seventeen: free; we've been fighting with the clock.

Anna’s POV

song: brake by melissa mclelland

Isn’t it funny how life just seems to fall into place at exactly the right time? After all we’ve been through, the four of us, we’re finally back to where we belong. The pieces of the puzzle are right where they need to be.

Guess I should catch up. Shortly after the awards show, Ryan and I eloped- yes, for real- to Las Vegas and got married. Carey and Jules were pretty pissed that they didn’t get to go with us, but it was one of those things that we just had to do alone. It was totally worth it, too.

Naturally, things worked out for them too. Carey proposed to Jules on her birthday, and everything was great between them. Unlike us, they planned a beautiful backyard wedding. He wrote out his own vows and made everyone cry- Ryan included. Of course, he won’t ever admit to that. My only complaint is that it was too bad my bridesmaid’s dress was from a maternity store.

Speaking of that, I am proud to say Ryan was with me every step of the way through the pregnancy, and one day in the middle of December, I gave birth to the twins- a girl and a boy. The 36 hours of labour paid off, as both twins came out perfectly healthy. We named them Hanna Elise Miller and Jack Isaac Miller. Both looked exactly like Ryan. Go figure.

Julie is pregnant now, too. Carey’s heading into his first playoff run, and we’re stoked for him. So far we’ve been to every game, granted that we can tow the kids with us. We almost always make it to the Jumbotron. I’ve been helping Jules with the baby’s nursery. It’s going to be a little girl, called Ava Lynn. I’m excited for them.

As I lie here thinking, I listen to the soft breathing of Ryan next to me. In an hour, Jack will wake up and cry, followed by Hanna. In unison, we’ll get up and take to them, feeding and loving them. Our children. Our lives.

Tomorrow is Julie’s baby shower. We’re having it at our house in Buffalo. She doesn’t know that we got Ava a Buffalo Sabres jersey with the name PRICE on it. Eventually we’ll put the number of her due date on it. Carey is going to kill us.

I chuckled. Gotta love it.

Ryan reaches out and touched my arm. I turn over and look at him. He leans in, kissing me softly and whispering, “Someday, I’ll put our kids in the Cup.”

I laugh, “I’d love to see that.”

He gently kisses my belly, “All three of them.”


the end.

sixteen: you keep on bringing out the best in me

Song: When You Got a Good Thing, Lady Antebellum


*Julie’s POV*

So it was the end of the season and it was the NHL awards. To be honest, the ceremony was boring, especially since Carey didn’t win anything, but I’m not worried, he will get his time.

The after party was what I was waiting for. I needed a drink. I was happy, no doubt, but I still wasn’t completely over losing the baby, I know there wasn’t much I could do, but it still got to me. Price nudged me from my thoughts as the ceremony finally finished.

“You ok?”

“I’m fine” I gently smiled.

He led me to the after party where I was immediately at the bar with a drink. I needed this desperately. Carey was chatting with a few of his fellow players when I saw Ryan and Anna emerge from the crowd.

“Anna!” I said excitedly setting my drink down to wrap my arms around her.

“Hey!” she replied pulling back, “we haven’t seen you guys in forever!”

Carey joined in and gave Anna a quick hug and nodded in Ryan’s direction.

“Well…” she wouldn’t finish her sentence. She looked over to Ryan with a huge smile on her face.

“We’re engaged” Ryan replied, with an even bigger smile.

I just squealed and gave Anna and Ryan both a hug, “That’s amazing!”

“You think so?” she laughed, “Ryan proposed the day after I got out of the hospital, I just had to say yes”

“Congrats” Carey directed towards both of them.

“Thanks man, I’m really happy” Ryan replied, not able to wipe the smile off of his face.

“Some champagne? To celebrate?” I asked.

“Oh, for sure” Ryan replied as Julie turned towards the bar.

“I’m not drinking tonight” Anna replied. Both Carey and I looked at her, and then at each other.

“Since when?” Carey asked in an almost mysterious tone.

“Well…I have been sober for a bit now…so…yah…” she seemed like she was hiding something.

“Are you hiding something Anna?” I asked raising an eyebrow curiously.

“What?” she replied nervously.

“I know you Anna…you’re hiding something”

She just sighed, “Ok, I was going to wait until after to tell you but--”

“No way, are you…?” Ryan interrupted.

She just smiled, “Yes, I’m pregnant, with twins”

“Anna, that’s amazing!” he replied spinning her in a hug.

“Anna, I’m so happy for you” I replied, giving her a hug. Even though my heart was breaking. I was supposed to have a baby, I know Anna has been wanting this, but I did too when the whole miscarriage happened.

Anna and Ryan were chatting excitedly as I stared in front of me, letting the thoughts run through my head. I finally felt a warm hand on my arm that snapped me back to reality, Carey.

“Hi” I smiled.

“You sure you’re ok?” he asked.

“This whole pregnancy thing just got to me a little”

He set his drink down and immediately wrapped me in a hug, “This will happen for us soon, I promise, ok?” he pulled back and looked down at me, “what happened was unfortunate, but were not done” he smirked.

I just smiled sheepishly and wrapped my arms around his waist. It didn’t take much to make me feel better when it came to him. He always knew what to say.

I loved him with my whole heart. Every part of him. There were days he drove me crazy, he had flaws like any human being. But it’s his smile, his eyes, the way he looks at me when I enter a room, even if I’m a total and complete mess, either physically or emotionally. He’s my shoulder, and even when he’s gone, I can feel him with me, and hearing his voice makes it even more real. I know I will marry this man someday. When that day will be is a mystery to me.

fifteen: sometimes, it's hard to believe you remember me

song: high by james blunt

Anna’s POV

I was so happy to be going home from the hospital, and even happier to be going with Ryan. Well, we were just going to the hotel, but don’t rain on my parade, here.

His words played over and over in my head. Most people don’t know this, but I knew that he had visited me over and over. I could hear him, I just couldn’t respond. Being in a coma is by far the weirdest feeling ever. But now, after hearing the letter he wrote, things felt- different. Uncertain, but in a good way.

Ryan came to pick me up just before the sun went down. Sitting next to him in the car, things felt strange. I knew he hadn’t made the playoffs, and I wanted so badly to say something, but I didn’t know what. Instead I just stared at him.

“This is so weird, isn’t it?”

I blinked, “Huh?”

“Being here with you, after so long,” Ryan said as we turned a corner, “I missed you.”

I wanted to avoid this conversation, so the second I found an excuse, I used it, “Hey, can we stop? I wanna get some hair dye.”

Ryan frowned as he pulled into the parking lot, “You want to dye it again?”

I glanced at him, “I want to dye it back to the original colour. Oh, by the way-” I rolled down the window, took out my lip rings and threw them out, “-I’m over these.”

He laughed a bit, “Atta girl.”

“I’ll be right back.”

Being in the drugstore gave me time to think. Ryan seemed like he was back to normal, but how was I supposed to know it wasn’t a complete cover-up? That maybe, if I went back to Buffalo with him, he’d change back into the person he was before. I didn’t know what to think.

We drove back to the hotel in silence. I clutched my drugstore bag tightly, not able to stand the strange atmosphere. But what else did I expect?

Once in the hotel room, I headed to the bathroom, ignoring the fact that Ryan was in a suite. Almost as though he thought this was some kind of special celebration. The hell was thinking?

I opened the box and read the directions, proceeding to take one of the complimentary bathrobes, deciding to take off my clothing because I would probably have to shower afterwards. Like I was going to ruin my clothes fixing my hair. Halfway through, I realized I needed help with it.

“Ryan?”

He was sitting on the bed, almost as though he was waiting for me to call him.

“You need help?”

“Yeah, if you don’t mind?”

“No problem.”

I shivered at his touch as he began to help spread the colour into my hair. Feeling him touch me again was strange, but good. Bittersweet, I guess you could say.

After I waited the right amount of time, I stepped into the shower and washed my hair, using the shampoos the hotel offered. Ryan waited politely in the other room. I stood in the shower for a good ten minutes, letting the cool water run on my face.

I pulled on the complimentary hotel robe again and got ready to sift through my duffel bag for some clothes when Ryan met me at the door.

“Anna...I have to ask you something.”

“Um, ok.”

His eyes had a sort of fear in them, and his mouth quivered. I could see he was nervous. What kind of question was he about to ask me?

I watched as he fumbled in his sweater pocket, taking out a small box. He slowly knelt to one knee and looked up at me, “Anneliese Marie Evans, will you marry me?”

My mouth dropped open and I stared at the ring in his hands as he opened the box. It was the most beautiful ring I had ever seen. Years ago, I would’ve ecstatically said yes and threw my arms around him. Things were different now.

“Ryan....I....”

His brown eyes were killing me. I reached out and touched his face; his eyes closing at the caress. I missed touching him. I missed being with him. Gently, I closed the ring box, pulling him to stand and whispered in his ear, “I will say yes, if you do one thing for me...”

There was only one way to see if this was for real or not.

I slowly undid my robe and let it fall to the floor, standing naked in front of Ryan. He stared at me, almost hungrily. Nonchalantly, he put the ring box on the sink.

Walking until I stood eye to eye from him, I looked at him, “This is me, Ryan. This is all of me. No weird colours, no bad substances...just, me.” I pointed to my arm. “The scars from before we met are here.” I touched my stomach. “The place they took the alcohol from...and saved me...” I pushed back my hair. “If you can take me, with all my imperfections...then I will know that what you are asking me, is true. I love you, Ryan, and I want you to show me that you love me too.”

No sooner had I finished that Ryan was pressing his lips to mine softly, engulfing me into a deep kiss. Being careful not to break it, he took me in his arms and carried me to the bed. Treating me like a china doll, he laid me down on the bed.

“Ryan, my hair’s all wet.”

“Do you think I care?”

I pulled him down to kiss me again. I hadn’t been kissed like this in forever, not by him. Ryan moaned into my mouth as I reached below his belt. Breaking the kiss, I unzipped his sweater and threw it on the floor.

What happened then and there was something I never expected in a million years.

Ryan turned out the light and took things slowly. He made every inch of my body quiver. I took off his shirt and let him kiss me as his hands wandered, teasing me. I arched my back and moaned. Ryan liked that. I loved when he kept doing it.

Moments later he was down to one article of clothing, but he wasn’t going to get to business just yet. No, as far as he was concerned, I was the one who would get all the pleasing tonight- something I hadn’t experienced in forever. He kissed me all over and I felt shivers run through my body.

Ryan started nibbling on my neck and I groaned, “Ryan....If you give me a hickey, I’ll kill you...”

He grinned at me mischievously, “Guess I’ll have to do it somewhere else...where only we can see it...”

Before I could argue, Ryan moved down to my chest and started suckling. I was ready to scream, grasping the back of his head, running my hands through his dark hair. This was almost too much to take. He stopped and hovered above me, licking his lips, knowing I had enjoyed every minute.

I tugged at his boxers yearningly. He let me take them off him and I stared at his erect length. I hadn’t seen Ryan this turned on in ages. Shedding him of those, I let him climb on top of me.

We watched each other as he slipped inside. Gently, he moved himself in and out, making sure he wasn’t hurting me. I gripped the sides of the bed, the sheets in bunches in my clenched fists. No, he most definitely was not hurting me.

Flipping us over, I moved back and forth, letting Ryan enjoy himself beneath me. I could see he desperately wanted to climax, but was waiting for me. I had been afraid to ask him to move faster, because in the times before it had just been painful. Now I knew that I didn’t have to worry about pain.

I started to move a little quicker, the pressure surprising us both. But it wasn’t a bad feeling, it actually started to make things feel better. He followed my lead, and before long, things started to feel even more amazing. For the first time in the years we had tried to have a baby, I could feel pleasure building up.

When we finally reached the peak, I dug my nails into his shoulders, screaming his name. Ryan bit my shoulder, gently of course, but by the noises he was making I could tell he wanted to practically gnaw on me. We relished in the moment, keeping it going for as long as we could.

Lying next to him, both of us completely naked, I waited for our heartbeats to go back to normal before I whispered, “Yes, Ryan, I will marry you.”

He turned his head, “Really?”

“Yes, really,” I replied, kissing him hard, “Let’s do it again.”

Ryan smiled as I rolled on top of him, “You know, we’ll be exhausted by morning.”

“I don’t care,” I replied, moving down to his hips, “Now it’s my turn to please you.”

Perhaps we made love until the wee hours of the morning, to be honest I wasn’t really sure. All I knew was that the time I spent with him that night told me what I needed to know: the Ryan I had fallen in love with was back, and I was ready to become his wife.

I was going to marry Ryan Miller.

fourteen: you make it hard to smile because you make it hard to breathe

Song: Why, Secondhand Serenade

*Carey's POV*

Things have been pretty crazy. Julie has been up and down with the baby, than with Anna, it devastated me. I also knew that she was strong and she would make it through, and I was going to be there to help her along the way.

I was meeting Ryan for coffee, he had called last night, but I was half asleep when he called so we decided to meet this morning after practice.

“Hey, thanks for meeting me. Sorry if I freaked you out, I know I called really late last night” Ryan said as I stood up to greet him.

“Not a problem, what's up?” I replied.

“I, um....I think I'm ready”

“You might have to be a bit more specific bud, ready for what?” I asked raising an eyebrow.

“I think I want to marry Anna”

I was in shock for a moment as I let the words sink in. I opened my mouth, but I hesitated before saying all I could say, “oh....wow”

“It came to me last night”

“You've barely been back together that long, are you sure?”

“I have made too many mistakes in the past few years”

“Well, I’m not one to judge…”
“I ruined everything when I said I wanted a baby, and Anna didn't want kids.
But she wanted to try because she knew it would make me happy. I was stupid and cared about myself. I didn't care that Anna wasn't enjoying every moment, and I knew I hurt her both physically and mentally…”

I couldn’t respond. I have never seen Ryan this honest before. It was new for me. I think I waited to long to let it sink in.

“Carey, please say something. You're looking at me like I'm crazy”

“I personally don't know what went on between you and Anna, and honestly it's really not my business, but right now you seem really sincere and I can see you do love her, if it's what you want to do, than do it, nobody's stopping you”

“You know we didn’t make the playoffs this year right?”

I just nodded.

“It was my fault”

“How so?”

“The trips back and forth from Buffalo to Montreal took a real toll on me. I couldn't concentrate, knowing she was there and I couldn't see her. Knowing that if something happened, I couldn't be there in a split second”

“It’s the job Ryan, she knew that when she fell in love with you, Julie knew that, it’s life”

“I just can’t help but feel I could have done more…” he just put his head in his hands and sighed.

“Ryan, shit happens, you have to roll with it. You know if anything were to happen Julie and I are here, and you get here when you get here, she would understand. She loves you, I can see it everyday, and I see the same thing in you, I see it in Julie, and I wonder every single day how she could ever love me, and I feel like the most honoured guy in the world to even look at her the way I do every day, to think about her the way I do every day, and miss her the way I do when I’m gone. Anna respects you, she sees your future together, she cares enough about you to yell at you, disagree with you, tell you when you’re flat out wrong, even when you know it but won’t admit it. She’s the love of your life, she is the one you should be with right now, not me”

He just smiled stood up proudly, “I’m going to do it. I love her, why shouldn’t I marry her?”

“Go get her”

He left the café and I sat there with my thoughts. Thoughts running through my head about Julie. Why am I not married to her yet? Why have I never even considered it?

She keeps me stabilized. She loves me like nobody else can, she looks at me like there is no one else alive. I love how she says my name. I love the sound of her laugh, and the glow when she smiles. And her eyes, she has the most beautiful eyes that you could get lost in.

I love how one of her cheesy jokes could cheer me up in a second, even when I’m having the worst day of my life. I can tell her anything and she listens, she understands me. She respects me and she trusts me, and it still baffles me, after everything that I have done not to deserve her, she still loves me.

I made a beeline for the door. Right now, I just wanted to see her, I had to see her.

I opened the door and stood there for a minute. She was in a pair of old sweats and a hoodie, her hair pulled up into a ponytail and her ipod stuck in her ears. All I could do was smile. She finally realized I was there and pulled on earphone out.

“Hey baby” she smiled.

All I could do was shake my head and wonder why the hell she was standing in front of me. When she could have absolutely anybody in the world.

“What?” she said.

“Nothing” I said walking towards her and wrapping my arms around her waist, “I just love you, that’s all”

thirteen: how stupid could I be?

song: stupid by sarah mclachlan

Anna's POV

Hugging Julie, I will admit a felt a bit better about what had happened.

Of course, all good things come to an end. This time, I owed it all to Carey Price. I knew he cared about Jules, but what came next I wasn’t expecting.

“ANNA.”

I heard my name as I walked down the hall from her room. I turned around to see Carey standing there, arms crossed. And he was angry.

“Look, I know you’re our friend and all, but I think this incident has proven to be the last,” he said quickly, “I don’t want to say too much about it, but I think it’s time you found a place of your own.”

I frowned, “Carey, you kicking me out?”

“Basically, yeah. You’re a hazard to Julie, to me, and to yourself. I’ve tried to reconcile you and Ryan, and no avail. Take your troubles elsewhere.”

I shook my head, “You’ve got to be kidding me.”

“I’m not kidding. The lease is up.”

I sighed, “Carey, I don’t have anywhere else to go.”

“That’s not my problem anymore.”

“You know,” I said angrily, “It’s not all my fault she miscarried. You weren’t around that much.”

I saw his eyes flare, “I was away for my JOB, Anna. Not that you would know what that is.”

“What’s that supposed to mean, Price?”

“You know what it means. You let Ryan break your heart and you won’t admit you still love him, so you bring all your problems and heap them on us! You could be elsewhere, with a steady career, perhaps with someone new. But no. You had to become a raging alcoholic, and poor Julie, who has to take care of you-”

“No one has to take care of me, I-”

“Oh, just give it up already!” Carey threw his arms in the air, “You came at the worst possible time! I could still be a father right now if you hadn’t showed up with your baggage, causing all the damage you have! I am sick of helping clean up your mess and trying to fix you! If you’re not gone by the time I take Julie home tonight, I swear, I’ll call the fucking police and have you arrested. At least then you’ll have a place to stay.”

I swallowed, “If that’s what you want...so be it, then.”

Tears were flowing down my cheeks as I turned my back on him, walking down the hallway. I officially would be homeless, I thought miserably. I had fucked everything up.

Montreal was the loneliest city in the world. I missed Buffalo like a bad addiction. I wanted Ryan so badly I was willing to do anything to get him back. But I knew long ago that it was over, that he didn’t love me, and that he never would love me again. Especially now, with me being a baby killer and all.

It would be an hour before the bars would open, and I had some cash, so I decided to buy from the green van again. Not that Carey Price gave a damn if I got high. As long as I was away from him and Julia, he was happy as clam. So, with my drugs in hand, I went to a restaurant, smoked up in the bathroom and stumbled out, high as a kite.

Everything was a blur. Vodka, wine, rum, beer, scotch, you name it. I tried and downed everything. I partied with Habs fans, got drunk with some lost Toronto people, even made out with a few foreigners. I could feel myself spinning out of control as the night went on.

My phone rang a few times, and I chucked it into the toilet in the ladies’ room. All I wanted was to save the moment, down everything I could, chug it all down. Make all my problems disappear. The more I drank, the more it left me- Carey and Julie’s baby, Ryan, my love for Ryan, the shame I felt, everything. I watched my phone vibrate and bubble as I took more and more drugs, getting the best high of my life. The world was mine.

I think I was in the middle of doing upside-down tequila shots when I started throwing up.

From there, I don’t remember a thing.

-

Ryan’s POV

I had gotten over playing the Montreal Canadians. I had to convince myself that it was all ancient history, that I had to move on for the sake of my team and career. That night, playing at the Bell Centre, nothing fazed me. It went to a shootout and I saved every shot. We won.

Exiting after Derek Roy, one of the team medics came running over to me, holding out what appeared to be my cell phone, “Ryan, it’s for you. It’s urgent.”

Taking off my mask, I answered, “Hello?”

I heard Julie on the other end, sobbing uncontrollably, “R-Ryan!”

Seeing the press with their cameras, I rushed to the dressing room, “What’s wrong?”

“It’s Anna,” Julie pressed, “She’s...I don’t know...I’m at the hospital on 8th.”

“What? Why?”

“It’s bad, Ryan,” Jules continued, her voice shaky, “Anna has alcohol poisoning, and there’s these....substances, in her bloodstream. They don’t know if she’ll make it....Please, we need you.”

“I’ll be there.” I clicked the my cell phone shut, took the fastest shower of my life, changed and send Lindy a text:

Emergency. Be back at the hotel later.

I could’ve ran all the way to the hospital with the amount of adrenaline in my blood, but the taxi knew the directions better than I did. I practically bounded to the emergency room where I saw Carey and Julia. Carey was sitting, but Julie was pacing. She embraced me, “Oh thank God...thank God...”

“What’s going on? Where’s Anna?” I asked urgently.

Carey stood up, “They’re still pumping her stomach. Hopefully, she’ll regain consciousness soon.”

“I was in there with her, but they made me leave,” Julie sobbed. I kept an arm around her as she kept hugging me.

Carey nodded, “All we can do is wait.”

I sighed, “How in the world did this happen?”

Carey gave me a glare, which I expected, “She’s in love with you, and she just got out of control without you.” I opened my mouth to speak, but he raised his hand. “Don’t argue with me on that one. You kept her sane. Literally.”

Julie continued to cry, and I passed her to Carey, who held her. I hated seeing Julie cry.

“This is such a mess...” I said slowly, “I should’ve listened to you months ago, Price.”

“No shit,” Carey said, “It is kind of my fault, too...I yelled at her before she left the hospital this afternoon...”

“Wait, hospital?” I frowned.

Julie nodded, “I collapsed at home. The doctor says it was stress-related. Carey and I were going to have a baby, but...I miscarried.”

My blood ran cold. I couldn’t imagine how they were feeling, what with losing a child in addition to having to deal with Anna. I felt stupider than ever for not listening to Carey before.

We sat in the waiting room for literally hours. Julie eventually fell asleep on Carey, who refused to let her go. I read every magazine at least three times. Finally, a doctor showed up.

“Miss McNeil,” he began, “Your friend is recovering.”

Julia sighed, “Oh my gosh....thank you.”

She glanced at me before he got the chance to continue, “This is her boyfriend, Ryan. Is there any chance we could go see her?”

The doctor wet his lips, “What I was about to say, was that Miss Evans was put in a coma. It was the only way we could allow her to heal from her internal injuries.”

I felt sick. Julie’s eyes began to water. Only Carey could speak.

“How...how long will she be...you know...”

“Probably a few months, a year at the most,” the doctor explained, “She will be here, of course, continuously receiving treatment.”

The doctor proceeded to tell us all we needed to know to set up a room for Anna. It was out of the question to transfer her to Buffalo, across the border, and we agreed it was best for her to stay at the hospital. It was around 2 am by the time we left.

“Ryan,” Julie said as she hugged me goodbye, “Thanks for coming.”

“I had to,” I told her simply.

For the first time in a long time, she smiled at me.

-

The slowest months of my life went by. We didn’t make the playoffs because I became so distracted. I went to Montreal every chance I got and visited Anna. I brought her cards and flowers. Sometimes I even talked to her, not knowing whether or not she could hear me.

Carey gave me all of Anna’s things, which I took back to Buffalo with me. Things were uncertain. When she woke up (I was positive on that), I didn’t know where things would go with us. I decided to wait on that.

It was the middle of June when I walked into her room with my apology.

The room was filled with fresh flowers that I had delivered each week. The window was wide open, making Anna’s rainbow hair shine. I would not admit that I didn’t like it, but it WAS Anna, so I really had no choice on the matter. Sitting next to her bed, my usual spot, I unfolded the piece of paper I had stuffed in my back pocket.

“Annie,” I said quietly, “I, um, wrote you a letter. I have some things I want to say, and I don’t know if you can hear me, or if you even care, but I’m going to read it to you.”

I took a deep breath.

“Dear Anna, I miss you. I miss you a lot. I know you think I don’t care about you, and the last time we spoke was like a battle. But I care more than you know, and I’m sorry.”

I paused.

“I’m sorry that I couldn’t be there for you all those nights you were afraid. I’m sorry that I couldn’t father a child that would live until birth. I’m sorry for all the things I could have been for you, and I wish I could change for you.”

The smell of the lilies was lingering in the air.

“You were my first real fan and my cheerleader. I took you home to meet my parents and they loved you. Drew already treats you like a sister. Things could not be more perfect in that way.”

I sighed.

“I am still in love with you, Anna Evans. I want to marry you, have babies with you, and win the Stanley Cup so I can lift it above our heads for the whole world to see. I don’t know why it took me so long to say it, and I’m sorry. I love you, Anna. Always have, always will.”

I folded the piece of paper and put it on the table by her bed, closing my eyes.


“You...suck.”

I jumped back to see Anna’s eyes were open, and she was looking at me.

“Took you long enough,” she said, that trademark smirk of hers back in action.

And I had to admit, that it took everything in my power not to kiss her then and there.

twelve: this could get messy, but you don't seem to mind

Song: Hands Clean, Alanis Morrissette

A couple months had flown by and everything was going a bit smoother. Anna had calmed down and was acting at least civilized. She was drinking a bit though, which wasn’t a good sign.

Carey was leaving for a road trip in the morning. Anna was out, it was late and we were just laying in bed. I had my head on his chest and just listened to his heartbeat. It was like music to my ears.

“Have you thought about names yet?” I asked looking up at him.

He pursed his lips and just looked down at me, “not really”

“Neither have I” I sighed.

“Are you hoping for a boy?” I smirked.

“What father doesn’t want a little boy” he replied.

I just laughed, “well personally, I would love a boy too”

“Really?” he asked.

“Give me a name” I said.

“For a boy?”

I just nodded.

He thought back for a minute then spoke“Ethan”

“Oh, I like that” I smiled.

“What about a girl?” he asked, “you pick one”

I thought for a minute, “Ava Lynn”

“That’s a pretty name” he replied.

“Thanks”

“You’re really excited about this aren’t you?” he asked.

“I am” I nodded, “I’m having a baby, and most of all I’m going to have a family with you”

He just squeezed me tighter and I heard his heart start beating faster. I didn’t say a word, I knew this was nerve wracking for him, it was nerve wracking for me too. But I have him with me, so I know that everything is going to be fine.

--

I said goodbye to Carey that morning and turned to see Anna passed out on the couch. Her drinking was really starting to take a toll, not only on her but even us. I decided to clean up the kitchen a bit when I heard a groan from Anna. I grabbed a glass of water and some aspirin and immediately took it into the living room.

“Thanks” was all she said as she took it from my hands and threw it in her mouth.

“You know, you really need to stop this” I sighed standing up from the couch.

“You’re not my mother”

“We’ve been over this” I replied.

“I can drink if I want to”

“You’re hurting yourself!” I snapped, “and you’re hurting us”

“How?”

“When you come home like that every night, it hurts, listening to you stumble in, you waking up with a hangover, me being the “mother”” I used my finger quotes, “and giving you water and aspirin the moment your feet hit the floor.

She didn’t respond and laid her head back down on the pillow and faced the wall. I just sighed and continued my work in the kitchen. I had had enough, she was on her own with this.

--

A few days flew by and Carey was coming home in the morning. Did I ever need him here, and I’m sure he needed me, let’s just say the road trip wasn’t their best of the season. They lost all three games, 2 of them in OT. I haven’t talked to him much after the last loss, I figured if he wanted to talk, he would call, so I didn’t bother.

Anna hadn’t listened to a word I said, it was getting frustrating, I wasn’t getting sleep at night, which can’t be good for the baby. I need sleep, I can’t lose this baby. I did my morning routine, grabbed a shower just before Anna woke up. It’s sad how this was becoming a routine. I grabbed a glass of water and some aspirin and was by her side as she drank it back.

“You just don’t listen” I mumbled.

“You need to shut up”

“You need to stop drinking before you fucking kill yourself” I snapped.

She was silent.

“Do you know what this could do to you Anna? Do you even understand how much this could hurt you?” I sighed, “I can’t lose you because of something this stupid”

“You won’t lose me”

“You’re a freaking alcoholic, you’re killing yourself with the more drinks you have”

“Can you just let me live my life how I want to?” she replied standing up, “It’s really not that bad, I promise”

“Not how I see it” I snapped.

“You’re so judgemental” she huffed.

“Don’t use that on me” I said pointing a finger at her, “I’m trying to look out for you, since you can’t seem to do it yourself!”

“I can look out for myself”

“Even Ryan would agree that you can’t right now”

“Don’t bring that ass back into this”

“You love him, you know it and I know it, and he fucking knows it because he loves you too whether you want to believe it or not. He kept you sane, he looked out for you constantly, he wanted a family with you, how can you just fall out of love that easily?”

“He doesn’t love me anymore” she said tears brimming in her eyes, “there was someone else there”

“Who wasn’t his girlfriend” I sighed, “Carey talked to him and talked to her, he won’t even look at her like he looks at you, he doesn’t like her in that way at all”

“Are you sure?”

“Carey wouldn’t lie to me”

“What if he was?”

“Don’t even go there Anna, you know as well as I do he’s the most honest person out there, and you know that he wants what’s best for you”

“He wants me out of here” she mumbled.

“You know what!” I exclaimed, “I’m done, you won’t listen to me--I’m done--trying” I clenched my stomach as I felt a sharp pain in my side.

“Julie?”

I couldn’t respond and everything went black.

--

I woke up in an unfamiliar room with someone clenching my hand for dear life. My eyes fluttered open and I saw Price looking down, he was really worried. What did I do?

“Hi” I groaned sitting up in my bed.

“Jules” he said jumping up and wrapping his arms around me.

“What happened?”

“You don’t remember anything?”

“I remember yelling at Anna…”

“You passed out” he said voice breaking, “the baby’s gone”

I put my hand on my stomach and my eyes started to flood with tears. This did not just happen. I didn’t just lose my baby, I couldn’t have, I can’t even carry a baby for two months. This is a punch to the stomach.

“No…”

“I’m sorry sweetie”

“It’s not your fault, do you think I can have some time alone…please?”

“Sure thing” he said standing up and kissing my forehead, “I love you”

“I love you too”

He left the room and I sat there as the thoughts swam through my head. My heart was shattering right now, I still can’t believe this is happening. Stress, no sleep…I knew this couldn’t be good for this baby.

After everything that Price and I talked about, names, that evening, the least stressful evening of my life. We had names. My eyes were starting to well up with tears, and I cried, I cried hard.

I heard a noise outside, some loud voices after about an hour of thinking and getting my head on straight, and finally wiping my eyes. I saw Anna peek her head inside and then she was yanked away.

“Anna!” I yelled. The noise subsided and she peeked her head inside again.

“Hi…”

“Come in” I said quietly.

“Carey doesn’t want me too”

“I said it’s fine, just shut the door”

She shut the door behind her and didn’t move far from it. Her hair was pulled back with and elastic and plenty of bobby pins, the rainbow really stood out. She wasn’t wearing makeup and she was in an old t-shirt and jeans. That was the Anna I knew.

I patted the bed beside me and she walked over and sat on the edge. I just looked up at her and she immediately started bawling. I sat up a bit farther, ignoring the pain in my side and wrapped my arms around her.

“I’m so sorry” she bawled, “I didn’t mean to”

“Sweetie, it happens, it’s not your fault”

“I’m the one who caused you stress, and gave you sleepless nights, it is my fault”

“It wasn’t meant to be Annie ok”

“I know how you feel right now, and you’re being way too nice to me”

“I will choose how nice to be, and I know you know how it feels, but don’t sympathize with me, please, because obviously I wasn’t meant to have a child right now”

“I’m sorry”

“Stop Annie, stop apologizing”

“No, I really am. I’m done going out, and I won’t drink so much and come home hammered every night, I’ll even dye my hair back”

I just laughed, “if you want to. I just want the old Annie back”

“She’s back” she smiled.

“Good, that’s all I want”

RE READ chapter 11

you should re read chapter 11, if you haven't read it yet. the lovely autumn added another element to it that is important to the story. so yes, go read.