was a different colour. I had both sides of my lower lip pierced and they were still a bit swollen. I had to admit, I looked completely different. And I felt really giddy about it.
“Carey,” I slurred, “You have a nice caboose.”
“Oh kay, Annie, let’s go for a walk,” Julie gave Carey a quick kiss, “Come on...”
The Bell Centre looked warped. I shouldn’t have smoked up before coming in. Then again, the game would probably be a lot more fun...especially since we had close seats to the ice.
Have you ever had the urge to sing? I did as soon as the national anthem started playing. Only, it was a different song in my soul.
“I’m a little teapot, short and stout! Here is my handle, here is my spout!”
Jules looked at me, horrified, “Anna!”
I spotted Scott Gomez standing on the ice, “Scott Gomez...YOU SON OF A BITCH. I HATE YOU! DON’T MAKE ME COME DOWN THERE!”
Julie hit me, “Anna, shut up.”
I turned to her, “Do you wanna dance with me?”
“Anna, it’s the national anthem. No, I don’t want to dance with you.”
“Oh, well fine then. I’ll dance with myself. IMA DANCING WITH MYSELF, IMA DANCING WITH MYSELF- hey, there’s gum under my seat...”
“Can you not be quiet for the national anthem?”
I stuck the foreign gum in my mouth, “No, your mom is.”
“What the hell is wrong with you?” Julia hissed.
“Nothings is wrong. Can I have some money to go buy onion rings?”
She sighed, “Fine. But you have to eat them.”
“Wait! I can’t! I’m a vegetarian!”
Julia rolled her eyes and looked forward. I shoved her.
“Hey, hey Julie. Hey.”
“Hi...”
“Maxi’s over there,” I grinned, “I’m gonna flash him. Hey Max!” I lifted my shirt, showing my pink bra to the entire arena. Jules pulled my shirt down, grabbed my arm and pulled me out of the stands and into the hallway.
“You’ve embarrassed me enough,” Julia said quietly, “What is wrong with you?”
I smiled, “Did you watch American Idol last night? You’re my best friend. Can I have onion rings?”
Jules leaned forward and sniffed my jacket. I slapped her like a fly, “Don’t sniff me!”
Julia grabbed my face and turned my head from side to side. She grabbed my hand (hard, might I add) and pulled me outside. I looked around at the crazy-coloured sky. Everything is weird when you’re on pot. Especially if it’s your first time on it.
“Where did you get it?” she demanded.
“Huh?”
“Where did you get the drugs?”
I scoffed, “This...place. That van. The green one with the Jamaica flag. The guys in it were nice.”
“The one outside of the apartment?” Julia’s eyes grew wide, “Oh, my god...” She pulled out her phone, “I’m taking you home to sober up. You’re so lucky you didn’t get us arrested in there. It is a good thing the security guards know me.” She closed her cell. “There. Now Carey will know we’ve left.”
I reached into my pocket, “I’m going to have to get some more...”
Jules slapped me across the face, “No. I can deal with you dying your hair, but I cannot handle you having a drug addiction. I don’t even want to know what else you’re on.”
The party was most certainly over.
six: nobody said it would be easy
Song: The Scientist, Coldplay
Anna had already woken up from passing out. I made sure she was alright, I think she was more overtired than anything. I gave her something to eat and she was out like a light back on the couch.
“It hasn’t even been a week and I’m already wiped because of this” I sighed leaning against the kitchen counter.
“I know”
“She loves him, but refuses to admit it”
“I just wish they could have a civilized conversation”
“It’s Anna, Carey…”
“Good point”
At that moment I felt sick to my stomach. I wrapped my arm around me and leaned forward slightly.
“You ok?” he asked.
“I think this stress is getting to me” I sighed, “I’m going to go to bed early”
I walked into my bedroom, this sickness feeling worse and worse. I changed to a pair of sweats and a t-shirt and threw my hair up into a ponytail. I went into the bathroom, took a look in the mirror and looked extremely pale. Then it hit me, I stood over the toilet, and well, it was not pretty.
After a few minutes I brushed my teeth a few times, crawled into bed and threw the covers over my head. I felt the bed dip down and the covers pull back, seeing Carey.
“You ok?”
“Not bad, I have a feeling this stress is getting to me, more than I thought it would”
He put his hand on my forehead and cheeks and just his touch gave me goosebumps. Even after all this time we’ve been together.
“You’re not warm” he replied, “just get some sleep, I’m sure you’ll be fine in the morning”
“I hope so” I sighed.
He just placed a gentle kiss on my lips and I immediately felt better, “thanks” I smirked.
“Go to sleep” he replied.
He shut off the light, closed the door slightly behind him and it was only a few minutes before I felt my eyelids get heavy and I fell asleep.
--
I woke up feeling that same sick stomach I had felt the previous night. I jumped out of bed and hugged the toilet for another few minutes. I brushed my teeth and felt slightly better. I went out into the living room to see Anna already up.
“You feeling better?” I asked her.
“Other than a broken heart, I’ll be fine”
“I’m sorry sweetie. From what I witnessed he’s not worth it”
“Yah, I figured. But how are you? I heard you last night, didn’t sound good this morning either”
“I’m not too bad, I’m just a bit stressed out”
“You sure that’s all it is Jules?” she asked.
“Why, what else would it be?”
“When was the last time you had your period?”
I thought back but couldn’t come up with an answer.
“If you have to think back that far, it can only be one thing”
“I can’t be…”
“What else would it be Jules?”
“Carey can’t do this right now, his career is just--”
“Don’t start with that, I don’t want you guys to end up like Ryan and I just because of his career. Just take a test, and then tell him…”
“Fine, I will go to the drug store later, while Carey is at practice…”
“Good girl”
Anna still has her personality that’s for sure. I made breakfast, but didn’t eat much. I was careful until I knew if I really could be pregnant. I watched as Carey left for practice and took a quick shower before leaving for the drug store. One test could change my entire life.
I sat on the edge of the bathtub, staring at the test, waiting to see the result. I was terrified to be honest, I just had no idea how Carey would react if this ended up positive. My mind raced with all these possibilities, while I prayed that it was negative. I just couldn’t deal with a pregnancy right now.
I heard it finish and I hesitated before looking. Dashing my hopes, it ended up positive. Now I had to figure out when and how to tell Carey, and hope this all ends well.
Anna had already woken up from passing out. I made sure she was alright, I think she was more overtired than anything. I gave her something to eat and she was out like a light back on the couch.
“It hasn’t even been a week and I’m already wiped because of this” I sighed leaning against the kitchen counter.
“I know”
“She loves him, but refuses to admit it”
“I just wish they could have a civilized conversation”
“It’s Anna, Carey…”
“Good point”
At that moment I felt sick to my stomach. I wrapped my arm around me and leaned forward slightly.
“You ok?” he asked.
“I think this stress is getting to me” I sighed, “I’m going to go to bed early”
I walked into my bedroom, this sickness feeling worse and worse. I changed to a pair of sweats and a t-shirt and threw my hair up into a ponytail. I went into the bathroom, took a look in the mirror and looked extremely pale. Then it hit me, I stood over the toilet, and well, it was not pretty.
After a few minutes I brushed my teeth a few times, crawled into bed and threw the covers over my head. I felt the bed dip down and the covers pull back, seeing Carey.
“You ok?”
“Not bad, I have a feeling this stress is getting to me, more than I thought it would”
He put his hand on my forehead and cheeks and just his touch gave me goosebumps. Even after all this time we’ve been together.
“You’re not warm” he replied, “just get some sleep, I’m sure you’ll be fine in the morning”
“I hope so” I sighed.
He just placed a gentle kiss on my lips and I immediately felt better, “thanks” I smirked.
“Go to sleep” he replied.
He shut off the light, closed the door slightly behind him and it was only a few minutes before I felt my eyelids get heavy and I fell asleep.
--
I woke up feeling that same sick stomach I had felt the previous night. I jumped out of bed and hugged the toilet for another few minutes. I brushed my teeth and felt slightly better. I went out into the living room to see Anna already up.
“You feeling better?” I asked her.
“Other than a broken heart, I’ll be fine”
“I’m sorry sweetie. From what I witnessed he’s not worth it”
“Yah, I figured. But how are you? I heard you last night, didn’t sound good this morning either”
“I’m not too bad, I’m just a bit stressed out”
“You sure that’s all it is Jules?” she asked.
“Why, what else would it be?”
“When was the last time you had your period?”
I thought back but couldn’t come up with an answer.
“If you have to think back that far, it can only be one thing”
“I can’t be…”
“What else would it be Jules?”
“Carey can’t do this right now, his career is just--”
“Don’t start with that, I don’t want you guys to end up like Ryan and I just because of his career. Just take a test, and then tell him…”
“Fine, I will go to the drug store later, while Carey is at practice…”
“Good girl”
Anna still has her personality that’s for sure. I made breakfast, but didn’t eat much. I was careful until I knew if I really could be pregnant. I watched as Carey left for practice and took a quick shower before leaving for the drug store. One test could change my entire life.
I sat on the edge of the bathtub, staring at the test, waiting to see the result. I was terrified to be honest, I just had no idea how Carey would react if this ended up positive. My mind raced with all these possibilities, while I prayed that it was negative. I just couldn’t deal with a pregnancy right now.
I heard it finish and I hesitated before looking. Dashing my hopes, it ended up positive. Now I had to figure out when and how to tell Carey, and hope this all ends well.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
five: where are you now?
song: the mixed tape by jack’s mannequin
Anna’s POV
Every time I drink, death comes upon me the next day. Today was no exception. I moaned and groaned my way to the Montreal market, a normally beautiful sunny place. On this day it was painful and disturbing. Sunlight is the hungover girl’s worst nightmare.
“...so I don’t think we should bother with the red peppers, because Carey likes green,” Julie was saying as I squinted at what looked like a kumquat, “Ok?”
“What? Yeah, sure.” God, this was boring. I wanted to go home and sleep, crawl into that warm space between Ryan’s arm and my pillow- stop. Buffalo was not my home anymore.
“I’m a gypsy.”
Julie frowned at me, “Come again?”
“Can I get a trailer? We could paint it purple and put stars on the ceiling. It’ll complete the look.”
“Anna, you’re fucked up.”
“I know, but can I?”
“No.”
I pouted. She was no fun.
“If I had just one long gypsy skirt-”
“Anna, shut up.”
“Ok.”
I sighed and wandered over to a display of sheep’s wool. Sickly, I wondered what Ryan was doing. He was probably heading to practice, then home to sleep before the game. They were playing the Leafs tonight. Lots of fights would be have, probably even some fighting from Ryan. He hated the Leafs.
Shut up, brain. Stop thinking about him. He’s ancient history. You don’t love him anymore.
My thoughts were broken by Julia’s sudden exclamation, “Scott!”
Hmm, last I checked, that wasn’t my name.
I turned around to see her hugging someone much taller than her. Then again, a lot of people were taller than Jules, but that’s beside the point. As soon as she let go of the stranger, I recognized him instantly.
Scott Gomez. That New York Ranger. He was a Hab now, right? My god.
“Annie, come over here for a minute, I’d like you to meet someone!” Julie said brightly.
I clenched my fists and walked over.
“This is Scott-”
“I know who he is,” I said darkly, “Oh, I know...”
Scott frowned, “Have we met?”
“February 21st, 2008,” I sneered, “Do you remember what happened that night?”
Julie touched my arm, “Anna, what are you-”
“You ruined every hope he had! It was intentional. Lindy said so. You scumbag. How can you look at yourself in the morning? You should be ashamed. I’m glad they traded you. Good for the Rangers. They don’t want your type on their team.”
Julia jerked me back as people in the market started looking, “Oh my god, Anna, we’re leaving.”
“You shattered his playoffs hopes!” I screamed, “I watched him anguish for a week! It took a good month before he even tried skating again! You took it from him, his only passion! I hate you, Scott Gomez! I fucking HATE YOU!” At this point Julie was practically wrestling me to the ground, “I hate you, Scott Gomez! I hate you! I hate you!”
I burst into tears and buried my face into Jules’ shoulder, “I hate you, I hate you...I love you, Ryan Miller...I love you...”
She reluctantly held on to me for a minute before pulling me up. I was red-faced and angry, tears of hurt streaming down my face. My friend gave me the saddest look I had ever seen.
“We need to call him, sweetie,” she said quietly, “Come on. Let’s go home.”
I did not disagree.
-
My shaky hands dialed the number on Julia’s phone. We were back at the apartment. Carey was sitting on the couch, not impressed by the scene I caused at the market. Julia had told him, since we’d gotten back so weirdly early. It was embarrassing to say the least, but shit happens, I guess.
Jules hit speakerphone. She wanted us all to hear him, to speak with him. I was scared.
A few rings in and I heard his voice, “Hello?”
“Ryan...it’s Julia.”
His tone changed, “Oh...hi.”
“We have a situation.”
“If it has anything to do with Anna I don’t have time for it.”
Julie pressed, “It’s really important, Ryan.”
He sighed, “Fine. What’s going on.”
“She’s insane.”
Ouch, that’s a bit much.
“Ha, I knew that. Anyone who has an affair with Drew Stafford has to be.”
“Ryan, she didn’t have an affair,” Jules argued, “A kiss is far from an affair.”
“You don’t know the full story,” he replied, “Regardless, what Anna and I had no longer exists, and I want nothin to do with her. She left and I cannot do anything about it.”
“You have to take her back!” Carey suddenly exclaimed, “She’s driving me crazy!”
Julia shot him a look, “Carey, shut up!”
He softened, “Sorry babe, but it’s true...”
“She ran to you guys, then...” Ryan said tiredly.
“Of course I did,” I said, “They’re all I have left.”
“Yeah, because you push everyone else away.”
“OK,” Julia cut in, “Guys, I don’t think this can be settled over the phone...”
Ryan huffed, “I am not driving to Montreal to see my ex girlfriend, who is clearly so fucking mental she can’t handle herself. I have a game to practice for.”
A felt my temper flair, “You’re fucking mental, Ryan! All you care about is your stupid game!”
He shouted back, “All you care about is yourself!”
Carey sighed, “I feel like I’m in the middle of a soap opera...”
Jules nodded, “Tell me about it.”
Ryan scoffed, “Whatever. Anna, go run to your new boytoy, whatshisname, Lapierre, for support. I am done dealing with this.”
I felt my blood run cold, “I am not dating Lapierre...”
Julie looked nervous, “How did you find out about Lapierre?”
“Nhl.com,” Ryan said dryly, “Cell phone pictures are so very flattering. The press conference will be hell today, that’s for sure.”
Julie looked at me, “You took pictures with your phone, Anna?”
I shook my head, “I didn’t! Someone at the bar must have submitted them to the NHL. Oh my god...I’m mortified.”
Carey said something I wasn’t expecting, “Ryan, you’re such an ass.”
“You wouldn’t be saying that if you knew what she was really like.”
Carey rolled his eyes, “I’m pretty sure I’ve seen her at her worst, and I’m certain you’d be an ass otherwise.”
The line went quiet for a moment. I chewed my lip, waiting for his response. I was so filled with hurt I had no idea what to do. Finally, he spoke.
“I don’t care if I win five Stanley Cups...all I wanted was to start a family with you, Annie. I loved you. But you didn’t want that. We tried for a year and then you gave up.”
I felt the eyes of Jules and Carey on me, “You guys...really?”
I looked down, “I miscarried twice. They were both boys. We had the names and everything. It was awful.”
“Holy shit,” was all Carey could say. Jules was silent.
“Everything just went after that,” Ryan said quietly, “The love...it just faded away. Nothing. Empty.”
And then we heard a foreign voice in the background. A high-pitched woman’s voice. A voice none of us had ever heard before. I felt myself feeling sicker.
“You ass...” Julie said angrily, “You move on fast.”
I stood up and turned off the speakerphone, grabbing the phone itself and screamed, “GO FUCK YOURSELF!” With all my strength I hurled it across the room. It shattered.
Carey and Julie just stood there, staring at me. I breathed heavily, my anger seething.
“I’m sorry I broke your phone, Carey...” I said slowly, “I’ll buy you a new one.”
From there, everything went black. I had passed out.
Anna’s POV
Every time I drink, death comes upon me the next day. Today was no exception. I moaned and groaned my way to the Montreal market, a normally beautiful sunny place. On this day it was painful and disturbing. Sunlight is the hungover girl’s worst nightmare.
“...so I don’t think we should bother with the red peppers, because Carey likes green,” Julie was saying as I squinted at what looked like a kumquat, “Ok?”
“What? Yeah, sure.” God, this was boring. I wanted to go home and sleep, crawl into that warm space between Ryan’s arm and my pillow- stop. Buffalo was not my home anymore.
“I’m a gypsy.”
Julie frowned at me, “Come again?”
“Can I get a trailer? We could paint it purple and put stars on the ceiling. It’ll complete the look.”
“Anna, you’re fucked up.”
“I know, but can I?”
“No.”
I pouted. She was no fun.
“If I had just one long gypsy skirt-”
“Anna, shut up.”
“Ok.”
I sighed and wandered over to a display of sheep’s wool. Sickly, I wondered what Ryan was doing. He was probably heading to practice, then home to sleep before the game. They were playing the Leafs tonight. Lots of fights would be have, probably even some fighting from Ryan. He hated the Leafs.
Shut up, brain. Stop thinking about him. He’s ancient history. You don’t love him anymore.
My thoughts were broken by Julia’s sudden exclamation, “Scott!”
Hmm, last I checked, that wasn’t my name.
I turned around to see her hugging someone much taller than her. Then again, a lot of people were taller than Jules, but that’s beside the point. As soon as she let go of the stranger, I recognized him instantly.
Scott Gomez. That New York Ranger. He was a Hab now, right? My god.
“Annie, come over here for a minute, I’d like you to meet someone!” Julie said brightly.
I clenched my fists and walked over.
“This is Scott-”
“I know who he is,” I said darkly, “Oh, I know...”
Scott frowned, “Have we met?”
“February 21st, 2008,” I sneered, “Do you remember what happened that night?”
Julie touched my arm, “Anna, what are you-”
“You ruined every hope he had! It was intentional. Lindy said so. You scumbag. How can you look at yourself in the morning? You should be ashamed. I’m glad they traded you. Good for the Rangers. They don’t want your type on their team.”
Julia jerked me back as people in the market started looking, “Oh my god, Anna, we’re leaving.”
“You shattered his playoffs hopes!” I screamed, “I watched him anguish for a week! It took a good month before he even tried skating again! You took it from him, his only passion! I hate you, Scott Gomez! I fucking HATE YOU!” At this point Julie was practically wrestling me to the ground, “I hate you, Scott Gomez! I hate you! I hate you!”
I burst into tears and buried my face into Jules’ shoulder, “I hate you, I hate you...I love you, Ryan Miller...I love you...”
She reluctantly held on to me for a minute before pulling me up. I was red-faced and angry, tears of hurt streaming down my face. My friend gave me the saddest look I had ever seen.
“We need to call him, sweetie,” she said quietly, “Come on. Let’s go home.”
I did not disagree.
-
My shaky hands dialed the number on Julia’s phone. We were back at the apartment. Carey was sitting on the couch, not impressed by the scene I caused at the market. Julia had told him, since we’d gotten back so weirdly early. It was embarrassing to say the least, but shit happens, I guess.
Jules hit speakerphone. She wanted us all to hear him, to speak with him. I was scared.
A few rings in and I heard his voice, “Hello?”
“Ryan...it’s Julia.”
His tone changed, “Oh...hi.”
“We have a situation.”
“If it has anything to do with Anna I don’t have time for it.”
Julie pressed, “It’s really important, Ryan.”
He sighed, “Fine. What’s going on.”
“She’s insane.”
Ouch, that’s a bit much.
“Ha, I knew that. Anyone who has an affair with Drew Stafford has to be.”
“Ryan, she didn’t have an affair,” Jules argued, “A kiss is far from an affair.”
“You don’t know the full story,” he replied, “Regardless, what Anna and I had no longer exists, and I want nothin to do with her. She left and I cannot do anything about it.”
“You have to take her back!” Carey suddenly exclaimed, “She’s driving me crazy!”
Julia shot him a look, “Carey, shut up!”
He softened, “Sorry babe, but it’s true...”
“She ran to you guys, then...” Ryan said tiredly.
“Of course I did,” I said, “They’re all I have left.”
“Yeah, because you push everyone else away.”
“OK,” Julia cut in, “Guys, I don’t think this can be settled over the phone...”
Ryan huffed, “I am not driving to Montreal to see my ex girlfriend, who is clearly so fucking mental she can’t handle herself. I have a game to practice for.”
A felt my temper flair, “You’re fucking mental, Ryan! All you care about is your stupid game!”
He shouted back, “All you care about is yourself!”
Carey sighed, “I feel like I’m in the middle of a soap opera...”
Jules nodded, “Tell me about it.”
Ryan scoffed, “Whatever. Anna, go run to your new boytoy, whatshisname, Lapierre, for support. I am done dealing with this.”
I felt my blood run cold, “I am not dating Lapierre...”
Julie looked nervous, “How did you find out about Lapierre?”
“Nhl.com,” Ryan said dryly, “Cell phone pictures are so very flattering. The press conference will be hell today, that’s for sure.”
Julie looked at me, “You took pictures with your phone, Anna?”
I shook my head, “I didn’t! Someone at the bar must have submitted them to the NHL. Oh my god...I’m mortified.”
Carey said something I wasn’t expecting, “Ryan, you’re such an ass.”
“You wouldn’t be saying that if you knew what she was really like.”
Carey rolled his eyes, “I’m pretty sure I’ve seen her at her worst, and I’m certain you’d be an ass otherwise.”
The line went quiet for a moment. I chewed my lip, waiting for his response. I was so filled with hurt I had no idea what to do. Finally, he spoke.
“I don’t care if I win five Stanley Cups...all I wanted was to start a family with you, Annie. I loved you. But you didn’t want that. We tried for a year and then you gave up.”
I felt the eyes of Jules and Carey on me, “You guys...really?”
I looked down, “I miscarried twice. They were both boys. We had the names and everything. It was awful.”
“Holy shit,” was all Carey could say. Jules was silent.
“Everything just went after that,” Ryan said quietly, “The love...it just faded away. Nothing. Empty.”
And then we heard a foreign voice in the background. A high-pitched woman’s voice. A voice none of us had ever heard before. I felt myself feeling sicker.
“You ass...” Julie said angrily, “You move on fast.”
I stood up and turned off the speakerphone, grabbing the phone itself and screamed, “GO FUCK YOURSELF!” With all my strength I hurled it across the room. It shattered.
Carey and Julie just stood there, staring at me. I breathed heavily, my anger seething.
“I’m sorry I broke your phone, Carey...” I said slowly, “I’ll buy you a new one.”
From there, everything went black. I had passed out.
four : i know i won't be leaving here with you;
song: Take me Out, Franz Ferdinand
*Julie's POV*
We left for a small restaurant just outside the city. Carey’s a private guy, he likes to keep a low profile, especially when Anna’s around. We don’t need a scene.
The dinner went fine, which surprised me. Anna kept her composure. She was polite, she wasn’t making stupid remarks. I didn’t understand this girl, and I’ve known her for almost our whole lives. She was always a free spirit.
We got to a small club for a few drinks, dancing, you know to let loose a little. Anna needed that, I just hope she didn’t let loose too much.
We met up with a few of Carey’s fellow teammates. Lapierre, Gorges, and the Kostitsyn brothers were around too. Anna was not long getting to the bar. I did my best to keep an eye on her, but Carey stole me away for a few drinks and I got a little caught up in him before remembering about Anna.
“Shit, where’s Anna?”
“I‘m sure she‘s fine”
“You’ve never seen her when she drinks”
“How bad can it be?”
I stood up searching around the bar when I saw an unprecedented sight. Anna, on a table, hammered out of her mind, people surrounding her cheering. We stood and watched for a moment in shock. She got down and sat on the edge of the table, while Lapi immediately showed up at her side and their lips locked immediately.
“Are you seeing what I’m seeing?” I asked as Carey stood beside me. I didn’t hear a response and I looked over at him to see his mouth wide open in shock. I stepped in front of him, practically having to shut his mouth for him, “are you not going to do anything!?” I asked.
“Oh, yah, right” he said walking up to them while I followed quickly behind.
“Anna?” I said. It’s as if she never heard me and kept her lips locked to Max’s, “Anna!” I said grabbing one of her free arms and forcefully pulling her behind me and away from Max.
“Wow, you’re hot when you’re mad”
“Carey” I glared at him.
“Sorry”
“Hey!” she exclaimed.
“I think it’s time to go sweetie” I said sweetly.
“But I want to stay with Max” she slurred trying to move closer to him. I pulled her back and Carey stood in front of Max as he put his hands up in defence.
“Dude, she came on to me”
“Let’s just not let it happen again, alright?” Carey said.
“Um, Carey?” Anna was had already passed out and I was just barely holding her up.
“She’s barely awake” I said as he quickly came to my side and picked her up wedding style and out the door.
“I can’t believe she did this” he mumbled.
“I’m just as unhappy about it as you are” I sighed, “let’s just get her home”
We got to the car and I sat in the backseat as her head laid on my lap. I felt her shift and heard her groan.
“I don’t feel so good” she said wrapping her arm around her stomach.
“Seriously, if you throw up in my car--”
“Carey, can you just please drive” I snapped.
He just mumbled something to himself as he turned his head back and kept his eyes on the road, occasionally glancing in the rear-view mirror and just smiling at me.
“Watch the road” I smirked.
“Where’s Max?” I heard Anna mumble from below me.
“He’s gone Annie, we’re going home now”
“To see Ryan?”
I just looked up at Carey who had a look of shock on his face and then looked back down at Anna, “uh no sweetie…you’re not with Ryan anymore”
“Oh…I knew that” she replied, “I’m going to sleep now” she said.
She was out like a light when we got back to the apartment. Carey carried her into the apartment building and up the stairs, lightly setting her down on the couch and putting a blanket over her.
We both just sighed in unison as we collapsed on the bed.
“We’re in for a wonderful couple of weeks aren’t we?” he sighed.
“I know you’re not fond of her Carey, but do this for me please?”
“Only for you” he sighed.
“Thank you” I said as I gently kissed his lips.
--
“Holy Shit!” I heard from the other room, causing me to jump out of bed to see what happened. I slowly opened the door and went out into the living room to see Anna with her head in her hands sitting on the couch.
“You ok?”
“My head…holy hell my head”
I went to the kitchen and pulled a bottle of aspirin from the pantry and filled a glass of water up for her. I quickly made my way back to the living room and handed both to her.
“Thanks” she sighed.
“Do you remember anything that happened last night?”
“Not really…”
“Well, you danced on a table and made out with Max Lapierre…oh and you talked about Ryan on the way back…”
“Good or bad?”
“You thought you guys were still together”
“Holy shit I really must have been hammered” she said lying her head back.
“You were” I nodded.
“I’m sorry I put you through that”
“You almost threw up in my car!” I heard Carey yell from the other room.
“Carey…shut up!” I snapped.
“Did I really?” she asked.
I just nodded and she tossed a Aspirin in her mouth and chugged back the glass of water. I don’t think she was proud of herself. I didn’t blame her, but I know she has been through a lot in the past couple days.
“I am so sorry Julie. Really”
“Just relax, feel better”
I went back into the bedroom and Carey was sitting on the edge of the bed. I just sat beside him and smacked him.
“Ow, what was that for?” he whined.
“You can’t keep quiet when I’m talking to her, she feels bad enough”
“Sorry”
I just sighed, “it’s ok, I just hope one of these next few days I can get a hold of Ryan, he was the only thing that kept her together. She needs him more than she realizes”
*Julie's POV*
We left for a small restaurant just outside the city. Carey’s a private guy, he likes to keep a low profile, especially when Anna’s around. We don’t need a scene.
The dinner went fine, which surprised me. Anna kept her composure. She was polite, she wasn’t making stupid remarks. I didn’t understand this girl, and I’ve known her for almost our whole lives. She was always a free spirit.
We got to a small club for a few drinks, dancing, you know to let loose a little. Anna needed that, I just hope she didn’t let loose too much.
We met up with a few of Carey’s fellow teammates. Lapierre, Gorges, and the Kostitsyn brothers were around too. Anna was not long getting to the bar. I did my best to keep an eye on her, but Carey stole me away for a few drinks and I got a little caught up in him before remembering about Anna.
“Shit, where’s Anna?”
“I‘m sure she‘s fine”
“You’ve never seen her when she drinks”
“How bad can it be?”
I stood up searching around the bar when I saw an unprecedented sight. Anna, on a table, hammered out of her mind, people surrounding her cheering. We stood and watched for a moment in shock. She got down and sat on the edge of the table, while Lapi immediately showed up at her side and their lips locked immediately.
“Are you seeing what I’m seeing?” I asked as Carey stood beside me. I didn’t hear a response and I looked over at him to see his mouth wide open in shock. I stepped in front of him, practically having to shut his mouth for him, “are you not going to do anything!?” I asked.
“Oh, yah, right” he said walking up to them while I followed quickly behind.
“Anna?” I said. It’s as if she never heard me and kept her lips locked to Max’s, “Anna!” I said grabbing one of her free arms and forcefully pulling her behind me and away from Max.
“Wow, you’re hot when you’re mad”
“Carey” I glared at him.
“Sorry”
“Hey!” she exclaimed.
“I think it’s time to go sweetie” I said sweetly.
“But I want to stay with Max” she slurred trying to move closer to him. I pulled her back and Carey stood in front of Max as he put his hands up in defence.
“Dude, she came on to me”
“Let’s just not let it happen again, alright?” Carey said.
“Um, Carey?” Anna was had already passed out and I was just barely holding her up.
“She’s barely awake” I said as he quickly came to my side and picked her up wedding style and out the door.
“I can’t believe she did this” he mumbled.
“I’m just as unhappy about it as you are” I sighed, “let’s just get her home”
We got to the car and I sat in the backseat as her head laid on my lap. I felt her shift and heard her groan.
“I don’t feel so good” she said wrapping her arm around her stomach.
“Seriously, if you throw up in my car--”
“Carey, can you just please drive” I snapped.
He just mumbled something to himself as he turned his head back and kept his eyes on the road, occasionally glancing in the rear-view mirror and just smiling at me.
“Watch the road” I smirked.
“Where’s Max?” I heard Anna mumble from below me.
“He’s gone Annie, we’re going home now”
“To see Ryan?”
I just looked up at Carey who had a look of shock on his face and then looked back down at Anna, “uh no sweetie…you’re not with Ryan anymore”
“Oh…I knew that” she replied, “I’m going to sleep now” she said.
She was out like a light when we got back to the apartment. Carey carried her into the apartment building and up the stairs, lightly setting her down on the couch and putting a blanket over her.
We both just sighed in unison as we collapsed on the bed.
“We’re in for a wonderful couple of weeks aren’t we?” he sighed.
“I know you’re not fond of her Carey, but do this for me please?”
“Only for you” he sighed.
“Thank you” I said as I gently kissed his lips.
--
“Holy Shit!” I heard from the other room, causing me to jump out of bed to see what happened. I slowly opened the door and went out into the living room to see Anna with her head in her hands sitting on the couch.
“You ok?”
“My head…holy hell my head”
I went to the kitchen and pulled a bottle of aspirin from the pantry and filled a glass of water up for her. I quickly made my way back to the living room and handed both to her.
“Thanks” she sighed.
“Do you remember anything that happened last night?”
“Not really…”
“Well, you danced on a table and made out with Max Lapierre…oh and you talked about Ryan on the way back…”
“Good or bad?”
“You thought you guys were still together”
“Holy shit I really must have been hammered” she said lying her head back.
“You were” I nodded.
“I’m sorry I put you through that”
“You almost threw up in my car!” I heard Carey yell from the other room.
“Carey…shut up!” I snapped.
“Did I really?” she asked.
I just nodded and she tossed a Aspirin in her mouth and chugged back the glass of water. I don’t think she was proud of herself. I didn’t blame her, but I know she has been through a lot in the past couple days.
“I am so sorry Julie. Really”
“Just relax, feel better”
I went back into the bedroom and Carey was sitting on the edge of the bed. I just sat beside him and smacked him.
“Ow, what was that for?” he whined.
“You can’t keep quiet when I’m talking to her, she feels bad enough”
“Sorry”
I just sighed, “it’s ok, I just hope one of these next few days I can get a hold of Ryan, he was the only thing that kept her together. She needs him more than she realizes”
three: decisions are made and not fought
song: kids by mgmt
POV: Anna
It was a long haul to Montreal. I was surprised I actually made it, given that I had to take a train, go on a ferry, take another train and eventually a taxi. As I arrived outside of Carey and Julie’s apartment, I felt a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. I was finally out of Buffalo.
Within two minutes, Julie opened the front door to the apartment building and pulled me into a hug, “Annnnnaaaaa....how are you dear?”
I hugged her back, “Oh, I’ve been better.”
“I bet,” Carey said, taking my suitcase, “Alright, let’s get this over with.”
“CAREY.” Julie said warningly.
“I don’t mind, really,” I told her, knowing Carey wasn’t too fond of me, “It’s cool.”
“It’s not cool. You’ve been through a tough time.” Julia said, leading me up the stairs.
“What exactly happened, anyway?” Carey asked as we reached the apartment.
I sighed, “It doesn’t matter. Ryan just doesn’t love me anymore.”
“Come on, Anna...”
“It’s true. I am not waiting for him anymore.”
Carey carried my bag into the living room and set it by the couch, “Ok, we don’t have a spare bedroom, so you’ll be sleeping out here. Julie has some extra blankets and pillows for you.”
“That’s great, thanks,” I replied, “This means alot, you guys...”
Carey waited until Julia was out of earshot, “So, you’ll only be staying for, like, a week...right?”
I threw myself on the couch, “Oh shit...this thing is so comfortable...”
“Because...Julia and I...we have, you know...plans and things...”
I perked up, “Oh yeah, that’s totally cool. It’s all good. I can, you know, sit out here and watch pay per view, eat some Zoodles...ignore the noise.” I snickered at the last bit as Carey turned red.
“Anna, stop scaring him,” Julia warned, placing my blankets on the floor by the couch, “And, just so you know, we have a few rules in this house.”
I flipped backwards on the couch, “Heh, I can almost touch my butt with my nose.”
Carey rolled his eyes and walked out.
“I love you and all, but you can’t be very...how you say...explicit around Carey. It frightens him.”
I sat up, “Ok. I can deal with that.”
“And no payper view.”
“WHAT?”
“Seriously. And last rule of the house: no bringing boys home.”
I crossed my arms, “Julia. I would never bring a guy back here.”
“Good to know,” Julie gave me a quick hug, “And remember, if you need anything, I’m always closeby.”
I smiled, “Thank you, so much.”
“Jule baby, can we talk for a minute?” Carey asked, grabbing her by the wrist, “In private?”
“Um, sure...” Julia was led away by Carey. I decided to dig through my suitcase and pull out my yoga mat. It was time for me to become a flying seahorse.
-
“Our love life is ruined.”
“Carey, it is not. She’s not going to be that bad.”
“Are you kidding me? Do you even know who you’re dealing with here?”
“She’s going to buy payper view. And eat Zoodles.”
“Look, it won’t be that bad. She just needs some time away, to figure things out. She’ll find a job and a place in no time. Don’t worry.”
“Are you sure we shouldn’t just call Ryan and beg him to take her back?”
“No, we cannot.”
“Fine then. I’ll put an ad in the paper and if no one comes to claim her, we’ll put her down. Or take her to the pound.”
“Carey, that’s not funny.”
“I was semi-serious.”
“She needs us right now.”
“She needs ritalin.”
“Ok, listen, if things get too crazy around here...we’ll give Ryan a call. Find out his side of the story. There’s got to be some kind of love left in him. They were together for, like, three years.”
“THANK YOU.”
“But first, I think we should take her out for some dinner. You know, give her a good time. Help her let loose a little, you know?”
“I’m not going to Chuck E. Cheese.”
“That was only once, and she was drunk.”
After listening in on their conversation, I decided to open their bedroom door.
“Great! I’ll freshen up and we can go out for some chow!”
Carey looked at me like I was insane, “Um, this was a private conversation, you know.”
“Yeah, it was. But I’m so glad you’re taking me out. I need to forget about Ryan and move on with my life.” I said with a grin.
Julie forced a smile for Carey, “She’s right. Let’s unpack your suitcase, Anna.”
Out for a night with the Pricey Pair. Sounded like dinner and a show.
POV: Anna
It was a long haul to Montreal. I was surprised I actually made it, given that I had to take a train, go on a ferry, take another train and eventually a taxi. As I arrived outside of Carey and Julie’s apartment, I felt a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. I was finally out of Buffalo.
Within two minutes, Julie opened the front door to the apartment building and pulled me into a hug, “Annnnnaaaaa....how are you dear?”
I hugged her back, “Oh, I’ve been better.”
“I bet,” Carey said, taking my suitcase, “Alright, let’s get this over with.”
“CAREY.” Julie said warningly.
“I don’t mind, really,” I told her, knowing Carey wasn’t too fond of me, “It’s cool.”
“It’s not cool. You’ve been through a tough time.” Julia said, leading me up the stairs.
“What exactly happened, anyway?” Carey asked as we reached the apartment.
I sighed, “It doesn’t matter. Ryan just doesn’t love me anymore.”
“Come on, Anna...”
“It’s true. I am not waiting for him anymore.”
Carey carried my bag into the living room and set it by the couch, “Ok, we don’t have a spare bedroom, so you’ll be sleeping out here. Julie has some extra blankets and pillows for you.”
“That’s great, thanks,” I replied, “This means alot, you guys...”
Carey waited until Julia was out of earshot, “So, you’ll only be staying for, like, a week...right?”
I threw myself on the couch, “Oh shit...this thing is so comfortable...”
“Because...Julia and I...we have, you know...plans and things...”
I perked up, “Oh yeah, that’s totally cool. It’s all good. I can, you know, sit out here and watch pay per view, eat some Zoodles...ignore the noise.” I snickered at the last bit as Carey turned red.
“Anna, stop scaring him,” Julia warned, placing my blankets on the floor by the couch, “And, just so you know, we have a few rules in this house.”
I flipped backwards on the couch, “Heh, I can almost touch my butt with my nose.”
Carey rolled his eyes and walked out.
“I love you and all, but you can’t be very...how you say...explicit around Carey. It frightens him.”
I sat up, “Ok. I can deal with that.”
“And no payper view.”
“WHAT?”
“Seriously. And last rule of the house: no bringing boys home.”
I crossed my arms, “Julia. I would never bring a guy back here.”
“Good to know,” Julie gave me a quick hug, “And remember, if you need anything, I’m always closeby.”
I smiled, “Thank you, so much.”
“Jule baby, can we talk for a minute?” Carey asked, grabbing her by the wrist, “In private?”
“Um, sure...” Julia was led away by Carey. I decided to dig through my suitcase and pull out my yoga mat. It was time for me to become a flying seahorse.
-
“Our love life is ruined.”
“Carey, it is not. She’s not going to be that bad.”
“Are you kidding me? Do you even know who you’re dealing with here?”
“She’s going to buy payper view. And eat Zoodles.”
“Look, it won’t be that bad. She just needs some time away, to figure things out. She’ll find a job and a place in no time. Don’t worry.”
“Are you sure we shouldn’t just call Ryan and beg him to take her back?”
“No, we cannot.”
“Fine then. I’ll put an ad in the paper and if no one comes to claim her, we’ll put her down. Or take her to the pound.”
“Carey, that’s not funny.”
“I was semi-serious.”
“She needs us right now.”
“She needs ritalin.”
“Ok, listen, if things get too crazy around here...we’ll give Ryan a call. Find out his side of the story. There’s got to be some kind of love left in him. They were together for, like, three years.”
“THANK YOU.”
“But first, I think we should take her out for some dinner. You know, give her a good time. Help her let loose a little, you know?”
“I’m not going to Chuck E. Cheese.”
“That was only once, and she was drunk.”
After listening in on their conversation, I decided to open their bedroom door.
“Great! I’ll freshen up and we can go out for some chow!”
Carey looked at me like I was insane, “Um, this was a private conversation, you know.”
“Yeah, it was. But I’m so glad you’re taking me out. I need to forget about Ryan and move on with my life.” I said with a grin.
Julie forced a smile for Carey, “She’s right. Let’s unpack your suitcase, Anna.”
Out for a night with the Pricey Pair. Sounded like dinner and a show.
two : you're so good at love;
*This is actually Julia. Just so you're aware :)*
Song: From Friends to Lovers, Michou
*Julie's POV*
I was scrambling to get ready for work while Carey watched me run back and forth between rooms. I just heard him laugh, I was like a chicken with my head cut off.
“You need to relax” he laughed.
“I’m going to be late”
“You have two hours Jules”
“Yes, but traffic and--” the sound of my phone ringing cut me off. Anna.
Anna was my best friend, and when I heard what had happened between her and Ryan, I was heartbroken. They always seemed happy, they were great together. I just don’t know where all of it could have went wrong.
“So what happened?” I asked turning it to speaker phone so Carey could hear too.
“A lot” she sighed, “I left”
“So you have nowhere to stay?”
“Nowhere. Can I stay with you guys maybe?”
I just looked at Carey who kept shaking his head “no”. I didn’t have the heart to say it. He liked Anna, but I don’t think he liked the idea of someone else staying in our house, plus, he knows how Anna can get.
“Fine” he huffed.
“Alright Anna, you’re welcome to stay here” I smiled.
“Thank you so much Julie. I promise you won’t even know I’m there”
“I’m going to hold you to that” Carey said. I just glared at him and he just put his hands up in defence and took a step back.
She just laughed, “love you too Carey”
“See you soon Anna” I replied.
I hung up and Carey’s facial expression said it all.
“Come on, you would have done the same for a friend” I said putting my hands on my hips.
“She better not be staying long” he sighed.
“I’m sure it won’t be a long time. Just until she finds a place of her own”
“Well I guess we don’t have much time for “us” then” he said moving closer to me.
I just smirked as his lips gently pressed to mine. He tried to push it farther but I stopped him, “I can’t” I sighed, “You know I have to get to work”.
“Call in sick” he mumbled placing kisses on my neck. It took all my willpower but I put my hands on his chest and pushed him back, “I can’t” I pouted. He replied back with a pout.
“I’m sorry”
He placed a soft passionate kiss on my lips and he literally took my breath from me. How could I say no?
“I promise” he then mumbled into my neck, “that you’ll still be there on time” he continued placing kisses down my neck.
I drew in a sharp breath as I felt his soft lips on my neck. I couldn’t hold back, he didn’t even know what he did to me. I just pulled his face up to mine and kissed him, “you caved” he mumbled against my lips with a smile.
“Only for you” I whispered into his ear, gently placing kisses down along his jaw line.
He picked me up and carried me to the bedroom, not daring take his lips from mine. He set me down on my feet and shut the bedroom door behind him. Let’s just say, today, I called in sick.
Song: From Friends to Lovers, Michou
*Julie's POV*
I was scrambling to get ready for work while Carey watched me run back and forth between rooms. I just heard him laugh, I was like a chicken with my head cut off.
“You need to relax” he laughed.
“I’m going to be late”
“You have two hours Jules”
“Yes, but traffic and--” the sound of my phone ringing cut me off. Anna.
Anna was my best friend, and when I heard what had happened between her and Ryan, I was heartbroken. They always seemed happy, they were great together. I just don’t know where all of it could have went wrong.
“So what happened?” I asked turning it to speaker phone so Carey could hear too.
“A lot” she sighed, “I left”
“So you have nowhere to stay?”
“Nowhere. Can I stay with you guys maybe?”
I just looked at Carey who kept shaking his head “no”. I didn’t have the heart to say it. He liked Anna, but I don’t think he liked the idea of someone else staying in our house, plus, he knows how Anna can get.
“Fine” he huffed.
“Alright Anna, you’re welcome to stay here” I smiled.
“Thank you so much Julie. I promise you won’t even know I’m there”
“I’m going to hold you to that” Carey said. I just glared at him and he just put his hands up in defence and took a step back.
She just laughed, “love you too Carey”
“See you soon Anna” I replied.
I hung up and Carey’s facial expression said it all.
“Come on, you would have done the same for a friend” I said putting my hands on my hips.
“She better not be staying long” he sighed.
“I’m sure it won’t be a long time. Just until she finds a place of her own”
“Well I guess we don’t have much time for “us” then” he said moving closer to me.
I just smirked as his lips gently pressed to mine. He tried to push it farther but I stopped him, “I can’t” I sighed, “You know I have to get to work”.
“Call in sick” he mumbled placing kisses on my neck. It took all my willpower but I put my hands on his chest and pushed him back, “I can’t” I pouted. He replied back with a pout.
“I’m sorry”
He placed a soft passionate kiss on my lips and he literally took my breath from me. How could I say no?
“I promise” he then mumbled into my neck, “that you’ll still be there on time” he continued placing kisses down my neck.
I drew in a sharp breath as I felt his soft lips on my neck. I couldn’t hold back, he didn’t even know what he did to me. I just pulled his face up to mine and kissed him, “you caved” he mumbled against my lips with a smile.
“Only for you” I whispered into his ear, gently placing kisses down along his jaw line.
He picked me up and carried me to the bedroom, not daring take his lips from mine. He set me down on my feet and shut the bedroom door behind him. Let’s just say, today, I called in sick.
Monday, February 15, 2010
just so you know.
Just so you readers are'nt confused. This is a collab story, with one of my best friends autumn :) we are each doing chapters back and forth and the first chapter you see is hers. so, i hope you guys enjoy :)
oh btw, go read her ryan miller story...it owns! :)
http://miller30girl30.blogspot.com/
it has many characters, and she's amazing :)
oh btw, go read her ryan miller story...it owns! :)
http://miller30girl30.blogspot.com/
it has many characters, and she's amazing :)
one: i’ve got my words; I hope they hurt you. i hope they scar you.
*just so you know, i posted this, but autumn wrote it. i just put it up to get the blog started. i don't want it to look like i wrote this :)*
song: fighting for nothing by meg and dia
To be put simply, my life was over.
At least, that was how it felt at the time.
Walking home the the HSBC arena in the freezing cold February air was not something I enjoyed nor expected, but I figured he was mad. He looked mad, at least- and why shouldn’t he be? If I caught him smooching someone else I’d have castrated him.
If only that were the case.
The thing was, I wasn’t cheating on Ryan and I wasn’t caught cheating on him. I was waiting around for him after the game and his teammate, Drew Stafford, who had just gone through a nasty divorce, stopped by and starting talking to me. We chatted for a bit, then he started flirting with me. I tried to steer clear, but Drew came onto me in a split second and starting kissing me. With my open eyes I saw clear over Drew’s shoulder; Ryan stood there with his mouth open for a second before storming off.
“Stay the fuck away from me,” I sneered after I slapped Drew and ran after Ryan.
He’d have nothing to do with me. I tried to push through the crowd to get to him, but to no avail. Ryan was gone, and so was my ride- he drove home without me. The nerve of that man.
So with frostbitten hands and humiliation on my lips, I pounded my fist on the front door of the home we’d shared for just over a year. After three times of doing this, he finally answered the door. And he looked pissed.
“Oh, you didn’t go home with Staffy?” he asked non-chalantly.
“For the love of god, Ryan, please let me explain.”
Ryan stepped back, “Please do. I’m interested to find out how long you’ve been fucking my teammate.”
I slammed the door behind me, “You honestly think I’d go that low? That I’d even bother with your teammates, let alone cheat on you?”
Ryan shrugged, “I wouldn’t be surprised. We haven’t had the best love life as of late.”
I snorted, “Try as of ever.”
Ryan huffed over to the kitchen and opened the wine cabinet. I followed him swiftly.
“Don’t drink this late, you’ll get a headache.”
“Big deal, I’ve already got four.”
He always knew where to hit me the hardest.
“I told Drew to fuck off after he kissed me,” I said slowly, “And I slapped him.”
Ryan raised his eyebrows as he opened the bottle, “Wow, good show.”
“I’m not having an affair with Drew Stafford,” I stated, “Ryan, I am not.”
Ryan sighed, “Like I said, I wouldn’t be surprised.”
I crossed my arms, “Do you care?”
He said nothing. I took that as a no.
“You’re not exactly romantic anymore,” I mumbled, “If at all.”
Ryan leaned on the counter, “You’re like romancing a pile of ice, anyway.”
I scoffed, “You never would have said that if we hadn’t stopped trying.”
I could tell I hit a nerve, “You’re still pissed that we can’t conceive.”
“Yes Ryan, as a matter of fact, I’m still pissed,” I replied, “I wonder every day that if I had gotten pregnant, that maybe you would have worked up the nerve to finally ask me to marry you. That’s what most people do.”
“So that’s what you want, a marriage? You’re mad because I won’t marry you?”
“I’m mad because you’re afraid of commitment.”
“Really? So that’s why I signed on for five years with the Sabres, then? That’s a commitment.”
“Here we go again with your stupid ass career!” I threw my arms in the air, “It gets in the way of fucking everything. You start caring more about goaltending then bothering with me at all.”
“You just can’t respect that I’m doing well and your so-called graphic business is failing.”
“I’ll tell you what I can’t respect- your decision to cut off love entirely. No sex, no kissing, no affection. Zero. All in the name of the Stanley fucking Cup, that you STILL haven’t won!”
“We made the playoffs, remember? Unless you were too busy looking at Stafford.”
“Oh my god, Ryan...”
“And don’t even mention to me the last time had sex,” Ryan said angrily, “Because I can’t remember the last time we had any!”
I rolled my eyes, “Oh, I know why you can’t remember, Ryan: because you’re all worked up about your ‘career,’ and, ‘oh we can’t do it tonight, it’ll throw off my game!’”
“Sure, make it all my fault.”
“Frankly, it was your fault. You’re the one who told me that I was getting too ‘voluptuous’ for my sexy underwear.”
“Ugh, you’re still going on about that? For the last time, I didn’t call you fat.”
“Well you might as well have.”
We were silent for a moment, still fuming. He glared and me, turning away and looking out the window into the dark suburban street.
“It’s you or me, Anna,” he said quietly, “One of us is going to have to go. I can’t take this anymore.”
I swallowed my tears and pumped out my pride, “Fine then. I’ll leave. You keep your big, ugly million-dollar house. I never liked it anyway.” Before I left the room, I called out to him, “And just so you know, if I were to ever cheat on you, it wouldn’t be with Drew Stafford. I’d pick someone who at least gave a shit about me.”
Within the hour I had my suitcase packed and everything ready to go. I had no idea where I was going or how I’d get there, but one thing was for sure: I had to get out of here. Whatever love was once there was gone.
Taking a victory stance, I stood at the door for the last time and shouted, “Fuck you, Ryan Miller. You’ll never win a Stanley Cup as long as you live.”
No response. Exactly what I needed to hear.
song: fighting for nothing by meg and dia
To be put simply, my life was over.
At least, that was how it felt at the time.
Walking home the the HSBC arena in the freezing cold February air was not something I enjoyed nor expected, but I figured he was mad. He looked mad, at least- and why shouldn’t he be? If I caught him smooching someone else I’d have castrated him.
If only that were the case.
The thing was, I wasn’t cheating on Ryan and I wasn’t caught cheating on him. I was waiting around for him after the game and his teammate, Drew Stafford, who had just gone through a nasty divorce, stopped by and starting talking to me. We chatted for a bit, then he started flirting with me. I tried to steer clear, but Drew came onto me in a split second and starting kissing me. With my open eyes I saw clear over Drew’s shoulder; Ryan stood there with his mouth open for a second before storming off.
“Stay the fuck away from me,” I sneered after I slapped Drew and ran after Ryan.
He’d have nothing to do with me. I tried to push through the crowd to get to him, but to no avail. Ryan was gone, and so was my ride- he drove home without me. The nerve of that man.
So with frostbitten hands and humiliation on my lips, I pounded my fist on the front door of the home we’d shared for just over a year. After three times of doing this, he finally answered the door. And he looked pissed.
“Oh, you didn’t go home with Staffy?” he asked non-chalantly.
“For the love of god, Ryan, please let me explain.”
Ryan stepped back, “Please do. I’m interested to find out how long you’ve been fucking my teammate.”
I slammed the door behind me, “You honestly think I’d go that low? That I’d even bother with your teammates, let alone cheat on you?”
Ryan shrugged, “I wouldn’t be surprised. We haven’t had the best love life as of late.”
I snorted, “Try as of ever.”
Ryan huffed over to the kitchen and opened the wine cabinet. I followed him swiftly.
“Don’t drink this late, you’ll get a headache.”
“Big deal, I’ve already got four.”
He always knew where to hit me the hardest.
“I told Drew to fuck off after he kissed me,” I said slowly, “And I slapped him.”
Ryan raised his eyebrows as he opened the bottle, “Wow, good show.”
“I’m not having an affair with Drew Stafford,” I stated, “Ryan, I am not.”
Ryan sighed, “Like I said, I wouldn’t be surprised.”
I crossed my arms, “Do you care?”
He said nothing. I took that as a no.
“You’re not exactly romantic anymore,” I mumbled, “If at all.”
Ryan leaned on the counter, “You’re like romancing a pile of ice, anyway.”
I scoffed, “You never would have said that if we hadn’t stopped trying.”
I could tell I hit a nerve, “You’re still pissed that we can’t conceive.”
“Yes Ryan, as a matter of fact, I’m still pissed,” I replied, “I wonder every day that if I had gotten pregnant, that maybe you would have worked up the nerve to finally ask me to marry you. That’s what most people do.”
“So that’s what you want, a marriage? You’re mad because I won’t marry you?”
“I’m mad because you’re afraid of commitment.”
“Really? So that’s why I signed on for five years with the Sabres, then? That’s a commitment.”
“Here we go again with your stupid ass career!” I threw my arms in the air, “It gets in the way of fucking everything. You start caring more about goaltending then bothering with me at all.”
“You just can’t respect that I’m doing well and your so-called graphic business is failing.”
“I’ll tell you what I can’t respect- your decision to cut off love entirely. No sex, no kissing, no affection. Zero. All in the name of the Stanley fucking Cup, that you STILL haven’t won!”
“We made the playoffs, remember? Unless you were too busy looking at Stafford.”
“Oh my god, Ryan...”
“And don’t even mention to me the last time had sex,” Ryan said angrily, “Because I can’t remember the last time we had any!”
I rolled my eyes, “Oh, I know why you can’t remember, Ryan: because you’re all worked up about your ‘career,’ and, ‘oh we can’t do it tonight, it’ll throw off my game!’”
“Sure, make it all my fault.”
“Frankly, it was your fault. You’re the one who told me that I was getting too ‘voluptuous’ for my sexy underwear.”
“Ugh, you’re still going on about that? For the last time, I didn’t call you fat.”
“Well you might as well have.”
We were silent for a moment, still fuming. He glared and me, turning away and looking out the window into the dark suburban street.
“It’s you or me, Anna,” he said quietly, “One of us is going to have to go. I can’t take this anymore.”
I swallowed my tears and pumped out my pride, “Fine then. I’ll leave. You keep your big, ugly million-dollar house. I never liked it anyway.” Before I left the room, I called out to him, “And just so you know, if I were to ever cheat on you, it wouldn’t be with Drew Stafford. I’d pick someone who at least gave a shit about me.”
Within the hour I had my suitcase packed and everything ready to go. I had no idea where I was going or how I’d get there, but one thing was for sure: I had to get out of here. Whatever love was once there was gone.
Taking a victory stance, I stood at the door for the last time and shouted, “Fuck you, Ryan Miller. You’ll never win a Stanley Cup as long as you live.”
No response. Exactly what I needed to hear.
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